i couldn't fall asleep last night  so now im tired 

i only slept for about an hour and had a realy random dream

then a really stupid bad dream  grr... makes me mad >_<

ever since yesterday i keep thinking about how i wanna play Harvest Moon on  and how i so badly want to eat this taco salad

it looks so good~!!

ahh  why can't mami make them again

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so i had a project due on wednesday

but i was lost on it  so i had to turn it in late >_<

i hate being late!!  ugh!!! so much!!

it was for government class

for my project i did a 2 page paper on the electoral college and a poster about it

it turned out great !

 for my project  

 cut out 51 little white rectangles

 labled them by state in either red or blue depending on thier political party

 drew the amount of representatives in each little square

 i think im going to ACE it

ugh thank God that teacher likes me or i would have never got the extension and failed

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 so nicko and i have been having a lot of deep talks lately...

we have been talking about some things that i have been touchy with/don't really like to talk about

i'm starting to get more comfortable with saying whats on my mind now...

usually i just say nothing and leave it at that but i'm starting to say more now

i'm glad that we are talking about some of these things,

i can get them off my chest and its easier because he's the one bringing them up into conversation so i not as nervous...

sometimes i go to bed feeling a little sad, but its all worth it

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 i got a notice in my mailbox yesterday,

 my card from rabbito-chan is finaly here

the bad news is...i wasn't here when the UPS was at my  ...

 i was so sad ~ ~

if i don't get it in the mail today, i will go to the post office

 i am very excited

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might blog later...ttyl~

:D

i just got a credit ^_^
i finished one of my online classes!
yay me! :D okay... be back later :D

i look cute? ya?

i decided to wear a polo and navy cardigan today...just for a change

and i pinned my hair out of my face instead of swooping...

i kinda like it, but not for every day

hopefully i will get my hair cut soon and get bangs again :)

i need a trim...my dead ends are getting worse >.<

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i've gotten way into choreographing lately...

i used to help my mom choreograph all the time and starting to dance again is making me do it again myself

i remember making up dances and my mom would teach them to the whole class

they didn't know i made the dance...they just said it was good

it wasnt an all the time thing,

but i was so proud of myself when i did it

because they were doing my dance,

and it looked awesome...

i forgot how happy dancing made me because i stopped for so long, i remember now how much i love it

how good it made me to feel to look back at the mirror and see yourself moving with the rest of the group, looking good and feeling great, the burst of energy, adrenaline and fun...

and of course, the music ♥

i've got 2 hip hop dances i'm creating myself, both half done

one is by U-KISS and one by Far East Movement

then 1 interpretive/modern dance

to a song by Ekhymosis

i enjoy this... if i could make it a career, i definately would

i's amazing

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last night was so...ugh :(

ended up getting really emotional

i was confused, mad...just so many things

i really wish my life could be together like it used to be

i wish i could forget what it was like to have my parents married

if i didn't remember, i wouldnt be hurt...

that's why my sister isn't hurt, she was a baby...

i miss having papi there to always help me and both parents to watch me do things or do them with me

it's like...i feels like it's wierd to be happy because of it

i am scared of being happy...but i didn't know that this was part of the reason why until last night

i thought it was because of relationships...

because before nick, it was as if whenever i was happy, that's when things go wrong and then life shows you that you're not supposed to be happy and that you don't deserve it

it even happened with me and him...we were so excited for summer, then got grounded, then i went to texas, then he went to st.louis and came back with IBS :(

it makes me think that God hates me again or something,

"the world is a cruel place, but we're here, only to lose...

so before life tears us apart let, death bless me, with you.."
from Join Me in Death by HIM

life is hard...but i'm glad nick is still here for me
i have alot of problems and sometimes not even all there

so regardless of how bad life gets...i can still consider myself lucky

last night he said

"i'm trying my best to be everything you don't have right now"

i appreciate him so much... you'd think after a year and a half i'd be used to it but i'm still not used to someone caring so much about me like this... which is probably a good thing because then i wont ever think about taking it for granted, i never would anyhow

i love him more than anything...

will post later... byebye

ugh :(

 well you know how i said i was just gonna be happy?

well... its way harder than it looks apparently..

and i can't do it :(

i think about things way way too much
and everything is bothering me
it's very distracting...
project due today and another in a couple of days
i have to talk in front of class next monday
not excited...
oh and have to go to the doctor too
....i just wanna go back to dance class
no worries there...just fast learning, movement, music and fun
when my b-day comes around i'm gonna use the money i get to by a new class card so i can keep going after the 8 weeks is up ^_^ i don't wanna wait till next week
in fact...if i have enough money on my b-day i'll sign up for 2 classes a week instead :D
my b-day is also a month from yesterday
i hope it is good like it was last year...

i got on twitter online for the first time in a while

and looked at all my old tweets... and me and nicks convos..

we used to see eachother so much :(

it made me sad.. i wish were still able to see eachother like that

i was so much happier then being able to get away from my house and all the people that i can't stand and just be able to be with him and hug him and kiss him and just feel loved... i like that kind of attention alot..

stupid IBS makes me wanna slaughter people..

God please make it go away so i can have my boy back?

beautiful song that is stuck in my head...

This song is Azul by the band Ekhymosis, it is an older Spanish alternative band from Columbia. If you know who Juanes is, he was the lead singer in this band. i love this song...it sounds good when i sing it, i might cover it. i kind of want to do an interpretive dance to it, but there is no one to see it so there is really no point to it besides personal accomplishment.

it's a gorgeous song, if you don't understand it, just put it in google translate to your language...it's very poetic ♥ ahh i love it so much.. care to listen? song and lyrics posted below :)

Hoy quiero que me lleves
Hacia donde esta la luz
En tu caballo blanco
Que galopa por el valle
Del olvido y se va
Tengo tantas ganas de ti
Que regreses por mi cuerpo y
Lentamente me dejes morir
Entra la niebla de tu bosque azul
Entre el mar y el cielo
Slo existes tu
En el aire un beso
Como lagrima que cae
En el olvido y se va
Tengo tantas ganas de.......
Tengo tantas ganas de.......

...one question,

why does soulja boy not finish his words???

i learned some dances to 2 songs by him...First Day of School and Speakers Goin Hammer
fun dances ^_^ i cant wait to learn the next parts of them, i only know half the dance :)

todaima :D jk i wish T^T

ugh i am so sleepy T^T

i meant to update last night, but i forgot >_<

it took me forever to fall asleep and i left my computer on

i got a message from sue on msn so i talked to her for a little until i finally passed out xD

she's from a place in china near taiwan

it sounds really different from her...

she said the girls there dont wear alot of makeup there

she laughed when i compared some of the girls here to ganguro girls xD

some of them really do look like that though...

and i'm not sure if there is a good way xD

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don't i just look so cute hugging my pillow?

yeah.... i didn't wanna wake up -.-

i woke up finally, i drank some smoothie and i finally woke up a few minutes ago

i really wana go back to sleep >_<

last night me and nick were giggling on the phone

it was a reminiscing conversation

i liked it ^_^ very cute

i was so hyper last night xD

dancing makes me have a really good mood!

and for some reason wierd noises make me excited??

 i start to laugh uncontrollably xD

it is horrible..

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i manned up and went to my dance class yesterday! it was so much fun ^_^ this is only the second time i have ever tried hip hop dance and the first real class... it was so different @_@ i am used to taking ballet classes and hip hop is the total opposite!! in ballet...you learn terms, everything is slow, you learn all the positions and then a dance about a month later. in hip hop, you go in, you stretch and he starts dancing and you copy him and try to keep up D: the only similarity between ballet and hip hop is that you stretch at the beginning and end and there's a mirror in the room! ahh! i was so frustrated at first and i was barely getting it because it was so different of a class for me, plus it was my first dance class in almost 3 years! xD when i introduced myself to the teacher, he said was impressed with me because i caught on so fast and thinks i'll be really good in a couple weeks :) and he's already talking about auditions @_@ oh gosh xD i'm excited :D i cant wait till next week!

happy late new year!

well...christmas break didn't exactly go as planned... well at least mt  dad came up here, so that's good. but everything else...i've just been :/ well.. just no. lol, i don't know how to describe it, i've been mad and jealous :( i might rant on my private blog later...which i have actually had for a long time but i totally forgot about it. i actually made it last fall... so far no one can read it except me though, it might stay that way, idk..

i'm so extrememly tired...icky and i feel sick :(

this picture has no color effects or re-touching at all

you can see how pale i look and how red my eyes are

i feel so gross :(

i haven't talked to anyone at school, i'm so tired

everyone keeps staring at me like i'm an alien

probably cuz i dyed my hair haha i forgot that i did

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i don't really know what to blog about... just not really in a blogging mood :/

i have my first dance class in a while today

and school sucks so far, i'm freezing @_@

all i can say is that i am extremely tired and i want to go home

i miss you :(

i talk to you all day long. on the phone, somethimes the computer too. i can't go a day without talking to you, or i feel wrong, like something is missing.. it hurts me, alot.. you make me happy. you've got a really sweet personality and your randomness makes me confused but want to hug you at the same time. i love when you make faces at me on webcam, and how your new laptop automatically zooms up on your nipple when your shirt is off. xD its hilarious. i love how you say i love you an average of every 13 minutes and how you yell "KITTAY!" whenever i start staring off into space and get lost out of the conversation. i think its cute how every time i say "whats up" it takes you 10 minutes to answer and all you say is "huh?" and i love putting your randomness as my facebook statuses. i love hearing your voice and how you spontaneously burst into song.

i can hear you

i can see you

i can feel you

but there is one thing missing,

i can not touch you..

i'm happy, you're right...i'm happy to have you, i'm happy that you're mine, i'm happy that you make me happy...but i never get to see you, up close, in person; no kisses or hugs.. i want to kiss you and touch your face, i want to hold your hand, i want to feel your breath on my ear when you whisper to me...everything.. i miss the days where we would see eachother every single day....every day, turned to 3 times a week, that turned into weekends, now...maybe it's once a month..

i'm jealous of anyone who sees you..

i miss everything we used to do together...we used to go to the mall, we used to go to the movies, hang out with people, go to parties, out to eat...i never really did those things with anyone else, only you. we used to hang out every single little chance we got, and i still try, but it's never a yes.. i have had alot of patience with you...we've been through alot with eachother, sometimes i was scared i would lose you and sometimes i even wanted to leave, sometimes it took everything in me to hold myself together, but being able to see you made it so much easier. because when something bad happened, you would come here or have me over there, we would walk to meet half way and you would hold me and reassure me that everything would be okay. now, everything hits harder. i'm more sensitive than i was.. i'm always worried that you're trying to get away from me or you hate me or something, even though i know its not true i always get scared now because i can't come see you. you only live a few streets over.. i remember when we were first dating, i was scared to hang out with you all the time, i wanted to see you every day, but i didn't think i could. one day you told me, that if i ever wanted you to come over to just say "bitch come over!" and that you would be there. i wish that still worked, although i would never call you that...

i pray every day and night that your IBS would go away, but it justs seems to get worse.. this syndrome has broken my heart more than agatha ever did... and you know that means it's bad.. your stomach has taken  you away from me.. we can't even go to church together. i can't even stay at your house all day like we used to, because even i make you sick now. if there was a way, i would kill it and take it away. i would cure it and make you better then you can be mine again right? so we can do everything we used to do and then you can take me to prom and we can go on vacation together or the festival! or at least grocery shopping! i wish it was that easy...baby, i'm going crazy.. i try so hard to keep my cool but i miss you so much and it hurts so bad. you know how vivid my memory is, long term...i remember everything, every look, sound, feeling...but memories arent vivid enough to feel a physical touch.. you're my sanity, my lover, my best friend...my everything.

i just need you to hold me..

uh...umm..

i cannot express my true feelings on here... unless in the form of a song or poem, but that is not raw. it leaves out parts and keeps you pressed away by symbolism that only people close to me would possible understand.

you see, all of my feelings are strong.

whether it is happiness or sadness, particularly rage, they are all in depth, immense, and currently...suppressed. they are condensed about to the point of eruption.

after a while, i don't think i'll be able to take it. but...i do not want to explode.. in the past year and a half, i haven't.. but i almost did about a month ago. because i hold in all of my feelings, i'm even more sensitive than i used to me, which is bad..

my heart has been through alot.. and i have a strong heart, and every punch thrown, i can take it...but they still hurt. and my bruises never show, so nobody knows but me.

sometimes i scare myself with the way i feel...i have to try really hard to keep myself under control, i hate to say things i don't mean.. or things that i don't know if i mean..

this blog is fun to me...it's me, but its not as much my feelings anymore..

which is the reason i created this blog in the first place, for my writing...my writing is my feelings

but i stopped posting all of my poems.. i didn't want any reactions that i didn't want.. and no one ever reads those anyway.

i'm still going to have this as my main blog, but i think i will make a separate blog so i can write out my feelings...it will be a private, invite only blog. not public. maybe..

i don't know.

bottom line is, i've got a hell of alot on my mind.

c h r i s t m a s ~

this was me on christmas :)

my i was all red and green-y :D

here's some of the stuff i got for christmas! :D

i got a new phone finally! with a new cell carrier

i can now send international texts and use mobile web ^_^

hehehe...i like it alot :]

 also, my dad came up here with his gf, she's really nice and her name is Mierna. she gave me this ladybug ring :) i love it...kinda vintage looking ^_^ <3 and my dad got me my phone as well..

my mom got me these pants for christmas :D

they're spandex ^_^ nick would like them...a little too much xD

they're beyond form fitting i must say >_>

but they are very comfortable :D

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well that's about all for now :)

probably more wordy posts later....

as i am needing to vent some anger lol

j  a  h  a  n  e ♥

have a berry merry christmas ^_^

better pic of my hair :)

believe it or not, the only re-touching i did was to darken my skin and made the bg lighter.

everything else is natural :D

i feel so much more confident with my black hair back...it makes my acne show up less and my eyes brighter :)

it makes me want to wear more colorful clothes now that my hair has no color...

i wanna go shopping :D

dying my hair :D

taken last night during the process xD

and now after! i love it ^_^

will post better pictures of it soon.

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well i am confused :|

i can't doodle for some reason :/

i was kinda sad when nick told me that people were like picking on him because of them...

so i untagged him from the pictures on FB and hid the album from all his friends

hopefully that helps :/

i was afraid that would happen...

i wasn't thinking of it as a childish thing...more of just creative :/ when i get inspired i take it out on art, i just wanted to make drawings that were as cute as we are

:( i wont post anymore on facebook though......just on here and maybe deviantART if i ever get back on xD

i feel bad now :/ they probably arent gonna leave him alone about it...

ugh :( i always mess up somehow

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my ID picture turned out really ugly xD

its really unfortunate lol

the first pic was good, but i wanted to retake cuz i smiled too big and my gums were showing but at the last minute my mom said "put your head up" and now i look like i have a giant fat chin :(

>_< and she wonders why i never listen to her hahah

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i had the wiiiieeeeerdest dream lastnight

i swear i felt like i was on drugs or something....

it was a bad dream, but it was kind of funny in a really disturbing way because of how ridiculous it was

i really don't know how i feel about that dream @_@

so wierd...and awkward...and what not you know? eeek....

yeah im gonna stop thinking about that now xD

i'll post some better pics of my hair in a bit ^_^

ttyl, gonna make food and take a couple pictures :)

short upddate / tag

short update:

 going to renew my military ID today

 re-dying my hair to black

 me and nicko had a "who's gonna get more sick today" battle this morning xD

 i fell off the bed and was too lazy to get up...lol

i did not want to wake up this morning -_-

 also been having a lot of bad dreams lately :/ they stopped for a while...but now they came back and i'm going crazy >_< they make me think about things and want to be mean. i even realized something that i didn't realize before and now i am FURIOUS!!!! i want to be good and nice :( no going off >_< bad bad bad!!!

 also just found out my dad is coming here from christmas..........with his new girlfriend :\........

stole this tag from KenKen :)

1. Why did you create this blog?
i made it solely for my writing. i thought of the title "Sincerely, Berry" since my writing is about my feelings, and my poems are like letters to the people or situation that they are about. then i started posting my photography, then pictures of me, then my blog evolved into a whole personal site along with all of my art. then i started following rabbito and some of the links she posted that got me into pixelling and adoptables and now i just do everything haha.

2. What kind of blogs do you follow?
personal, fashion, art and a couple of lolitas. mostly foreign, i only follow a couple of american blogs.

3. Favourite makeup brand?
hmm hmm hmm....um covergirl or kiss
i havent tried many brands though

4. Favourite clothing brand?
Ironfist or lip service...cant afford either one xD

5. Your indespensible makeup product:
eyeliner or mascara

6. Your favourite colour:
purple and green ^_^ a certain shade of blueish purple.

7. Your perfume:
I'm all out :(

8. Your favourite film:
Sleepy Hollow, maybe... Sherlock Holmes too :) both are good just different..

9. What country would you like to visit and why?
ahhhh Finland!!! its so pretty there ^_^ and my favorite band is from there...one of my old twitter friends saw Ville Valo just chillin outside of a coffee shop...i wanna meet him too :( he's my #2 biggest inspiration! was #1 till Nicko came around ;) love that boy ♥

10. Make the last question yourself and answer: What is one thing you're looking forward to in the near future?
the 30th is me and Nicko's 1 year and 6 month anniversary! i am very happy and excited :) we're also planning our oldschool date ♥ i hope we can do that for our anni :) either way, cant wait!

tag to anyone who reads this :)

gift from rabbito chan :D

she doodled me back  :D

For Rabbito :)

hope you like it ♥

today...

not so wordy, but just pics :)

christmas cookies i got at church today! really good with coffee :)
on my plate:
reese cup cookie - chocolate m&m pretzels - choco chip cookie - chocolate cookie - peanut butter kiss cookie - gingerbread man

went to the habachi grill! drinkin rootbeer :)

clear soup ♥

salad w/ ginger dressing

**habachi shrimp | fried rice | veggiez**
yummm~

green tea ice cream ♥

sorry i not in a very posty mood :( not a bad mood, just not posty :) will blog tomaro <33

♥