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Thursday, July 22

he's hurting.. and its breaking my heart...

i love him so much, its so crazy. he calls me everyday and it makes me so happy, he left me a voicemail yesterday morning that made my heart flutter. his voice calms me down and his giggle makes me want to cuddle him.. but im so far away.. and cant cuddle him right now.. 
last night we were on the phone after i was home from six flags, i knew he was upset and i didnt know why. i think for a second there he didnt trust me...i talked him out of it eventually.
thats the first time really that i had to reassure him,
usually he's the one having to reassure me.
when he said he'd heard people say "nothing happened" but things really did, i think he thought thats what i was doing. i wont lie to him. its like my whole stomach dropped and i was shocked, speechless for a second and almost wanted to cry... is that how he feels when i get like that? i think i know how it feels now.. its a bad feeling.. there was a time when i didnt trust him and when i told him i could hear the sadness in his voice and it broke me.. i felt so horrible, i didnt have a reason not to trust him he had shown me that i could, this must be how he felt that day... i'm so sorry he had to feel that :( 
its 3 in the morning, and i cant sleep. we went to sleep together, like at the same time.. i love doing that with him its so sweet and thoughtful and really makes me happy... but something happened today that scared me a little bit and it kind of hit me hard because i would have never expected it..
its a fact that we miss eachother alot. more than alot, more than anyone.. i miss him more than anyone i know, and he's the one i've seen most recently, we're not supposed to be away from eachother this long, he said it and i agree.
nick was upset because of me being out places.. all he does is talk to me, and its all he wants to do is stay close to me and hear my voice, and i want the same.. he doesnt hang out with a bunch of people all the time anymore and doesnt even have a cellphone, and doesnt care to even get it back because he doesnt really need it now. i'm on vacation at my dads, so i've been going shopping and to amusement parks and things, and it is unfair for me to be out here going everywhere and he's not really doing anything. i dont mean to be out all the time and he did say he thinks he got over-jealous.. i said i was sorry but he said i didnt do anything.
i wanted to cheer him up and tell him everything will be okay, just because people have lied to you in the past you cant put that on me and think i'll be the same way. i'm not everyone else, and niether is he. he's nicholas and i'm asberry. when we started dating i wiped the slate clean. i left everything that was the past to be whatever they did, but i didnt expect him to be like the people from my past. it would only lead to me being super scared and nervous, so i dont compare him against other people  and i want him to do the same thing for me..
i was scared and sad.. i didnt know what to do, i told him how much i love him and how serious this is to me, and i miss him so much, ...i started crying and i didnt mean to
what scared me..
                   was that he did too..
i never thought i would hear that.. he never cries, he doesnt even believe in crying, and he just shed tears.. i never thought there was any way that he could hurt so bad that he actually cried. even though it was only a little its just so sad, the thought of him crying just breaks my heart.. that my baby, i never want to see him hurt. the sadness in his voice this past week has sounded miserable, i love him so much and we're both so sad.. he's been trying to hide how bout he's hurt but sometimes it would come out and he would sound so sad.. today i realized how bad he missed me.. i knew it was alot but i didnt know it was that unbearable for him :(
i have cried a few days in a row, because sometimes i have these dreams where i spend entire days with him and go to sleep with him, then when i wake up and open my eyes he's not next to me and it crushes me... because i didnt want to wake up hugging my pillow, i wanted to wake up huddled to his chest, and warm, and look into those beautiful star-burst eyes and have him smile at me :( it kills me
as most girls, i thought boys didnt have as many emotions as girls do, but in reality, most boys just wont let themselves get close enough to a girl to be able to show them.
i love him, he loves me
i miss him, he misses me
i cry over him, he cried over me
i get hurt, he hurts too..
i love him and i cant wait to come home.. i have about a week left here, i'll be home next weekend
and he'll be there waiting for me..
i have gifts to give him and we're supposed to go out to dinner, im excited
i want to see him so bad.. its almost been a month
i had one of those dreams.. that why i'm awake
im probably gonna go cuddle my pillow and cry a little more to be completely honest..

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