i miss you :(

i talk to you all day long. on the phone, somethimes the computer too. i can't go a day without talking to you, or i feel wrong, like something is missing.. it hurts me, alot.. you make me happy. you've got a really sweet personality and your randomness makes me confused but want to hug you at the same time. i love when you make faces at me on webcam, and how your new laptop automatically zooms up on your nipple when your shirt is off. xD its hilarious. i love how you say i love you an average of every 13 minutes and how you yell "KITTAY!" whenever i start staring off into space and get lost out of the conversation. i think its cute how every time i say "whats up" it takes you 10 minutes to answer and all you say is "huh?" and i love putting your randomness as my facebook statuses. i love hearing your voice and how you spontaneously burst into song.

i can hear you

i can see you

i can feel you

but there is one thing missing,

i can not touch you..

i'm happy, you're right...i'm happy to have you, i'm happy that you're mine, i'm happy that you make me happy...but i never get to see you, up close, in person; no kisses or hugs.. i want to kiss you and touch your face, i want to hold your hand, i want to feel your breath on my ear when you whisper to me...everything.. i miss the days where we would see eachother every single day....every day, turned to 3 times a week, that turned into weekends, now...maybe it's once a month..

i'm jealous of anyone who sees you..

i miss everything we used to do together...we used to go to the mall, we used to go to the movies, hang out with people, go to parties, out to eat...i never really did those things with anyone else, only you. we used to hang out every single little chance we got, and i still try, but it's never a yes.. i have had alot of patience with you...we've been through alot with eachother, sometimes i was scared i would lose you and sometimes i even wanted to leave, sometimes it took everything in me to hold myself together, but being able to see you made it so much easier. because when something bad happened, you would come here or have me over there, we would walk to meet half way and you would hold me and reassure me that everything would be okay. now, everything hits harder. i'm more sensitive than i was.. i'm always worried that you're trying to get away from me or you hate me or something, even though i know its not true i always get scared now because i can't come see you. you only live a few streets over.. i remember when we were first dating, i was scared to hang out with you all the time, i wanted to see you every day, but i didn't think i could. one day you told me, that if i ever wanted you to come over to just say "bitch come over!" and that you would be there. i wish that still worked, although i would never call you that...

i pray every day and night that your IBS would go away, but it justs seems to get worse.. this syndrome has broken my heart more than agatha ever did... and you know that means it's bad.. your stomach has taken  you away from me.. we can't even go to church together. i can't even stay at your house all day like we used to, because even i make you sick now. if there was a way, i would kill it and take it away. i would cure it and make you better then you can be mine again right? so we can do everything we used to do and then you can take me to prom and we can go on vacation together or the festival! or at least grocery shopping! i wish it was that easy...baby, i'm going crazy.. i try so hard to keep my cool but i miss you so much and it hurts so bad. you know how vivid my memory is, long term...i remember everything, every look, sound, feeling...but memories arent vivid enough to feel a physical touch.. you're my sanity, my lover, my best friend...my everything.

i just need you to hold me..

uh...umm..

i cannot express my true feelings on here... unless in the form of a song or poem, but that is not raw. it leaves out parts and keeps you pressed away by symbolism that only people close to me would possible understand.

you see, all of my feelings are strong.

whether it is happiness or sadness, particularly rage, they are all in depth, immense, and currently...suppressed. they are condensed about to the point of eruption.

after a while, i don't think i'll be able to take it. but...i do not want to explode.. in the past year and a half, i haven't.. but i almost did about a month ago. because i hold in all of my feelings, i'm even more sensitive than i used to me, which is bad..

my heart has been through alot.. and i have a strong heart, and every punch thrown, i can take it...but they still hurt. and my bruises never show, so nobody knows but me.

sometimes i scare myself with the way i feel...i have to try really hard to keep myself under control, i hate to say things i don't mean.. or things that i don't know if i mean..

this blog is fun to me...it's me, but its not as much my feelings anymore..

which is the reason i created this blog in the first place, for my writing...my writing is my feelings

but i stopped posting all of my poems.. i didn't want any reactions that i didn't want.. and no one ever reads those anyway.

i'm still going to have this as my main blog, but i think i will make a separate blog so i can write out my feelings...it will be a private, invite only blog. not public. maybe..

i don't know.

bottom line is, i've got a hell of alot on my mind.

c h r i s t m a s ~

this was me on christmas :)

my i was all red and green-y :D

here's some of the stuff i got for christmas! :D

i got a new phone finally! with a new cell carrier

i can now send international texts and use mobile web ^_^

hehehe...i like it alot :]

 also, my dad came up here with his gf, she's really nice and her name is Mierna. she gave me this ladybug ring :) i love it...kinda vintage looking ^_^ <3 and my dad got me my phone as well..

my mom got me these pants for christmas :D

they're spandex ^_^ nick would like them...a little too much xD

they're beyond form fitting i must say >_>

but they are very comfortable :D

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well that's about all for now :)

probably more wordy posts later....

as i am needing to vent some anger lol

j  a  h  a  n  e ♥