Dear Nick,

I don’t know why im doing this, but I am. Sometimes I feel really hopeless and scared and this is one of those times. I love you and I need you so much, I wish I could really tell you to the extent that I do.. but its so hard to do… I guess these are the things that I’m too scared to say.

                I miss you. I saw you for a second today but I missed you. And I still miss you now. i want to see you all the time this summer just like you said we would…I don’t have much longer before I leave for Texas and I want to spend all the time I can with you, I don’t care what we do or where we go as long as I can see your face or hold your hand or even just know you’re there, I just want you here. I only ask people to hang out because that’s what you want me to do…i don’t want to hang out with anyone but you really right now. you’re still the only one on my mind. Even if I’m hanging out with other people, the only person on my mind is you. Remember the movie “Bridge To Terabithia?” what happened to us promising to always being with each other and making sure each other is safe?...you’re my best friend, I never want to be without you and I don’t want anything bad to happen to either of us. I will still keep my promise whether or not you choose to…

                You said that our relationship didn’t matter with the band…the whole reason I wanted to do this band with you is because we are friends and we work so well together, and I knew it would work with us. And it did, we did the cover ourselves and it sounded so good (the parts we did) and I felt so confident playing around you and with you because you think im good and always tell me how good I am and make me feel like I can really do it, and you play so well…it’s just what I needed. I wish we could still do Northern Thorns at least, because that would work. I love to make music and I want to make it with you, I hope you can find it in you to want to, too. I’d be so sad if you sold your drums. I know you said you hate them, and I know its annoying to always have people wanting you to play.

                I know you’ve been mean the past couple days but I still, honestly, don’t think you’re a d*ck. For the majority of our time together, you have been so incredibly sweet. You’ve done things for me that any girl could only dream of. Everyone hears about all the amazing things you’ve done for me and the things you say and the ways you show you love me and everyone is always like “wow, I wish I had that.” You’re right I like the attention. I love the attention of being able to go to your things at school like games and have everyone already know my name and I like the attention that your dogs will come up to me and let me pet them. I love that people wish they had what we do because I know how special it is and everyone can see it. A lot of people don’t believe in true love and I almost stopped believing but you changed my mind in a second and in 19 days my mind will have been changed for a year and two weeks.

                Now I’m bragging…I have the popular guy who everyone knows. I have the guy that looks better than everyone else’s. I have the guy that will hold my hand infront of his friend and doesn’t care what people think about it. I have the best friend that wont let anyone make fun of me. I have the boyfriend who wont flirt with my friends. I have the boyfriend that doesn’t mind that im weird will be weird right along with me. I have the coach I need to push me through anything I need to get through and make sure I get through it. I have the happy thought to think of in the morning and the call to put me to sleep. i have never had a friend or anyone who has voluntarily cared for and about me as much as you do.

                You really are everything I need… to sum it all up: the care of a father, the protectiveness of a brother, the closeness of a childhood friend, the motivation of a coach, the understanding of a therapist, the comfort of a best friend , the fun of a boyfriend and the love of a husband. God has blessed me with you and you don’t need your glasses on to see that. I still fall in love with you over and over each time I think of you even when you’re being mean. Do you get it now? You are everything to me, THIS is why I need you. everything I have missed out on and everything I need to know…you tell me. I know you want the best for me and so do I, that’s why I wont settle for anything less than the best. And you’re the best.

                I will still do anything for you just like I said, and I will love you forever and I will never leave you. I’m here whenever yo need me and I promise I will…I want us to have everything we planned on and I know I will be able to make you happy. I can be the best person for you and I will show you that I love you every single day in every possible way I can until the day I die.i will make it my oath to you to be able to give you just as much as you have given me and one day I will make it all up to you.

                Its true, I do shed tears when I write to you and its not because im sad but because I’m grateful to have you and im scared to lose you. when I think about you I just want to hold you and be with you and I never want this to end.

I don’t even know if you’ll read this or not…               

I know you’re getting bored and I don’t want you to be…

If you read this and it really means something to you…call me and have the first thing you say is “Baby, I love you”

i'm back to having to go outside for a connection...

may not be able to post alot for a while...

until then...later,

well...

i just want to die...so yeah

summer wishlist, ♥

http://store.iheartdropdead.com/product.php/310/3/bat_dress
http://www.heartagram.com/store/product/vertical-hoodie
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Shoes/Boots/Volatile-Black-Strap-Combat-Boots-203378.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Shoes/Converse/Converse-RED-All-Star-I-Heart-High-Tops-125511.jsp
(and some white fabric paint to write someone's name...♥)
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Tops/Tanks/A-Fine-Mess-Burnout-Guns-Tank-Top-269883.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Tops/Tanks/A-Fine-Mess-Skull-And-Rose-Burnout-Tank-Top-238648.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Dresses/Black-And-White-News-Bow-Dress-265640.jsp
(^^^omg!!!!♥)
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Swim/Turquoise-And-Black-Rib-Cage-OnePiece-Swimsuit-174350.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Bottoms/Denim/Tripp-Purple-Stone-Wash-Skinny-Jeans-208702.jsp
http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=176&subCategoryId=215&productId=35762
(^^^omg!!!!♥)
http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=103&subCategoryId=123&productId=35233
http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=102&subCategoryId=117&productId=35859
http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=102&subCategoryId=116&productId=33040
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=top_graphict&product_id=2000003065&Page=4&pgcount=25
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=top_graphict&product_id=2080746270&Page=7&pgcount=25
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=top_graphict&product_id=2075583690&Page=10&pgcount=25
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=sweater&product_id=2068645167&Page=1&pgcount=100&sort=lp
http://www.cute-plush.com/sadcathat.htm
http://www.spencersonline.com/product/black-and-white-stero-printed-belt/
http://www.spencersonline.com/product/multi-size-shain-choker/

everything i wanted to look like...
everything i wanted to do...
everything i have been told...
everything that you know...
everything i feel...
everypain i feel ...
everypain you feel.
                  we feel.
i dont know you...
i dont know why...
i dont know how i did it...
                    but i did it...
i am sorry, sincerely, but it will never matter
i've only seen you in dreams
even before i knew you existed
         and i wish i hadnt
dear lord, i wish i hadnt
because you ruined me
  completely ruined me
  completely tore me apart
                     tore me from the inside out
now where am i now?
   can you guess now?
      do you know now?
i'm excactly where you want me
       in pain
       in tears
       in love
and in fears
     i care about who you are
but i dont know who you are
and it makes no sense..
i dont hate you, i only hate what happened
and in my head i forgave you,
                   and i forgave you too...
but i still cant bear to know you exist
just the same way you cant bear me
he said he's free...
                          and one day i hope to be

last day of school,

its finally over

and i passed all of my exams and got my credits.

be proud..i know i am ♥

my speech

this is the speech i gave recently that i told you all about. its about my journey through highschool so far...but its very vague compared to what really happened. i left alot out.. but here we go

Alright, so, what have I learned in high school so far…I have learned that all guys are jerks, girls are always backstabbers, teachers are always evil, cheerleaders are mean and jocks steal your lunch money; valuable life lesson, right? Wrong. I didn’t learn that at all. I learned that the way they portray high school on movies and tv are totally different than actual high school. I learned that all of those stereotypes are completely untrue. I also learned that you don’t have to change or be someone that you aren’t just to fit in and that “fitting in” in school isn’t even important.
I already felt out of place just being in school in general, because there are so many people and so many faces, but I moved right after middle school to this district where I didn’t know anybody and was about to start attending a school that I had never even heard of. That took loneliness to a whole other level. I walked into the building knowing one person in the entire school and she wasn’t even in any of my classes. This school was totally new and I didn’t know my way around and barely how to get home and having to walk for the first half-year trying to figure out which way would get me home the fastest before I died of starvation on the side of Springdale. I didn’t know really anyone at my school and no one in my neighborhood besides my grandma and the paperboy.
Eventually, I made my way around the school but still more or less kept to myself. There were two guys in my Art class who would blow kisses at me every morning to make me in the most awkward way possible then I made a friend in my second class, which only had 5 people in it. Two of them were always asleep, one was never there and then there was me and the guy next to me, and all I knew was that we liked the same music and that he farted louder than anyone I knew. He was my first friend in high school. Freshman year English, was definitely the best.
Still being my quiet self, I made another friend in an odd way. One day, someone ran up to me, yelling “hot potato!” and scooped me off the ground then threw me around in a circle of about 4 other people. After them doing this every day for about a week, he finally says to me “so, what’s your name?” and then I had a bunch of friends just from the hallway, it was a good feeling even though it was a funny start.
I had been stalked a little my first year in gym class, but its not something I often mention. We were at a time best friends, but then things got creepy and I faded my self away, then I was getting harassed by him and he left the school. It’s the beginning of the year and he’s back. And he’s in the same lunch as me, staring me down as I sat at lunch and it was a little scary, I was hoping he wouldn’t do anything but I didn’t really tell anybody what was wrong either, because no one would take me seriously, because I wasn’t usually serious in front of people.
The end of the year was coming and everyone was excited until tragedy struck, one of my best friends had passed away. I found out over the web while I was spending the night at my friend’s house…but my friend that had passed, lived only four houses up the street. Now I had only wished I had stayed home and went up to the store and passed her house that day instead, so maybe she could have seen me from the window and asked me for help so maybe she could still be here. Now there’s one less bright face here, but I know God values her talent more than anyone on earth ever could.
Now it’s the end of my freshman year, and after a horrible second semester and nearly getting expelled for something that shouldn’t have mattered, I had failed the year. And I had hoped to see all of my friends the next year, but most of them were seniors and graduated. So there I was again, feeling alone, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to drop out, get a job, paint pictures and make music.
Now, I’m supposed to be a sophomore but at the beginning of my second year of high school, I don’t have enough credits and still count as only a freshman. Or they call it a “fresh-more.” I made a friend in my credit recovery class and had a set 3 people that I talked to everyday, which is nice because I liked the routine. My friend had almost every class with me including lunch so we were always together. After a while of not knowing where to sit, we went over to a different table after my friend lured me with a laser pointer, taking advantage of my not being able to resist following it. It was a fun lunch after that, everyone at the table shared food with eachother and they were all hilarious. I remember when one of them made a green bean castle an a tower out of everyone’s milk cartons. It was good times.
At about the beginning of second semester, my friend who I was always with had gotten expelled for who-knows-what and moved to Kentucky. Now, I didn’t have anyone to talk to all day anymore, but then it got a little better once we all got new classes. I had creative writing which is just what I needed and I became close with another girl from credit recovery and my friend from freshman algebra. By the end of the year, we were all like family.
then here comes May, and things start going bad with me and my boyfriend at the time and he broke up with me on the first day of summer vacation, and it almost ruined my summer. But the day before he broke up with me, I got a message online from someone who I had met before but barely knew, and the next days on, he tried to cheer me up every single day. After only 2 weeks I couldn’t help but love him already and I told him and he said he felt the same. I went to New York and then the rest of the summer was with him, and his name is Nick.
I started the new school year almost completely over once again. I lost all of my middle school friends because they all changed and stopped talking, my whole lunch table from last year was almost all seniors and my two friends from Creative Writing went on to Butler Tech, which I didn’t get accepted to. I felt lonely and didn’t really have anyone to talk to that I was close with, I just looked foreward to going home and making art. And I was a sophomore in my now supposed to be junior year from slacking off, but I didn’t even care. I just wanted to drop out, get a job, paint pictures and make music.
Here comes second semester and still as always, I’m keeping to myself. Right before the beginning of second quarter starts, I’m on the phone with my boyfriend one night and we were talking about random things, then he hung up. Then called me back and wanted to talk about school, so I was confused. After half an hour, he said that when we get older and get married, that we’d be cute hobos but he’d rather us have money. And I got a laugh out of it, but we made a deal that if I did good, then he would too. Now, I have straight A’s for the first time since 4th grade, making a complete turn around.
It feels good to be passing, when you’ve basically failed every year since the 5th grade, you just get used to failing and start to care…but then when you finally think of something you really want, like a future with somebody and really start dreaming, you can do anything. Including have friends.
I’ve encountered so many different people here in high school and I was scared they would be mean to me at first, but everyone ends up nice somehow. Just the other day, there was a girl who I have been holding the door for since the beginning of the year, she says hi to me in the hallways now and smiles. People who I’ve even just said hi to or smiled at, still wave to me like they remember me. I don’t have much in common with many people, but its always cool to have people you can call your friends that are nice to you. I know people from every “clique” and their all nice.
So once a failure, not always a failure; you don’t have to fit in, cheerleaders aren’t mean, jocks don’t steal your money, not all teachers are evil, not all guys are jerks and not all girls will stab you in the back.
It’s the end of my junior year and I’ll be graduating hopefully next year. Me and Nick have been together almost a year and once again, most of my friends are graduating. Now next year I get to start all over again but this time I wont be as alone or scared. I cant wait to go to college and move out. All I wanna do is graduate, get a job, paint pictures and make music.

crossing my fingers..

hopefully today goes better but it hasnt so far :(

i couldnt sleep at all lastnight~ its just not fair >.< i was tired!!

i have 2 "exams" today a\that i really dont wanna do

and im soooo hungry, its not even funny..

i really hope i dont fail

well time to play some more mahjongg...later,

Lyrics - That Whole Time

you'll never see this, so i dont care to show the world

and even if you did see it, you know its true 

f*ck you

what's come over you? why do you sound like that...
i'd never yell at you, and i cant fight back...
for once, giving up was the right think to do
and sooner than i thought, i was already over you
i've got it all figured out and now for life i'm set
you call yourself "a man" but you're lost and all you have left now is regret

that you will never make me cry again
you will never see me smile again
you'll never look in my eyes again
and you'll never get the chance to try again

and you know i never lied that whole time
i just wanted to cry that whole time
and i know that you lied that whole time
i just wanted to cry that whole time

it was just a white lie...

its been 2 weeks and not a single word...
and not from you, but of you i've heard...
for once without the hope in my head, i should have pulled through
i was the one who should have left, not you
you know you hurt me and now you cant bare to see my face
just like when you dissappeared without a trace
(but that doesnt matter now...)

that you will never make me cry again

you will never see me smile again

you'll never look in my eyes again

and you'll never get the chance to try again

and you know i never lied that whole time

i just wanted to cry that whole time

and i know that you lied that whole time

i just wanted to cry that whole time

was it just a lie?

it was perfection,
just me and you..
just us two...
we'll always be together
until you change your mind again
then its simple, then
forever turns into never

and now you know what i mean
i tried to give you love and everything in between
now look what you've done
you've thrown it all away and now all you've got are regrets...

you will never make me cry again

you will never see me smile again

you'll never look in my eyes again

and you'll never get the chance to try again

and you know i never lied that whole time

i just wanted to cry that whole time

and i know that you lied that whole time

i just wanted to cry that whole time

that "i love you" was a lie...

you will never make me cry again

wipe a tear from my eye again

you will never get the chance to lie again

or scream and fight again

you'll never make me smile again

you'll never make me sigh again

never make me feel shy again

and you'll never get the chance to try again

and you know i never lied that whole time

i just wanted to cry that whole time

and i know that you lied that whole time

i just wanted to cry that whole time

that "i love you" was a lie...

(and you'll always miss me)

things just did not go as planned today, i was pretty mad about it, im not gonna lie. i finally get the chance to do something that i've always wanted someone to do with me and then they bail out.. or add stuff in... i hate being ditched and/or bailed on... thats the best way to guarantee making me angry.

_________________________________________________

i did good on my monologue but no one even congratulated me :(