under the rose..

just some gothic inspired pictures i took the other day

i look very different with black lipstick

i think i kinda like it :)

emo scribbles!

products of my boredome in credit recovery..

i'm not emo but i think these are kinda cute :)

Poem - Let Me Sleep

every night, i love the way,
before i go to sleep
he keeps me safe and soothes my soul
to make sure i do not weep

i talk to my love, then i lay to rest
no fears, hates, or frustration
but do you know the pain of going to sleep so happy
and then waking up in devastation

nightmare come and nightmare go,
the nightmares are a coma
nightmares of him coming home to me
stenched with your aroma

walking in to our own room
married, are we not?
i dont wish to see you touching him,
can't you try better to not get caught?

now you're a waitress, and i'm in the restroom
i hear a kiss, but from who to whom?
no resistance, is all i heard.. and it puts me in a tomb

and then every week,
that dream that i'm dreading
that horrible dream
where you ruin my wedding

when you cry at the alter
and rub your face on my dress
stomping in your heels, screaming
how you miss his caress

in front of my family and the few friends i have
embarrassing me for some years from the past
pleading and whining, complaining and crying
talking about memories to him, reminding
him of all the times when he loved you..
and making him forget me, God, forsaking
making me cry instead of saying i do
and then you make him say it to you..

insomnia, i thought, 

would my only battle be

but you're causing me such insanity

what i would give 

that for just one day

that every thought of you 

would just go away

just one night

that's all i need

because i'm so tired

that i can barely read

insomnia, i thought, 

would my only battle be

but you're causing me such insanity

i just want you away from me
i'll beg with all of my desperation
its even worse to break a heart
in the state of deprivation

nick made me these

g o b a n a n a s ;

i was dressed up in all yellow today for our school spirit day. 

i might post my whole outfit later, but anyway, today is boring so far.

basically i'm giving a speach on monday because one of the freshman made me kinda mad, asking if the program was pointless...so i dont think they'll really like that..

life is really starting to get frustrating, and its taking alot out of me and nick. we're so happy together, but thats the only parts of our lives that aren't messed up. i thought that his ex-girlfriend was the only obstacle we would have to overcome, but this summer we had a bigger problem that i cant believe even happened, it was stuff that was from the past and it was dumb that trouble came out of it.. then we could barely see eachother anymore. and now he has horrible stomach pains and i've got really bad anxiety and freak out all the time. both of our homes are starting to get tiring, and i hate where i live and who i live with...

we want to be happy and be together forever and we're going to, but there are so many things trying to stop us. first it was an array of different people, then it was parents, and now its physical pain which is hurting us both emotionally as well and its so stressful.. all we want to do is love eachother  it makes me so sad, and him too. everyone please pray for us and help us out, we need it, and im going to talk to God too.. we're going to do all we can to fix everything so we can be happy not just with eachother but with everything else too.  he's worth way too much to give up on. i love him so much ♥

well,

apparently ducks are hot tempered.

my love; ♥

oh how i miss him ♥
the other day, monday, was a bad day though..
very bad... but everything is fine now.
nick was supposed to walk with me from school, i started a day before him, so he was off school,
but he lost track of time and i was sad.. i waited at the park behind from his house for 30 minutes, i called his cell and his house and texted him but no answer.. then i heard him yell, so i started walking to his house from the back way, and he was skating with kyle. i guess he yelled because he fell.. i was so sad :(  i just wanted to cry.. and i did.. he held me.
we hung out at larry's for a little then his dad got home and he had to go.. i kind of blew up.. and i wanted to kiss him and hug him, but at the same time i was mad and sad and the two feelings combined frazzled me and i got confused and when he hugged me i pushed him away... and i squeezed his hand but i really just wanted to hold it... and i was so scared and i didnt know what to do i was so confused :( i didnt mean to do it, i love him! i would never want to push him away.. it really hurt him :( we talked about everything though and we're fine again..
i told him, that when i promised i would never leave him thats also me promising to always be there, and to be nice too him and be the best to him. i will never give up on him no matter what and will always forgive him and him the same to me. i love him so much, he is so perfect, i love the way that we never fight.
when we're upset we talk, just talk about it and then everything is fine as soon as the problem is fixed which is one of the best things about us. that's why we're going to last forever, and i can say that with confidence unlike anything else.

i love my beautiful boy ♥
i cant wait until my school dances and when we start going on dates again.
he said we're going to try and hang out more, i miss being his best friend
we get along so well, he's the only person i ever wanna hang out with
because we work so well together.
he's the whole package,
pretty, sweet, understanding, smart
athletic, generous and thoughtful and so much more
i'm in love with my best friend :)
this is the best i've ever had,
and i want him forever ♥

boredness; blahhhhhh, omg... T-T

i've just been sitting here waiting to leave. 

i colored on photoshop ^_^

kinda like that litttle thing, but i dont know what to do with it..

XD oh well, i'll figure it out haha

hamster love! ♥
                
                
                  

i miss this show so much <3 everyone loves hamtaro!

study hall.

this is my first study hall in like, my whole life. and i'm a senior.

today is my second day at school and i dont even know, it feels wierd

knowing that i most likely wont be here another year, its wierd..

while on the subject of school,

i am going to be a doctor, now. instead of a graphic designer.

you know how sometimes doctors dont listen to you,

 when you have a problem that's hard to explain?

like, if your stomach hurts only when you leave the house,

and you know its more than just nerves, but thats all the doctor says it is?

well i wanna be the doctor that listens, because i think i can be.

i figured out what was wrong with Nick the other day

and he said it would be a good idea.

its a lot of school...like a LOT... but i think i can..

we will see :)

beast mode on this answer.

i'm smart :)

my horoscope;

You may find yourself getting sidetracked by all sorts of weird people or thoughts today -- so don't worry too much about getting all your work done. You may encounter a new idea that works well for you.

pshh, tell me about it..

i had the most horrible dream last night ever..

so now everything is botthering me.

again.

i wish all this stuff would just stop,

all of these girls...

and my jealousy...

i've  been deprived from Nicko for so long,

and its really starting to bother me alot

and i know he hates it

he always says i'm complaining...and i am

not on purpous, cuz i dont like it..

there's just things i dont understand

and i want to know, so i ask

and i get frustrated if i dont get a straight answer

i'm one of those people who need an explanation

because if i dont get one, i'll assume the worst.

i stopped assuming the best because i was always wrong when i did that.

and i would rather be right than have my hopes shot down.

see the ring lookin thing? nick gave me it :)
because it's special to him, cuz for some reason
since he was little, he could never lost it :)
♥

Poem - Untitled 7

should i stop hoping?
or maybe stop trying,
not sure what is the word,
but i should, because i'm so not little anymore.

maybe i shouldnt be so sensitive,
things aren't fair for me,
but since there is a chance that they could be,
should i not try?

i get scared and worried,
frustrated and mad and sad
and never know how to let it out
because i dont even know where i am
but i guess it can be okay to cry
for it is not my downfall,
only a waterfall
those can possess beauty,
and maybe so do i

and if i give up, i may never know
but what should i do?
it's never my way, no matter what
and i cant be walked over for my whole life,
i need to get up and take charge,
but i cant..

i cant tell you what to do
in my mind, you are still older than me
so i have to do what you say
and since i care what you think..
i cant be so mean...
and i cant say threats like
"do this or i will leave"
for the fear that you might just let me go
and it not harm you any..
and that would hurt me the most...

:( i dont know if i can do it...

i've never really been confident...at all...with anything. i try so hard to hide it but i stopped hiding. all of my insecurities are out in the open and pointed out at me every day. i hate it.. even a 13 year old can hurt my feelings and i'm almost grown. i am almost 18 years old and a child can hurt me. i am too sensitive...i always have been...and i despise it. one of the things i hate about myself the most. 

people always tell me that i'm pretty and nick tells me all the time, i believe that they do think that, i know he does at least...sometimes its hard to tell if people are saying it because they want me to edit something or help them out or if they actually think i am pretty. but no matter how much they tell me i still dont see myself as pretty. i think i look ok on some days and i try to act confident but it sucks that i have to act...i want to really be able to think im pretty without doubting myself.

i even look like a kid. i hate it, its so embarrassing...i wish i just looked like i want to look..if my nose was pointed a little and my eyes were a little bigger at least...i wish i had thinner lips so i can make kissy faces in pictures without looking fat. lighter eyes so they stand out with my black hair and dark skin and thinner eyebrows so i looked more feminine..at least have both of my lips the same color. i mean, i really am not happy with the way i look or feel about myself, i wish i was but i dont know how to be and it sucks...

he said if i cant get over my insecurities then im gonna have to get over him...

i dont know what to do :( what if i cant do it...thats the scary realness about this is that i might never be happy with myself or confident about my looks, but i dont want to lost him no doubt i dont. i just really hope i can get confident i just really need him to be patient..this could take a while..

[i think im going to break my own heart]

i love this song sooo much!!