a selfish wish..

i wish i had a bestfriend.

its selfish but it's true...

i do have best friends, but my best friends have best friends

like there are people who have more than one best friend, but even then there's always one who they hang out with and talk to the most...you know what i mean?

well i dont really have that...

i'm best friends with people,

but im no ones bestfriend

am i not good enough to be a bestfriend anymore?

i used to have bestfriends...

but they're all different now

they hardly talk to me now

i miss being the first person they'd come to

if they needed to talk

if they needed a hug

if they needed advice

if they didnt want to be alone

if they needed anything at all

but i dont seem to be that now,

im always one of the best friends not the bestfriend

the second best or third best

the one who they talk to but dont always want to see

the one that has some things in common but not everything

the one they'll call if their mad at thier bestfriend

but who do i call?

this came up because i was looking at old pictures. i saw a picture of me and my old bestfriend. and my other old bestfriends. then i saw them and thier best friends, and other people with thier bestfriends. then i thought to myself... "where is my bestfriend?" i have a bestfriend but i am no one's bestfriend...i dont feel unwanted or unloved, its just a selfish desire...because of what i used to be..

but at the same time...

people used to fight over me...when i had bestfriends, they would all not get along in some way. whether it was envy or jealousy or anything else, they would dislike eachother and wouldnt be around eachother. they would argue about who put eachother first even though they were all number one.

i had 3 bestfriends

one was like a twin, one was a big sister and one was a little sister

just like in a family each one i went to for different things but they all meant the same

they all drifted off onto different things, different people

and one even turned against me...

i consider this post offencive but honest and im sorry to those who have read this and hurt. i do realize how selfish this is and now the whole world knows, but i cant help the way i feel...