describing me.
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Friday, March 11

pray for japan!

they got hit by a tsunami i found out this morning :(
a blogger i follow (kelly konomi from Pearly n Kelly) is in Japan right now i think and she's the first person i thought of...i hope she's okay and i hope everyone else is too :( continue to pray pray pray~~~

s u p e r c u t i e < 3 3

this morning i had a really sweet feeling ~~~
i was happy because i mostly slept very well ~
but i also woke up late >_<
plus it was out of uniform day~~ 
so had to rush to find a dollar~~~
then i was about to run to the bus and i saw my phone had a message, i briefly saw that it said "tsunami in japan" and i was likt O_O oh god
but 2 seconds later my phone rand and it was my nickobaby,
i thought he called by accident, but i still answered anyway
(bcoz i am amused by the sounds you hear when people butt-call you xD)
but i said "hello" and got back a solemn "hey"
and i was so excited and happy!
he called me on purpose :)
i love hearing his voice in the morning ^^
he's got the absolute cutest half sleep voice in the whole universe!
even baby alien kitties wouldnt sound so cute~~!
we talked for the maybe 7 minutes before my bus came
and then we texted and had cute convos :)
i said i wanted to snuggle him all day and he said:
Haha i would like that baby ur so beautiful and you fit so perfect in my arms it feels so right. ur skin is so smooth and soft and you always smell good   so you can snuggle me as long as you want"
and then we both had wow moments and went crazy with the cuteness!
he even said "glameep" which is a word we made up to describe our happyer-than-happy-ness over a year and a half ago now...i was so happy <33 i love him so much :)
just a sweet moment for the morning :)

maybe smart isn't the word...

after a long discussion with the boy last night, i realized how smart i am. if you can call it smart...maybe it is more understanding. for some reason i can easily figure out even complex psychological issues, figure out the cause and effect and how to handle them. it's like i have the ability to disect people and break them into parts...then understand each part. i observe things so closely on people that it's sometimes hard for them to tell me something i don't already know or havent already figured out, its wierd...i think it's a blessing though. i always thought that overthinking and thinking quickly, over examining and paying too close attention to detail was one of my flaws, but being that way has actually saved my life before and a few friendships. i never go with my first instinct, i'll tell you that.
when you look at me and look at my grades, i don't look smart. the way i act, you can tell i'm creative but you can't be sure that i know anything entirely useful. but in reality, i have miles piled high of facts, opinions and information that most people don't notice but probably should about me, themselves, thier environment and thier habits. and i remember everything and almost never forget, so i'm almost like an encyclopedia of people that i know and are/have been interested/fascinated with or hate or even just people i hear talking behind me.
for example:
in study hall for the first half of the year, these 2 girls sat behind me. one was blond and one was brunette. they dont talk much to anyone but eachother and i don't talk at all so i could hear them over my typing. over the course of the semester i learned thier favorite colors, that they both prefered khaki uniform pants over the navy or black ones; the brunette likes to read while the blonde loves music and is in 2 art classes which she loves but doesnt think she's good. and the reader likes to read but not to write. the blonde's favorite band is avenged sevenfold and she for some reason hates her butt, and they both are self consious (but they shouldnt be).
another time in the same semester as i had to rotate seats, a group of boys were talking behind me as i minded my own business. i found out that he cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend, had sex with her and got her pregnant, they have a name for the baby already and she wants to abort it but he does not. he wants his girlfriend to take him back, speaking beforehand because he and the friend were hiding the pregnancy which is why she wanted to abort it, but he wont allow it and had been spending prolonged visits with her and his girlfriend that doesnt know about it to prevent the friend from going to a clinic. i never investigated further because i got my seat changed.
i noticed that one of my math teachers my freshman year actually had a speach impediment. after every few words he would make a nasaly "hmm" noise and twitch his nose. he was pigeontoed only on his right leg and i knew he had a bad temper or a quick temper because the speach impediment only occurred when certain people spoke or if the room got too noisy, which means the speech impediment was really a stress reaction. one eye was a lighter green than the other and the lighter one was lazy and i noticed his eyelids were 2 different sizes suggesting eye surgeries being the reazon for the eye looking lazy. i found out he had 4 surgeries early in the year after he told us we were going to have a sub for 2 weeks as he was going to have another one, then over heard him talking with the nurse who was holding his anxiety medication and saw her take his blood pressure. that saying, i was correct about everything. 
i could list tons of examples, i just pay alot of attention for some reason and just honestly dont mean to.
it helped me sort of understand why i freak out easily.
when something bad happens, i seem okay for maybe  a second, then after about 2 1/2 seconds i have already processed everything that comes to my mind, it's rediculous.
in 2 1/2 seconds this is how it goes in my brain:

  1. re-recite what the person just said
  2. analyze and self discuss statement and search
  3. gather data and memories pertaining or relating to (subject being)
  4. sort through, organize and set out all relevant articles
  5. replay all memories for further understanding
  6. attempt to produce an explanation for the statement
that is how fast my mind works and why i freak out so easily, but it also makes me very happy very easily (which falls under the term freaking out, but its a good way). this mind set is what causes my sudden moodswings and how i can go from being the happiest person in the world from nearly wanting to cry.
but i do have the ability to change modes, such as a multiple personality except it is under my complete control. i have a therapist mode. i call it this because it reminds me of how a therapist should be. in this mode, even things that bother me to no end are no longer my issue, i always think positive and give feedback, opinions, constructive critisism when needed, advice and always a pick-me-up. i'm friendly so even people i don't know well are fine to vent to me, and i'm trustworthy so they know thier secrets are safe with me, which is one of the reasons people have said i am a really good friend.
i'm not sure what you call this...am i smart? maybe just understanding? wierd...strange...sweet or intelligent? i don't really know how to describe it.

maybe in college i'll do a double major... art and psychology
who knows

Thursday, March 10

update on my interests:

status: taken and getting happier every day
favorite colors: purple, green
favorite band: HIM
hobbies: dancing, blogging, drawing, photoshop, pokemon emulators, writing
favorite flower: lily
favorite consanent: z
favorite vowel: i
favorite weather: warm and rainy
favorite drink: rootbeer \ cream soda
favorite coffee: french vanilla latte from walgreens
favorite snack: chocolate covered pretzels \ doritos
favorite candy: m&ms, cookies & cream bars
favorite ice cream: coffee (actually always been the best but just had it for the first time in a long while. it's amazing!)
favorite language: finnish
favorite anime: Beck \ Hidamari Sketch
favorite gesture: head tilted to the side
after highschool plan: doing 2 six month certificate programs online then attempting to get into DAAP at University of Cincinnati

anything you'd like to know, ask :)
feel free to copy this

aeri is reading!

a rare sight to behold!
its for school...i hate to read =.=
books anyway...i like blogs :)
i'm reading paper towns...any one else read it? i'd love feedback
so far i'm bored with it, the only part i kinda like is that the narrator talks like me.
i had a dream last night o_o
it wasn't bad though
me and nick were in an interview with some lady and she was asking us about our relationship
she asked: how long we'd been together, whats the hardest thing we'd been through together, how life was going, how we met, how we keep our relationship going, what something special between us, how did we know we were right for eachother, how we met and stuff like that
during the beginning i got the hiccups (and i sound like a dying toad xD) and scotty was laughing at me :( it was kinda cute though lol
we were married in the dream, we had wedding bands on and we looked about 23 i guess
well, nick looked 23 and i looked about 16 lol my fountain of youth curse =.= thanks puerto rico haha
i think she was interviewing for a website because there was a url on her business card she handed to nick before the interview but it was blurred in the dream so idk what it was
we were all drinking hot coffees and there were apple danishes on the plates on the end tables
i'm pretty sure she was interviewing us in our house/apartment because i saw my "souls entwined" painting in the background and the curtains were lavender but the walls were burnt orange...sounds odd but looks really nice. we had beige couches and we were sitting on a love seat and she looked to be on a dining table
if we have all that maybe we were 25...hmm not sure
but we sure did look nice :)
nick had on his glasses and hair in a ponytail with a button up and khaki slacks
i was wearing a beige dress with a cut off black cardigan with flowers on it and black shoes, the lady had a navy suit and shoes with long blond hair that curled at the ends. she looked like this girl julia that was in my ballet class when i was little, she was mean to me though so hopefully it wasnt lol
it was a nice dream :) 
i need to finish 2 chapters and i have only 2 bells to do so O_O
i will be back! xoxo, aeribaby <333

Wednesday, March 9

real friends

[[caution:lengthy post!]]
this is sort of a reply to nick's post. i know i do say alot that i don't have friends. in my eyes, i dont. maybe you guys will understand better if i explain what a friend is to me...i'm really picky about it.

i have my own qualifications for who i call my friends.
if they are at school:

  • i can talk to them easily and dont feel uncomfortable
  • i could hang out with them if i wanted to and they wont ditch me
  • they wont bring me around negative influences
  • they like computers, anime, games, dancing etc...have things in common
  • dont think i'm wierd
  • will actually listen to me when i talk
  • say sorry when they offend and forgive if i offend
if they are online:
  • easy and fun to talk to without discomfort
  • trust them not to do anything they know i wouldnt like
  • have things in common
  • don't think i'm wierd
  • say sorry if they offend and forgive if i offend
for me...i have alot of aquaintences. just people that i know. there are alot of people that i used to talk to all the time, that i actually called friends at one point.
what ends a friendship for me:
  • if you don't say sorry when you wrong me
  • randomly stop talking to me and dont tell me why
  • just mean and rude all the time (i get away from that fast)
  • push me away ....and i always catch on
  • betray me
  • do something you know will hurt me even if i ask you not to
alot of my friendships are very short for me because of that. i have a few people that i consider friends. in real life, Nick is my best friend (obvious) then i have Katlin, Kelsey and Abby. that's about it for friends. i only talk to Kelsie and Katlin at lunch and Abby in the hallway and she texts me sometimes. online i have Rabbito, my best online friend and Joee, i consider all of my bloggies as my friends though. we automatically have something in common...a blog.
nick is right, its natural for someone to want to be around other people. i get lonely...i'm always pretty lonely. i pushed away alot of my old friends, some of them because i was done being treated bad, tired of being walked on, they lied to me and some of them was just simply because they were boys...sounds harsh but it's true. and now, i dont even want to be around people anymore...i've gotten so used to being by myself that i've almost completely lost all of my desire to be around people. to be honest, i'm really only comfortable being around nick's friends now...partially because when i stopped hanging out with my old friends, he always had me hanging out with his. and since they were actually nice to me and treated me like i was a person, i liked being around all of them together. of course i would never hang out with them or talk to them without nicko coz those are his friends (even though he always said 'theyre ur friends too') but it was still cool to hang out with them.
he asked me this question one time: are you one of those girls that think all girls are stupid and only have guy friends? the answer is no. of course before i knew nick and for the beginning part of our relationship i had alot of guy friends, but it wasnt because i thought girls were stupid...that's like calling myself stupid. i had girl friends, but they were really flaky, they would always randomly stop talking to me, try to mess up my relationships and act different towards me as soon as they got in a relationship with someone even if i'm the one that helped them get it. and sometimes it made me feel used because some girls  would only be my friend so i would get them with one of my guy friends. there was alot of times where i made friends with the girl friends of my guy friends and usually we got along really well, and it always made the girls feel better because they knew i wouldnt be in thier way. but usually, it didn't work the other way around. when i had girl friends they wouldnt bring thier guy friends around me in fear that they would like me, or they would bring thier boyfriend around me saying that they want us all to be friends and then i befriend them and the girl gets mad. and especially with my old lesbian friends...they would never bring thier girl around me.
i don't like boys or girls better than one or another. i prefer to have girl friends, i always have and that's never changed. ever since i was little i always had boy friends, but i always wanted to be with the girls and be thier friend. but for some reason i couldnt stay friends with a girl, they always ran away. the boys usually stuck around. one of the best friends i ever had was a boy. his name was marquis, he did everything a girl friend would do, including dancing around in a skirt. we called eachother when we were sad and hung out every two weeks and when i was happy he was the first person i would tell and he was always happy for me. i made him his first birthday cake for his 16th birthday and his family knew me. he called me his little sister and i called him my big brother. i honestly cant think of even 1 thing that he did that was mean to me in the whole 4 1/2 years we were friends. but we drifted apart now and don't talk.
now that i think of it, almost all of my favorite best friends were boys. there are 3 girls that i could call my favorite, but only one actually made up for what they did. the others ran from the problem. Alix was my best friend for about 9 years, we still talk sometimes. there are so many good memories with her, some bad though, but still alot of good. my first best friend ever was Billy Lowry. he was about 5 years older than me, i was 5 and he was 10, but we were always together. i would go next door to play with the dogs or his birds, or we'd play playstation, skateboard or garden and search for dead moles and roly polies. when he was 15 he stopped talking to me as much...i was 10, he was in highschool, embarrassed of being friends with someone so young i guess. my first school best friend , was Joey. and we were friends from 1st grade to 5th. he was so wierd lol just as wierd as i was. we always drew together and talked about dragonball z. there was some really close moments too with this wierd symbolism we had with a pebble in the playground. in this one, i was the dramatic one lol. i didn't like him, but i hated when the girls in my class would like him because they would bombard me with questions or try to work with him as a partner for assignments and i was like "no thats my friend!" what did you expect though, i was a little kid. funny how we met too. he was friends with the guy who always picked on me and he for some reason introduced us (guess he knew we'd be friends) and i was swinging from the top of the fire pole and accidently kicked poor joe in the crotch. i didn't know why he was crying about it though, at the time i thought boys and girls had the same lower area. i was a very sheltered child. when our school closed in 5th grade we lost touch. i still called his house and left a message on his birthday though. one time in 8th or 9th grade i found him on myspace, and we had the same profile song and nearly the same layout. we liked all the same music and everything and i was so excited about finding him because he was my best friend so i sent him a message and he replied saying that he hated me and that he wasnt going to tell me why. i'll admit i was pretty hurt by that, considering he was one of my first real friends. turned out it was just a phase though, he doesnt hate me now, and i saw him last summer at a skatepark with my boy. joey's about the same, looks about the same too. we dont talk now, but at least we dont hate eachother. i was good friends with my ex boyfriend tony for a while, i was a freshman in highschool. he was a really really nice guy and a good friend. i met him because he picked up my pencil outside of art class then he was at my locker the next day, turned out he was friends with some of my friends and we started to be friends. then i went to homecoming with my friend kaylaa and he was there, and he asked me to dance, and i was like sure why not. that's the first person i ever danced with. he got me a soda between to songs and we did a conga line and everything. at the end of the night he asked me for my phone number and he was fine with the fact that i only had a house phone -because he did too. we dated for about a month and a half. he was really nice and treated me really nice. he gave me a carnation on sweetest day and everything, walked me to class and carried my books. i thought he was sweet, but i really only liked him as a friend...and i broke up with him, he's one of the only 2 guys i've ever dumped (besides a time that i dont count lol). we bounced back really fast and were totally normal to eachother after we broke up, we never really talked about our relationship because there wasnt much to talk about it, it was nice, no one did anything wrong, we never even kissed. it was good and ended on a good note. so we were fine. and nick is the number one of all of the best friends, you guys that read know why :) he's the perfect friend. he even let me put makeup on him xD
there's a couple of others i could consider mentioning, but i'm not so sure about them anymore, i'm questioning whether they were actually a good friend or not.
the thing was that i just didnt always like girly things, not even much now. i'm not as much girly as i am artsy, but if anything i'm just a dork. when i was little i liked riding bikes, scooters. skateboarding, baseball, kickball, hockey and skating and things like that. but at the same time, my mom pushed Barbies on me and i loved to design and make clothes for them. i liked girly shoes like sailor moon and hamtaro and i liked cute things. but i also thought that dragons and three headed demon dogs were cute...so i dont really know what i mean by that statement lol.
i always chased the boys on the playground because thats what the girls did when they liked a boy. they'd choose one and chase him, i think every one's done that before. there was only one boy i chased that i actually liked and he ended up transferring schools...it was probably my fault xD most of the girls were cute and giggling when they chased a boy, but i chased them with a big stick yelling for them to stop running and stay still. i guess i was doing it wrong...hahaha xD
i remember in fourth grade i had a very short girly phase and one of my boy friends actually told me i was pretty one time, it was wierd because i never got that from boys. i was always wierd or crazy or funny and believe it or not, they said i talked too much, but it was never "pretty." except one time in 3rd grade they all said i looked like a rock star. erik said i looked like "slash's daughter." i didn't know what he meant until i was in 7th grade because i wasnt allowed to listen to non-christian music. therefore i didn't know who Slash was.
sometimes i feel sad that i didn't get to do all the girly little kid stuff. i had 1 girl friend that i saw out of school and she was pushy and mean and i couldnt stand her. if i wanted to do something i had to do by myself, almost everything. i always had tea parties with my grandma. she let me wear her jewelry and big night gowns and put makeup on eachother. then we'd make tea and sandwiches and cake and cookies - pray first, of course - then eat together and talk about things. she would always ask me about my favorite colors and what boys i liked, shows i watched and stuff. she used to watch digimon with me before school too and help me with my homework. i kinda miss those days, i want to have another tea party. after i moved out of her house i had to have them by myself. i bought a whole tea set and still have the teapot, everything else broke in the move. i had a bittersweet childhood let me tell ya haha
sometimes i wish i had real friends, friends that arent just acquaintances. the ones that actually worry about you and what you're up to, to always make sure you're okay. i used to have a few, now i have a couple. and i love them :) but its human to get lonely, he's right. i kinda miss having friends and occasionally i miss my old friends and how things used to be, but i only miss it when i really think about it, that's why i dont. its a nuisance, missing something you'll never get back. so i don't bother with it now. i've got all i need and truely want ♥

am i ugly?! ahh! hungryness, anxiousness, lent and got to see my baby :D

a girl in one of my classes approached me this morning
she said to me "you'd actually be pretty if you actually tried"
my reaction: 
i thought i was trying!!?
i thought i looked okay >_< considering we have uniforms
i thought i didn't look so bad D: ahhh
i cant believe she said that to me...who says that to people!
well, my boyfriend thinks i look pretty..
yesterday when i went to see him, i had no makeup and super mess hair >_<
and we were standing outside and he touched my face right by my eye and down my cheek and looked down at me and said "you have such a pretty face"
i blushed :) xD
i still dont really think i'm pretty but i'm glad he thinks i am :)
i am hungry...super super hungry @_@
and right now i am craving pizza and sour cream & onion chips
and ibc cream soda or jones....
and doritos @_@
i am starving .___. '|l
i am also very anxious for saturday ^_^
our day together ♥
like he said yesterday, he's been keeping his word alot lately
we got on that phrase because we were talking and he compared me to his friend's bat shit crazy gf...
i wasnt mad just because i never liked her and cuz she's nuts, or because i'm not like her, but really i just dont wanna be compared to anybody :\ especially not anyone bad..
yea, there are some things me and her do that may seem similar, but if you think of the reasons i did them and the reasons i became the way i am now, we are not the same at all
she was jealous and crazy and fighty even before they dated,
we never even really argued until we had already been together almost a year, and we still dont necessarilly fight, its more like misunderstandings and we don't scream or yell at eachother
we have a completely different kind of relationship than they do from my prospective
and i like ours :)
the only relationship i've seen that is similar to ours is my friend Kelsey and her boyfriend
okay...me and nick are giving up something for lent
well...we're gonna try xD
i'll give you a hint...its gonna be really hard (no pun intended)
catchin what i'm throwin? ;>_____________> yah..
i either think we're going to completely do it full force or we'll completely fail and give in
(also no pun intended >___< )
we only spoke briefly about it so i dont even know if its a fesherr plan but we'll talk today
i got to see my scottyboo yesterday ^_^
i was happy about that
it totally took me by surprise too, he just said "i wanna hang out"
and i was like yay! cuz i didnt expect it :)
i love how much we've been seeing eachother...
its making me so extremely happy
~~its a super sweet feeling~~
i love how he's been to me...its a little bit different than he used to, but a good different
i'm still not used to it (which is bad since i like the feeling and its been a straight week already)
he always keeps his word now, and always wants to hang out and talk
and we actually hang out like 3 times a week now~~!~!!!
eee! i could definately get used to this :D
♥ ~ xo,aeribaby ~ ♥

Tuesday, March 8

cute dream :)

last night i fell asleep nice and slow. i woke up after having a cute lovey dream :)

it took place in the morning and i wake up outside laying on a blanket and sleeping bag. i felt something warm and looked over and nick was fast asleep holding me. i smiled at him and turned towards him laying down, just looking at him admiring his sleeping face, his perfect facial structure and long eyelashes just smiling in awe of him. i draped my legs over his and got comfortable and we slepts a little longer. this time, he woke up before me and he kissed me and i woke up. my eyes got big as i was surprised and ten we smiled to eachother and hugged and rubbed noses. he said "you wanna eat something?" and i said sure and he got up, then helped me up. "i'll be right back" he said. i waited and just looked around. we were on his back porch. 3 little white butterflies were chasing eachother into the next yard. "i'm back" he said with a smile  and had a big plate of food. there was 2 scrambled eggs with pepper and salt and a cup of coffee for each of us with tons of sugar in a bowl because we like it sweet. "lets eat at the swing" he said so i said alright and  i slipped on my sandles and we walked down to the swing and he lit up a fire in the pit. it was a cool morning. i noticed a bag on his left arm as we sat down "whats that?" i pointed to the bag as i forked a piece of egg in my mouth. he smiled at me and i gave him a confused grin. "s'mores for breakfast?" he said. my eyes lit up and put my arms around his shoulders and kissed him on the cheek, we both giggled and he layed out all of the stuff on the seat between us. we both had our own rods and put the marshmallows on to roast them. we both made two to start out. with big smiles we fed them to eachother at the same time, dropping graham cracker crumbs all over our black shorts. i had marshmallow across my face after he shoved it in my mouth and i didnt know why he was laughing at me until i saw my reflection in his glasses. i pushed him a little and said to stop laughing at me and instead he laughed again, kissed me and licked the marshmallow off my face. we went back in the house after we were done eating and i freshended up in the bathroom. then we went into his room and played dragonball z budokai tenkaichi 3 in versus mode, after we'd dueled 5 times, he won 4, his mom came in and said goodmorning and asked us if we'd already eaten and we said yes and she left. his dogs wandered into the room. lexie licked my arms until i petted her, then i petted gunther when he came in. after a few hours of hanging out, talking and drawing together, his mom called us out for lunch and they had a lot of food laid out getting ready to be cooked. me and nick went swimming and splashed out eachother in the pool until the food was done then we sat down at the table outside, i made sure i got the sunny spot. i had root beer, a met, some ribs and a few other things plus corn drowned in butter. nick was eating 2 burgers, also had root beer, some corn and macaronie. his sister came in with dave after a few minutes and they ate with us. i remember some random conversations about school and college and what everyone's been up to. nick's mom said she rented a movie and we were gonna watch it downstairs, as soon as we got up i woke up.

wow...in the dream, nicks mom let me stay the night o_o that had to been a dream xD and it was definately in summer too. hopefully i get this as deja vu :)

cant wait till saturday :3

 i cant wait till saturday
i got a cute date on that day 
 i am very excited 
my scotty is planning a whole day for us :)
from morning to night...
and he's gonna cook me whatever i want 
isn't that sexy?!  my boy can cook!!
 i think its super sexy >;3 hehehe ~ 
i chose eggs, bacon and pancakes for breakfast,
went oldschool and chose crustless pb&j with peanut butter celery for lunch
and he's gonna surprise me for dinner :)
i'm so excited!! he is so  lately  i love love love it 
 you're the best 
this is my shoe :) our nicknames, our anniversarry and our song 
cute huh?? in purple gel pen :) hehe
i love many things in life now :) everything is going the right way
and i super love it!!!!
only thing missing is that rabbito isnt back from camp yet!
when she comes back every thing will really be super great again :)
i miss my beefee 
she needs to come home ^_^


Monday, March 7

deja vu, changing the future, a promise and a new banner ~~

o h a y o g o z a i m a s u ~
friday was great~ it was a beautiful day~~
although the weather outside wasn't too good, it was beautiful
on friday i went over to nicko's (told him the rain wouldnt stop me ;D)
and we hung out seriously almost the whole day
i didn't leave until almost midnight  ♥
we hung out, played games, talked, had cookies, pizza, snuggles and lots of kisses and i got a really great massage that totally caught me by surprise 
it was very thoughtful  i dont know how he knew my body was hurting but he got to every single spot and i felt like i was floating on air afterwards 
and also...i got to do something i had always wanted to do
 i finally got to dance in the rain  ~
it was the cutest thing too :)
because we were walking around in the house and he had on shoes and i didnt and he looked at me and smiled, then sweeped me up and carried me outside and danced with me 
i was smiling and blushing so hard!!!! it was so sweet ahh!!!!!!!!
 you have no idea how happy i was 
last night me and scotty were talking about psychics and dejavu
because we were watching (well, i was listening) to a M13 vlog
there was this lady that predicted the next 3000 years or something
and she was already right on a few things like 9/11 and something else i don't much remember, and she predicted that this year WW3 would start and the 2 koreas have been dropping bombs on eachother...then in 2 years, or 1 year now that half of the world will have skin cancer after all of the radiation from nuclear warfare
scary stuff  . . . 
also it said in the video that deja vu is because people briefly see the future in thier dreams and that's why they  think it already happened or it seems familiar already
and i have deja vu all the time...
there is an upside and a downside to that though...because i have alot of very realistic bad dreams
and there are alot of those i would really hate to come true 
and i've had a lot of reoccurring bad dreams, which are usually the ones that come true

there's a dream i've been having maybe once a month now, that i used to have every 2 weeks or so back in january 2010 where me and nick are having our wedding and we look about 20, his hair was still long too. and the dream usually would start out with me in the powder room doing finishing touches on my makeup and all of my aunts were in the room with me along with a few other girls, i knew 3 of them but i didn't know one of them. maybe i'll be making a friend in the near future and she'll be my bridesmaid. 2 of them were my best friends from 4th grade that we promised eachother we'd be eachother's bridesmaids, so i guess i ended up actually asking them to.  1 of them was my friend kelsey, but i started having the dream before i even knew her. i was talking to her before she went out and my aunts went to go sit down and i remember having this huge rush of energy because i was so happy about my big day. josh kimmey was our photographer, he was a good friend of mine before he graduated and got a last shot of me smiling before he scurried out into the sanctuary.  my dress was white and pink and lavender. it was sleeveless with a corset style top and a heart shaped necklane. there were ribbons lacing through it and they faded from a rose pink to lavender, really really pale colors. it draped to the back and the skirt faded from lavender all the way back to the pink with a triangle left of write and the train was sheer. i had long white satin gloves. my hair was long and black and i had soft makeup with winged eyeliner, i noticed i had still never plucked my brows. i finally got out to the sanctuary and took a big gulp then started to walk to the wedding march. i could see nick looking at me from far away and i smiled, just feeling myself glowing and feeling beautiful. then i get up to the podium and me and nick began reading our vows. we both had stapled papers that we read to eachother, i only remember some parts of the vows that we both said. i was looking in his eyes and we put our rings on eachother, then his ex runs in crying...i've seen her run in 2 different ways, usually in the dreams she is wearing normal street clothes but sometimes she is wearing a white dress...she runs in crying and telling us to stop and is screaming and telling nick she loves him and that they should be together. my family is looking back and forth to eachother and his family had really wide eyes, we were both speechless, she acted like i wasnt even there...she was yelling and begging to him to take her instead and trying to remind him of thier memories together and she wouldnt stop screaming. i got frantic as we were still holding hands...she had dropped to her knees on the ground with makeup down her face and as both of our jaws drop he slowly started letting go of my hands and i started to tear up thinking "this is not happening at my wedding" everyone was just staring...no one knew what to do, what do you do when that happens? we just stood there looking at her and she just kept saying all of these things to him, i knew about them, but i didn't want them to be revisited because i was over it, or i wouldnt have been so shocked. she kept saying "she stole you from me! she stole this from me! this could have been us nicki, we were real! we were real!" and when she started saying that i just started crying, i walked back down the aisle and went back to the powder room and i locked it and that's how the dream ended...i don't know how it really ends 
there was a dream i had and i've had it a few times where i'm in a place i don't recognize, and i'm older and by myself...nothin with me, not even a purse, sitting on a bench in a city. i had on my chucks and dark jeans with my armystyle green coat on and a pack of cigarrettes in my pocket. no cell phone and maybe 5 dollars in change. i had on no makeup and dark around my eyes...curly tangly hair. i think i was homeless... i look older then too.

those among many others...that i just hope i never see in real life
i told him about the bad dreams and he knows that its not all of them, but he said
"lets change the future"
i kinda didnt think that was possible, but it is
and it's the quote under my new banner (click to enlarge)
that means we will always be together...which makes me happier than anything
it seems like things have gotten more serious really quickly
maybe because of the incident on thursday...although it was scary for both of us, it seemed to be a serious eye-opener for him...
i had never seen him cry before...and i mean cry. not wimpering "i'm so sad blah blah wahh" but an "i'm scared" pleading  "i'll never hurt you again" actual cry
he has been a little different since then, a little more serious and a little more thoughtful
he was serious enough that he cleaned out the drawer next to his bed...it had alot of things from his past relationship in there...he threw all of it away..
i'm not gonna lie, i was surprised.
last night we talked about erasing our pasts. because to eachother, we're the only thing that ever felt real.
and it makes me cry even to type that it makes me that happy 
not only because we'll be erasing our pasts and healing our hearts,
but to know the feeling that the only thing that is perfect and real to you is real to the other person too...its such a great feeling to know he feels the same way 
~ x o . a e r i b a b y 
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