—thoughts.

*lost*

sometimes it really seems like i really must be just stupid. i have the tendency to do things that hurt me and don't realize until way later. i say things i don't mean alot and then i beat myself up about it. i hate how when i'm mad i say things i don't wanna say. something was bothering me so i told my friend out of anger when i really didn't want him to know. he said he wouldn't tell. he didn't say a word until tonight so he kept it in for about a month but still...i feel horrible. and it makes me seem really bad when i'm really not. :( Now, what happenned was that my best friend is dating my ex, but she sent pictures to my current boyfriend (although they were still together at the time, it did happen a while ago) when i found out i was pretty mad about it...i felt a little stabbed in the back. in my head i was thinking: she already got my last boyfriend, why is she going for the one i have now? (i mean yeah, its hard not to like him and he's super hot...who wouldn't want him?  but still she should respect whats mine!) i had to go through my head over and over again "she's your friend, you can trust her, it was nothing." i've got it drilled into my head that it was nothing, but from the outside world it probably looks like i'm getting revenge, which is definately not the case. I'm not the type of person who would get back at someone. i try hard not to be. i didn't even mean to do this and i realy didn't do anything. no one is mad at me (yet) but i'm sure its coming...if only i could control what i say when i'm angry...and thats why i try to stop myself from getting mad and cover it up with sadness, but that may be bad too..

i feel really bad about this and i didn't mean any harm

i just want to say i'm sorry

some pictures i took on the ride home from New York

they were also taken in a moving car.

in the first picture you can actually see the glare from the car window

so the rest were taken with the window open

a couple times the camera almost flew out the window....

haha, well enjoy!

some pictures i took...i thought they were nice

i took these while riding in the car with my friend Katie. i thought the sunset was really pretty so i took out my camera and tried to get a picture of it before it was gone...

all the pictures were taken in a moving car so i'm sorry for the blurr

it's nice to not be scared anymore

for a little while, i was afraid

i was afraid of the word "forever"

i was afraid to listen to love songs

i was afraid to tell people things

i was afraid i would never find anybody

i was afraid of getting hurt again if i did

but i have nothing to be afraid of anymore

he's shown me that i don't have to be <3

"glameep"

you know you're happy when you truthfully can not find a single word to describe it. Well me and my boyfriend had to make up the word glameep to describe how happy we are, we were on the phone and he said we should make up a word (of course he said that through the massive giggling) so he said he would make up one part and i would make up another. he said "gla" i just squealed and giggled because i didn't know what to say, (and i thought the way he said "gla" was cute, haha.) Then finally yesterday, there's this inside joke kinda thing where i decided a certain part of me could talk, but when i spoke to it all it said was "meep" and he said that should be the second half of the word and i agreed. so instead of us being happy with eachother, we are glameep! :D

Photo Collection - Quiet Girl

one of my ways of self-expression is through pictures and photography.

here's a collection of photos i call

"quiet girl"

the last two, i actually took months ago, all the others were taken this morning.

as some may know, i'm really quiet. there are some people who've never heard me speak. there's alot of reasons that i don't say much:

i think i might say the wrong thing,

i dont want someone to get the wrong impression,

 i hate my voice,

 my voice may crack,

 no one will hear me anyway

they might not pay attention

i don't like my teeth

and so on...

 alot of the time, i really just don't know what to say or have nothing to say. i'm always thinking or writing something in my head...my brain overloads. if i feel happy, i'll feel alot  happier than i really am. if i get sad, i feel 10x sadder than i should. my brain gets tangled up easily and i wish it didn't. but that's why i'm so shy and quiet,

i think things will be alot better if i kept my mouth shut

EVERYTHING makes sense now!

For a long time, i've been wondering...

why has everything that has happened in my life happened?

after 8 and a half years of contemplating the answer is finally clear to me,

everything that has happened in my life has led up to me meeting this boy.

there is no possible way i would have ever imagined that this was the reason,

something so magnificently spectacular happening to me, me!

So it goes like this...

(i'll start at the beginning and work my way through.)

—Back when i was about 4 and my sister was a baby, my mom packed all of our stuff and told me we were going on vacation to grandma's house. Of course, i believed her. We ended up living with my grandma until i was 8, then i found out something...

—Summer of 2nd grade, around July, i was 8 and my sister was 4. My mom says "we're moving to a new house" i asked my mother, "well, when are we going back to Fort Campbelle from vacation?" she told me we weren't on vacation. i asked "well, when is Papi getting here?" she said he wasn't going to live with us. I was confused. She told me she had divorced my dad. I was in shock. My mom lied to me.

—After getting used to the house, i had made a strong friendship with my neighbor Alix (we are still best friends to this day.) In 5th grade my school closed. I ended up going to another Christian school called Eden Grove Academy, it was completely and horribly miserable. thier curriculum was a grade and a half over the curriculum of my previous school so i failed...again. By the time 7th grade came around, my mom was convinced i could go to the public school and Alix & Devin were my only friends, i had class with Devin but he sat across the room and Alix was in a totally different class.

—The first friend i made in a public school was Marquis. I ended up sitting across from him at lunch just looking for an open seat, since i really didn't know anybody. He got my attention by saying he wanted to put his beef in a girl's taco...i thought he was hilarious! he's like a big brother to me.

—One day around Halloween i went to a dance at school with my friends Alix and Kayla, that day my classmate and friend Sydney introduced me to Hannah. By spring, we were running track together and we have so much in common we call ourselves twins, even now, that was almost 4 years ago...i cant believe it.

—8th grade, i officially met Nick. My friend Kayla had a huge crush on him the year before and i thought he was cute, he was Marquis' best friend so we ended up seeing each other alot. and we had to sit next to eachother almost all year in almost every class. i ended up really liking him then since the summer of 8th grade, after all those rocks he threw at my head, we ended up going out. it was a really quiet relationship but everyone knew. we wouldnt even touch eachother and barely talked, but it was the best thing ever to me. he was my first love. after a year, we finally hugged. a few days later was my first kiss which was with him. we were off and on until around the beginning of last school year then...

—"Never again" the words hit me like a brick. he had broke up with me for good. 2 weeks later, because i knew i wouldn't get him back, i started dating my best friend Pete. We had been close friends for about a year and i really liked him. After we'd been dating only a month and a half he told me he loved me...i was a little scared but i said it back and meant it after i thought about it. I trusted him to take care of my heart, but eventually he broke it. After 7 and a half months of us dating, he said he didn't want us to hate eachother over anything and didn't want to lose me as a friend. it would have torn me apart...would have.

—As i've said before, on Pete's birthday while we were still together, his friend brought a bunch of people to skate up at a school with our friend Brett. That was the first day i saw Nicko...on the last day of school he found me and asked me if i remembered him and got my number. It was like an instant friendship. Next day, Pete dumps me. Nicko cheers me up then we hang out that Monday. 2 weeks later i was already in love, we both were. "Its like being infatuated with your best friend," as i said about love. We started goin out.

—After many memories, text messages, hugs, kisses and phone calls, we came to a revelation. We are the right people for eachother. We're both so happy, we've never been so happy in our lives! The people at my church and my friends and family are all so surprised, they said they'd never seen me this happy before, thats because i've never been this happy before!

i'm finally realizing why everything in my life has happened

in perfect sequence, everything has led up to him and i meeting

even after my mom lyring and the heartbreaks,

finally,

the one person

who truly gets me.

the one person

who's just like me.

the one person

who wont judge me.

the one person

who thinks im perfect,

who thinks im pretty,

who thinks im the right one

finally,

the one person

who loves me for me

me meeting him has got to be why all this has happened,

it just makes so much sense

for once, everything makes sense