almost perfect.

yesterday i went to my friend Matti's birthday party :)

it was actually alot of fun!

my friend Bri was there who i havent seen in a long time

and i hung out with Matt & met his sister and friends

my friends Kelly and Domii were there and we were hyper XD

i was talkative because i knew everyone there

we were all dancing and Matti tried to teach Domii how to dance

we had pizza and cake then at the end we had a bonfire with marshmallows :D

but during the bonfire i got mad and threw my phone across the yard..

because i was ditched for someone else and i knew it was going to happen..

after the party i took my friend Kelly home and invited her to my church's play

when i got home i wasnt in the mood to do anything at all

i tried to play a DS game,

i tried to listen to music

i tried to play bass, draw, paint,

everything

just didnt want to do anything

just hit things...
if he had come to the party like he said he would,
 my day would have been perfect

new pixels of myself!

i made them earlier in the months but havent posted till now,

i had 5 but didnt like but 2, (3rd and so are i will post as i make them)

the second one, i made last night

the first one i made christmas eve but made some changes to it

hope you like it ^_^
(btw these are outfits i actually wear)

i'm really proud of the second one!!

will post more as i make them :)

new people:
new one of nicko

first of amanda!

Songs Left Unexplained #3: "Love You Like I Do"

this song inspired a photo collection of mine i posted a while ago [click for the post]

this song was to me like writing a letter to someone. its emotional for me when i sing it and one time because i was thinking too hard about the words that i felt sick and almost cried.


On my heart I'll bear the shame
No prayer can ease the pain
No one will love you
No one will love you the way I do
No one will love you
Love you like I do

And there's no escape
Just countless mistakes
No one will love you
No one will love you the way I do
No one will love you
Love you like I do

It will never be the same
Witness trust fade away
No one will love you
No one will love you the way I do
No one will love you
Love you like I do

No one will love you
No one will love you the way I do
No one will love you
Love you like I do

Love you like I do
Love you like I do
Love you like I do
Love you like I do


now for my input...


On my heart I'll bear the shame
No prayer can ease the pain
No one will love you
No one will love you the way I do
No one will love you
Love you like I doits hard when you love someone but they love someone else. even if they do love you back, you want to be the only one. "On my heart i'll bear the shame" i felt ashamed that i felt betrayed but i wasnt being betrayed, he already loved her first. "no prayer can ease the pain" because even when she is gone the thought will still be in the back of my mind haunting me. but she cant love you the way i love you...no one will love you like i do.

And there's no escape
Just countless mistakes
No one will love you
No one will love you the way I do
No one will love you
Love you like I do"and there's no escape" every time i think she is gone, she comes back or he goes back to her. he had pushed me away and been mean then for a brief second - he was stolen from me. i just wanted him to remember that no one will love him the way i do...and he did remember because he's mine.

It will never be the same
Witness trust fade away
No one will love you
No one will love you the way I do
No one will love you
Love you like I do
this one is about them...because they love eachother but it cant work...what happened once almost made me stop trusting him but my trust has been renewed. thier trust is not.. no one will love him like i do

No one will love you
No one will love you the way I do
No one will love you
Love you like I do

Love you like I do
Love you like I do
Love you like I do
Love you like I do
the lines speak for themselves.

personally, i despise being compared to her..in any way shape or form. but since i am anyways then i guess i will join in on this and say im the best..i'm different. no one can do what i do or love you the way i do.

this song is about my jealousy towards her and that i think i am the best person for him.

this song is sad but also in rage and desperation...because when i really think about it, when i sing  this, it is because i want to say "i love you" but in rage thinking "i'm the best!!" but the sadness in myself wanting to be the only one. this song is my cry of despair just saying "take me and keep me forever" because that is what i want and i will beg on my hands and knees to have it if i have to...

someone should totally getme this :D

i've been wanting it forever!!

omg >.<

ONLINE SCHOOLING FTW!!!!

i screenshotted this from schooling im doing right now lol

Songs Left Unexplained #2: "Angel"

 this song is called "Angel" and i would like to say that the artist is unknown. It was first said to be by Type O Negative but they claim the song is not thiers, then suspected to be by German(or Finnish?) band Astral Sleep who say he song is great but do not claim it. I believe it is by a band called Tears of Passion but no one is sure who performs it, but its a great song.

I'm looking straight in the mirror of truth
I am not immortal, I've lost my youth
Maybe I see the hell, maybe the paradise
But one thing I surely know, that my spirit will be rised


Angel I want to be with you, so tell me what can I do
Angel I want to be with you, so tell me what can I do


My soul starts to burst, I'm going insane
More than the dead I feel the blood in my veins
I know I'm gonna die, astral light is all I see
I'm still looking in the mirror, the Angel is me


Angel only you can see, you are the one, you set me free
Angel only you can see, you are the one, you set me free


I see the sadness in your eyes
My whole life was a disguise
At the funeral you won't be there
I will follow you everywhere


Angel I want to be with you, so tell me what can I do
(Angel)
Angel nly you can see, you are the one, you set me free
(Angel)

now i will post again with my input...

I'm looking straight in the mirror of truth
I am not immortal, I've lost my youth
Maybe I see the hell, maybe the paradise
But one thing I surely know, that my spirit will be rised
the first 2 lines was me realizing that i just wasted alot of my time. i knew i grew up a little, but at the same time all the growing up was during wasted time. "maybe i see the hell, maybe the paradise" was me meeting nick, i had been looking at the negative things but i was starting to feel more positive. i said i didnt want a boyfriend but i knew i wanted him and i knew he would make me happy ("but one thing i suely know, that my spirit will be rised")


Angel I want to be with you, so tell me what can I do
Angel I want to be with you, so tell me what can I do
as "angel" i meant nick...i wanted to be with him so bad, but i didnt know how to let myself love him. i was scared and didnt know what to do. he actually text me "angel i want to be with you so tell me what can i do" one time, and i was really flattered and excited. i blushed for hours :)
My soul starts to burst, I'm going insane
More than the dead I feel the blood in my veins
I know I'm gonna die, astral light is all I see
I'm still looking in the mirror, the Angel is me
the first line, going insane in a good way. i was becoming so overwhelmed with happiness that i was feeling more alive than dead now. every dies but i now finally saw the light in a good way. i saw the light in a boy who was just like me. "i'm still looking in the mirror, the Angel is me"


Angel only you can see, you are the one, you set me free
Angel only you can see, you are the one, you set me free
the angel to me is Nick. he set me free from the pain of my last relationship...i had this song up before we were together though, he had already started making me happy.
I see the sadness in your eyes
My whole life was a disguise
At the funeral you won't be there
I will follow you everywhere
words to my ex...basically meaning he's gonna regret letting me go and pushing me away and it will haunt him. (i think i was right..)


Angel I want to be with you, so tell me what can I do
(Angel)
Angel only you can see, you are the one, you set me free
(Angel)
i love my angel..♥

just editing...

before and after

i think i did pretty good

before and after

"what makes me qualified"

here's what i submitted for the FMP application that got me chosen :) i'll highlight the statement that caught thier attention

What makes me qualified
When I first came to this school in 9th grade, I had no drive to be in or pass school whatsoever and I didn’t care. I failed the year my freshman year and sophomore year. I really wasn’t doing well at the beginning of this year either, but my failures are not what make me qualified. What makes me qualified is the fact that I have made a complete turn-around. I went from having failing grades to now having all A’s.


It took me a while to get on track but I don’t want the new freshman to do what I did and not care. I want to show them from the beginning of their high school careers that there really is a reason to try and to finish high school. It has taken me two and a half years to realize this and I don’t want them to waste their time or their teacher’s time like I have. The earlier they know, the harder they might try and they better they might do.


I also think the fact that I am a little different can also help this. I’m sure a lot of the typically smarter or maybe popular students will be applying for this program and have a lot of a better chance of being chosen than I do. I was one of those students who thought of themselves as a failure, didn’t get good grades and thought I was stupid and gave up or didn’t try because I thought that. I know for a fact there will be kids like that and they are the main reason I want to help out. I want to show them that they are smart, they do have potential, and they can do it, because if I can then anyone can.


I want to help the new freshman set goals, start really thinking about their future and learn to deal with life in high school. When I came to this school not only was I new to the school but I was also new to the district and didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have anyone to show me what to do when I got here so reality really kicked me in the face. I would love to make this place more comfortable for the freshman and I think this is an awesome idea.


I’m not a natural born leader but I am learning to put my ideas out there and help out. I am very patient which is usually needed with younger students and new students so I think that is a really good quality about me. I can make them feel comfortable if they need someone to talk to and I am really creative so I think I could really be useful if you do choose me.

i wont post the three activities though because i dont want them to be stolen >.<
but if you want i can e-mail you and tell you or something if u want to know ^_^

good day today :)

it was quite nice out :)

today at school, i had an interview with 2 teachers for next year's freshman mentor program. i signed up for it.

as soon as i sat down, without saying anything, they already said they were very much interested in me and already think im a good candidate just from reading my activities and essay i submitted :D

THAT made me really confident!

the interview went very well.

they asked 8 questions and they liked all of my answers.

the teachers said they really want to know me better and asked to meet again another time during the day :D they really like me!! im pretty sure im gonna get the position :)

Mr.Long said i have a "hidden intelect" and that if i spoke up more that he thinks people would really value my input and opinions. 

Mr.Carmichael said he thinks im beautiful, talented and intelegent and they could use someone like me on thier team!

but they both said i should have been a little less nervous lol

i now have 2 more people to wave to in the hallway :)

Songs Left Unexplained #1: "I'm Stupid"

i decided to start what i called "Songs Left Unexplained"

these are songs that i've had as themes or favorite songs and what they mean to me

in these coming posts i will be explaining them...

This song is called "I'm Stupid" by Him & Her. I had known it for a while but all of a sudden it had a meaning. i had this song as a theme on a webpage of mine a few days before my ex-boyfriend had dumped me. reading the lyrics may help you figure it out:

Oh I'm Stupid
Your smarter
I'm stupid
Thinking theres a way
That this could turn out right


Oh I'm dreaming
You woke up
An I should have known from the start
That you were never mine


Coz if I could make you love me
Your out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
An don't worry bout me
Don't make me feel something you don't


Oh I'm crying
But don't pity
I'm dying but just walk away
I'm gunna be alright


Coz I was dreaming you woke up
An I'm gunna miss you but I
I'm gunna be alright


Coz if I could make you love me
Your out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me


If I could make you love me
Your not the one here to blame
And I will make it on my own
And don't worry bout me
Don't worry bout me
Don't worry bout me


Oh I'm stupid
Your smarter
I'm stupid thinking theres a way
This could turn out right


Coz if I could make you love me
Your out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry bout me


If I could make you love me
Your not the one here to blame
I will make it on my own
And don't worry bout me
Don't worry bout me
Don't worry bout me


Coz if I could make you love me
Your out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry bout me
Don't worry bout me

this time i will post the lyrics with my input...

Oh I'm Stupid
Your smarter
I'm stupid
Thinking theres a way
That this could turn out right

i felt stupid because he said how much he loved me and then just stopped talking to me and left me. when i had asked him out, it wasnt supposed to turn serious. i liked him and he was my best friend so i knew i would be happy and wanted to get my mind off of the previous guy who had completely shattered my heart. i asked him out for fun, i thought we would be good but then he said "i love you." at first i wasnt sure if i loved him back, i loved him but i wasnt in love with him, but then i fell for him.. he used the word "forever" and made me think he meant it, then hurt me 2 months later. within that whole two months, he had changed his habits, friends and the way he treated me. honestly, i almost left him. but he said i wouldn't lose him unless i left, but he left. i tried to hold on but i couldnt so he was gone and i couldnt do anything about it.

Oh I'm dreaming
You woke up
An I should have known from the start
That you were never mine

"woke up" meant i dreamt for a little that he had come back to his senses and begged for me back, he didnt though. i had found out he was talking to my best friend at the time and they did end up dating. i figured out that he had liked her the entire time he was with me. hense the fraze "he was never mine"

Coz if I could make you love me
Your out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
An don't worry bout me
Don't make me feel something you don't

"coz if i could make you love me, you're out of reasons to stay" can come off kind of bad...what i mean is that, guys would always say they loved me first as in they would fall before me. i started to feel like i needed to fall in love with someone and i needed to be the one to say "i love you" first. (by the way, i told nick i loved him first.) i had already figured out only days later that i was falling in love with someone else (nick) and i had began to stop caring about my ex's feelings. "dont make me feel something you dont" he told me about a month and a half later that he didnt know what love was. which means he had been lying to me the whole time. and then i felt like sh*t because i realized i had been in a situation where i loved someone that didn't love me back.

Oh I'm crying
But don't pity
I'm dying but just walk away
I'm gunna be alright

i wanted to die when he left. the day he left me, i was walking down the street and he drove past me. didn't stop or anything. just a slight pause and stare out the window then a sharp turn around the corner. he said if i needed a shoulder to cry on he would be there for me. he wasnt. he left me there to die. "im gunna be alright" this feeling was after i hung out with nick for the first time.

Oh I'm stupid
Your smarter
I'm stupid thinking theres a way
This could turn out right

Coz if I could make you love me
Your out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry bout me

If I could make you love me
Your not the one here to blame

Coz I was dreaming you woke up
An I'm gunna miss you but I
I'm gunna be alright

i had a dream that he begged for me back again, but in the dream i rejected him this time. "i'm gunna be alright"

Coz if I could make you love me
Your out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me

If I could make you love me
Your not the one here to blame
And I will make it on my own
And don't worry bout me
Don't worry bout me
Don't worry bout me

its my fault for saying it back. i should have left when i had planned to. a month and a half into our relationship i was going to break it off to keep it from getting serious. before i could, he said he loved me and i couldnt do it. i felt bad, then i didnt know how i felt. i let it go too far

I will make it on my own
And don't worry bout me
Don't worry bout me
Don't worry bout me

Coz if I could make you love me
Your out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry bout me
Don't worry bout me

i didnt care for him anymore. i was happier and am happier now that i have my true love. i made it on my own and i said it first. "don't worry bout me"

Something For You All To Remember

never underestimate the power of love, it can take you many places. it can be a motivation and it can be more powerful than anything you ever feel. 

love is a privilege you should never take for granted. 

love is a gift you should always accept and never push away. 

love is a lesson to teach you to be happy. 

love is a blessing to all even if they don't deserve it.

love is a beautiful trinket for all to cherish.

love is a sun and moon to keep you from the darkness.

love is a scapegoat from all problems.

love is a perfect season that is all-year-round.

love is a blanket to warm your soul and heart.

if only you all realized what love can really do,
and saw for yourselves

love can encourage even the most unmotivated person.

love can find even the most lost person.

love can make even the quietest girl want to speak out.
love can make the one who gave up want to take another chance.
love can build up the broken.
love can solve problems.

i want people to learn about love for themselves.

not just any love, but true love.

i want everyone to have that.

hmm..

yesterday, some issues were resolved which i am very glad for.

now i can go back to being happy again :)

another reason to smile is that my dad may be coming up here on April 3rd and i really hope that he can!!

i only get to see him once a year, and if i saw him then, it would be twice this year :)

my dad also has a new girlfriend(which i mentioned in a previous post)

today i got to talk to her on the phone :D

her name is Margarita and she is really nice

she talks very loudly though haha i hope to meet her soon :)

also i am getting my hair cut and dyed on that day as well

hopefully it will be done before my dad gets here if he comes

~

speaking of the play, it is going well

i am holding a grudge against it (lol) but it is the best we've done for a while now

we've got a dynamic new set, different than all of the other years

and we have a Satan in our play for the first time

we've got new props, effects and tricks thanks to Phil Dalton 

and yes, The Illusionist, Phil Dalton :) 

he has put alot of work into making this play the best it can be

i run the spot light for the play so i am not seen

but a few years ago i played the angel in the play

i was really good at it :) but i wanted to give someone else a chance

i waited 8 years for the part and had it for 2

i didnt want anyone else to have to wait that long so i gave it away

~
so far today has been good :)
i cant wait to talk to Nick after school
he promises i will see him soon which excites me :)
love makes me very happy
and he is love :)

things are good again <3

Poem - Thank You, Love

thank you for being here
and working this out with me
it shows me how much really care about me
by saying you want to fix it

i want you to know how much i really appreciate you
i will continue to give you all of me
i will continue to give you all of my love

you deserve it for doing this for me

just the thought of you doing something this thoughtful fills me with joy
it means so much to me..it really means more than you think

most wouldnt do this, they would just give up
but you...when you said you wouldnt give up on me, you were serious
and you have shown me. this has made me love you even more

kiss me
hold me
hug me
love me

you're perfect, and now i remember

stay with me and i will continue to do my best for you
hug me so my face can turn red again, then kiss it
i will always kiss you back
let me lay on you and be at peace again