describing me.
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Saturday, December 4

exclusive ;D

video of me getting ready this morning...only on blogger :)
enjoy xD ...it actually cut off halfway and the music didnt do what i told it to -_-
cuz the other half was the eyeshadow part and there was another song lol
i'll reupload it later or somethin
i re-uploaded it ^_^ enjoy it...if you can xD
btw, at the end, the eyeshadow is covergirl, black and purple :)
forgot to show it because my mom was talking to me and i was in a hurry

neeeevermind :/

no modelling today -______________-
now its on thursday @_@ this is retarded lol

unedited...no makeup...

 no makeup :/ i need to get ready
my appointment changed again...now its at 1pm and its 10:50 right now
 my luck, it has snowed about an inch, and i'm wearing heels
i also woke up with a migrane and for some reason my knee is swollen and it hurts to move it :/
this really sucks :/ my stomach hurts too, but i know thats nerves.
i had a blueberry muffin and some granola for breakfast...
i could really go for a hot coco right about now :/
i'm so scared i'm gonna do bad today.
i'm wearing a simple dark outfit and contemplating whether to wear my hair down or in a pony tail
i'll probably do a smokey eye and light pink on my lips but not much foundation...as usual....
well, i'll tell you guys how it goes...ttyl

Photography - Heaven's Deep Hiding

Friday, December 3


it has been a horrible day...
and now i'm going to do horrible tomoro :(
i can pretty much say goodbye modelling dream...
i really needed today to be perfect
i fought through all my emotions to stay in a good mood
this morning was bad so i tried to keep my head up
just waiting for after school so i could talk to nick
...but he would barely talked to me
today was the first day in over 3 months that i didn't get to hear his voice.
i feel...incomplete... goodnight..

Poem - That Shy Girl

it's wierd to have this feeling back again
that feeling like you don't know what you're doing
the feeling where all you want to be
is noticed by you...for you to see me

i turned into that shy girl again,
that shy girl, that can't say anything
the one you met who cried on you
the one you always told everything

she never left, she's always been here
laying down, staring out, towards the direction of your house
from her window, then she sleeps
sleeps and only dreams of you

"i miss you" she mutters
under her breath as she sighs
"i love you.." she mumbles
as her loneliness, she dienies
she cries,
but only when you're gone
because she just wants to say hi
but is scared you wont reply

i turned into that shy girl again,
that girl, that can't say anything
the one you met who cried on you
the one who told you everything

she never left, she's always been here
laying down, staring out, towards the direction of your house
from her window, and wimpers, then she sleeps
sleeps and only dreams of you...and me

"dance with me" she laughs, she puts on her shoes
ready to skip out the door, but knowing she'll always lose
because of a choice she cannot choose
because some things are too painful to work through

she worries too much, worries about you
she loves you so much, everyone knows its true
she doesn't want to complain,
but she longs only for you

the passion in her surpasses wildflowers
ripping through wind like telephone wires
the sounds of ghosts in night don't mourn like her
against the wall, no one would die like her

because she knows no one can love you like her
not even an angel could fly past where her butterflies take her
because your eyes are her heaven, and life is her hell
without you with her, there's no story to tell

i turned into that shy girl again,
that girl who's scared of everything
the one you met who cried on you
the one who, for you, will do anything

she never left, she's always been here
laying down, staring out, towards the direction of your house
from her window, and wishes, then she sleeps
sleeps and only dreams of us to be
f  o  r  e  v  e  r

new scarf & new banner!

i got a new scarf :) and a cardigan :D i just thought i looked cute ^_^
took this yesterday night, but bought the items at a thrift store on black friday
of course wearing my trademark razorblade necklace :P

when i dance...i dance to this

lately this has been my main songs i dance to
i dance to others too...but just the mood i've been in has been these...
and yes, i get down >:D

hehe i made the playlist the colors of my shoes ^_^

bad morning :(

that blue came out brighter than i thought >_>
randomly wore the blue barrette today...i lost my bobbie pins :(
this morning i didn't get to talk to nick :( basically started off my morning bad... its like there's a routine, talk in the morning before school, text when i get home, then he calls me when he gets home then plays video games then calls again before he goes to sleep. i was insanely tired last night :( i wanted to talk a little bit but he didn't call me :( but i apparently fell asleep while we were on webcam and he thought it was adorable xD i hate not talking to him, especially now that it is dark in the mornings because i'm still tired and he always says cute things that cheer me up so im awake, but today all i got was the "ttyl i love you" before school started :( i was super sad!
i barely slept last night either and when i did i had a bad dream :( so i woke up in a bad mood... it was one of those dumb dreams that make you want to strangle people that you don't even hate which is horrible!! and makes me feel bad T^T i hate bad dreams they're like a tripple bad mood. i get mad about the dream its self, then mad that i had the dream, then i feel bad for thinking of the person the wrong way @_@ just cant win!

i also managed to forget my ipod this morning -________- so great.

i just realized that its friday...
i have the modelling appointment tomaro D:
i needed a good day today :( now i'm gonna be a mess tomaro
ughhhh and i still havent chosen my pictures ~
now i'm stressed out :(
this sucks :( *crawls into corner*
ugh save me!!

Thursday, December 2

saw this on Najla's blog today. i wish more people thought this way..
i have 5 out of 6 of these :( it sucks to be made fun of
i get picked on alot for stuff like this, and it got me in the habit of picking back which is bad...but i think everyone should be accepted regardless of how they look
the only difference of me with this picture is that i actually get made fun of for being a size 0 (well smaller) because i am so much smaller than everyone else. i eat plenty of cookies (when i have them) but i just don't gain weight :( kinda sucks haha

the secret friendship.

this post is about a girl i'll call my secret friend
she's a nice girl, and she's pretty, but we've never talked. 
i see her in the hallway every day,
and i see her at the lunch table across the room when i first come in
because she is the only person who gets there before me.
every day, we don't talk at all.
but every day, she smiles at me and i smile back
and it's random...because we both never smile.
it's a wierd thing, but she is one of my favorite people
no matter how sad she looks in the morning, she always smiles at me.
people say hi, but they never really smile...if they do it's because they feel like they should and you can tell because they look past you and not at you
but she looks straight at me, and smiles at me
and it's not a "hi random person in the hallway" smile
it feels more like a "i'm happy to see you" smile
i'm happy to see her too

maybe, i'll talk to her one day.

just one of those random little things in life that make me feel happy.

God, why?

i was attacked by a dog this morning :\ i was finally starting to break my fear of them but today changed that. when i got to the bus stop i didnt see it cuz it was dark, & didnt hear it cuz i had in head phones and it pounced me and i fell to the ground. i had hot chocolate and when i fell it spilled on my face (which hurt) and got in my eyes and the dog almost bit my face! i felt it's lip brush my nose and freaked out!!! i kept trying to hold it back and i thought it was going to like kill me or rip me apart! the owner finally came out of his house and got the dog, but i was like petrafide :( i ran home to change sweaters and wash off my face then ran back to the bus stop and surprisingly didn't miss it. @_@ it was hell i was so scared :( and now i'm gonna smell like dog all day :\ my eyes hurt...the only day i decide not to bring my glasses -__-
my lips were really chapt when i woke up so i put blistex and lip tint on them...i figured the tint would make the light dry parts more red to match the parts of my lip that i bit off in my sleep...i was right :) it was a nice quick fix up... might do it again.
yesterday in class i got worried... we were learning about IEP and disabilities, and turns out i fit into the categories to qualify for special help :/ it didn't cross my mind until someone looked at me after a couple of things were said...then i looked at the paper again and got a little sad. the counselor said i'm severely depressed and that i need medication :\ i already know that... i just don't want to take the medicine anymore... i was doing okay without it for a while but it has gotten really really bad again...and i hate it. forever. it sucks to deal with it :( and i've got PTSD so i'm always paranoid...plus stupid voices in my head always tell me things that are never good. the only good characters in my imagination can't talk :( but the mean ones can. i learned that... the ones that can talk arent all good, only the ones who can't talk are good. they're never mean to me. i wont talk any more about this...
i was just listening to the song "She's Anti" by Home Grown and i was like O_O
what a violent girl...i feel like her sometimes, not gonna lie >_> but i couldn't kill everyone like she did xD the way they sing it makes it sound humorous...but if she existed then we'd all be in trouble haha now i'm listening to New Found Glory for the first time in 3 years...i actually kind of miss this band.
honestly, i just really need one of those days, where i can lay next to the person i love. quiet or not, i don't care and i don't care where. i miss him. i miss being happy. i want to lay with him and talk about what we love about eachother. i want him to kiss my nose and forehead so i cant cry anymore. i want to cuddle and snuggle with him, he's the only one that can do it the right way and keep me warm... i want him.. for the rest of my life... i would beg God for it if he would hear me..

intense dance session!

today i danced for about an hour @_@ 
i actually choreographed part of dance for a song i like
then i recorded myself....
but turns out the lighting was bad so i wont upload it :[
i was doin so good too >.<
now i'm coolin down
i am so addicted to hot chocolate...i'm at the last pack now D: wahhh!! i have 10$ left and im tempted to just spend it all on more coco >_<
if i ever do make a dance video...i will only post it to blogger and no where else
you guys are the only ones i trust xD

Wednesday, December 1

boring undedited vlog video...

s e l f - a w a r e n e s s

it can be a bad thing...it is in my case right now. for some reason my self-esteem is at an all time low(which is bad considering i have a modelling appointment on saturday). notas much in my looks but who i am... i feel like i'm stupid... maybe it's because i don't really talk to anyone. i literally layed down and stared at my phone for 3 hours, too shy to text anyone and no one would answer to me, just sitting there in the dark wishing it would light up at least to entertain me. which is completely pitiful... and yesterday i feel stupid for getting in trouble at school for trying to help myself out. it's not that i don't have any social skills, but i cant get a detention or i'll have to walk home + that teacher intimidates the hell out of me :\ she's total type A and has to have everything perfect and i am the total opposite! she is never pleased...
life in general has just felt crappy since sunday...but i've felt crappy since friday :/ its obvious why, think about who i saw for the first time that day. i just keep remembering her as being prettier and prettier every time i see my shoes :\ i wasnt going to buy them after i saw i was at the store she worked it because i knew it would remind me of her. i was starting to feel better and i really loved those shoes so i bought them anyway thinking maybe it would help me get over it...but its doing the opposite :(  i feel worse now! i don't know if it is the shoe's fault though...i got some very oddly themed questions on my formspring yesterday night. i didn't notice them at first but they started to get wierd. someone asked why i signed up for 2 dance classes last year and didn't take them, which i thought was really creepy that they knew that...they asked me why i cant sleep at night and if i have nightmares alot, they said "do you like your new shoes? do you like shoe shopping?" and someone said they saw me at the Nike store on friday. these all tied together when they said "Remember The Alamo" ...the peace treaty that ended the battle has her last name in it and then i was like fuck everyone -_- i am pretty curious of who that was...was it a combination of people?? it seemed on purpose but was it? maybe it was just a coincidence that all those questions co-related. i don't know but it sure did freak me out! especially the dance Q. i wanna know who knows about that :\ there are only 2 ppl that know i didnt go, and i know Nick wouldnt do that to me and my mom doesnt even know what a formspring is. i never blogged about that either so idk how anyone knows :\ the only people i know from the dance company are grown and dont know me that well. ugh this is bothering me so bad! and one of my friends is friends with her and her sister so i see their faces all over facebook again -______- blehhh crappy feeling >_>
i notice that i type alot more in my posts when i don't talk to anyone all day. because i have no one to talk to sometimes :\ i keep trying to get closer to my sister...she comes to talk to me more but then when i try to talk to her she puts in her earphones and acts rude to me and pisses me off.. so i stopped trying for that one -.-'
ughh why do things have to be so hard!! i would like to be not-stressed and confident -_- please? ugh.. i'm going to try to get my mood back up by saturday so i can do good at the modeling thing.
i wore my striped headband today ^_^ its one of my favorites
i'm so hungry T-T no lunch money once again >_<
and my stomach is still all mean feeling like yesterday...i also didn't vlog yesterday due to my mood >_> might vlog today though...
r a n d o m s t u f f :
  • i'm officially obsessed with Far East Movement and beginning to be addicted to U-KISS. i love thier song Give It To Me and Boomshake by FEM. ahh @_@
  • i want chipssss so bad @_@
  • i cant stop drinking hot chocolate
  • i didn't get to have my anime marathon yesterday
  • my sister might blog again soon
  • i need a HUG :(

Tuesday, November 30

embarrassed :( this day is just getting better!! + an interesting thing i read

school is really starting to get on my nerves :( well just FMP... today i got super embarrassed :(
when i came in i was later than everyone else so i sat down and the teacher gave me a paper to do and said to write a summary then 1 page on it and i was doing that while i waited to take the quiz
i planned on ace-ing my quiz today but we have our quizzes on a website now and need a log in, she said "this is the last time i'm passing around the login sheet" and to get your log in off of it, so i raised my hand but no one passed it to me :( then the teacher called me out in front of the whole class because i was the only person who didnt have thier quiz done... i just wanted to hide in a corner T-T i hate stuff like that... she could have just called me to the desk instead :( ugh..
well i couldnt ask for the sheet with the usernames so i had to sit there and not do my quiz looking like an idiot... im sure the girls sitting near me were looking at me like "wth..." i feel so stupid... these are one of those times i just wish i was invisible :(

i think i need some anime therapy.....i'm gonna have a Hamtaro & Peach Girl marathon in my room today

i read something interesting in that article i was supposed to write about. it was about poor people and rich people. in the article they said that by experiment/studying that poor people are more empathetic than rich people. it said that rich people have the ability to get things they want and need because they have money, and that poor people rely on friends and understanding for happiness instead of material things. i don't know if that's true or not, i really think it depends on how they were raised. i know nice rich people, like my little sister's bestfriend's grandpa, Ron. he's super nice! he has a lot of money but he doesnt really gloat about it, he always lets emily have birthday parties and sleepovers at his house and sometimes church parties and loves to treat people, he always listens if you need someone to talk to. i also know mean rich people too...like my youth pastor :/ i don't like him... he has a travelling job where he goes all around the world all the time then brags about it... he has church parties at his house too, (he actually lives next door to Ron) but you dont really feel as welcome unless Todd or Matt is there. one time one of my church friends was telling us about an idea that he had learned from school and was sharing it with the class and Mr.Roy wouldnt let him finish and kept cutting him off, even laughed at him making him feel stupid and my friend stormed out of the room... i was just as mad and i left too. he seems stuck up to me :\ it always seems like he's not taking in what anyone is saying unless its a prayer request. but there are nice and mean poor people too. there was a girl i know who didn't have much money, but she would get mad whenever anyone offered her anything and when she had something she would be really stingy with it. then i know people who don't have alot of money who share whatever they have and are nice to everyone.
i guess i kind of get where they are coming from in the article, because i don't have alot of money so i make a really high value of close friendships and relationships. i do have some valuable things, but nothing will ever be as valuable to me as Nick. the most valueable things i have from greatest to least are my Laptop, my Bass, my Guitar, my PS2 and my cell phone. i wouldn't want to live without those things, but i could. if i had to keep two things, it would be my bass and my laptop, because i talk to my friends with my laptop + my dad got it for me and i love to play bass + Nick got it for me and it means a lot to me. i can call on the house phone and send IM's to people's cell phones. i have a watch to tell time. i dont need my video games, (even tho i love them) i can play games on my computer. i love my guitar but i'm better at bass. so i would keep those things if i had to choose. see? it revolves around people and sentimental value for me.

what do you guys think about what the article suggests? do you agree or disagree? what are your opinions?

sick x_x ugh and got no sleep either @_@

as soon as i got to school a\i rand to the bathroom ... ugh
*not a happy berry*
i fell asleep at 11 and then woke up at 3 am and couldnt get back to sleep
and then my stomach hurt then (and earlier before that) too but not this bad
now its bad and i am so mad >.< also mad cuz i had to change my modeling appointment to saturday instead of today and i was so ready :( outfit and everything picked out
 i have 2 reading quizzes today and i cant go home plus the last day of notes before the history test tomaro x(

**also for the modelling appointment on saturday i need to take two photos with me....its going to be hard to decide which ones! i'll put up some candidates later and hopefully you guys can vote on them for me!

so confused...
ranting! you dont have to read this >_<

i've been trying to improve myself lately...not on the outside but the inside... i've had a rough time lately with friends and family and such so i'm trying to get better... i was told that i complain alot so i am trying so hard not too, but it is making me so sad because i feel like i'm being pushed away now... i have no one to talk to all day, so i sit alone and wait. make vlogs, play sims, homework and stare at my phone, sometimes watch anime. i am feeling lonelier than ever :( i wish my online friends lived in the same time zone :( sigh... if i am being pushed away, i know why... i would understand, but i really hate this feeling.
second thing i don't know if i'm doing right is forgiveness... i was told to forgive less but i dont forgive at all. that's not good :\ that means i will hate more people much easier and thats not really what i wanna do, but i don't know what to forgive and what not to forgive now. i used to forgive everything. all the way from boyfriend-stealers & backstabbers to people who judge me & lie straight to my face. now, i can barely forgive being hit with a paper ball or a mean joke. i have to be able to forgive people, not for everything and not every person, but some people... the only things i refuse to forgive are the things people don't say sorry for. if someone does something mean to me, then i expect them to say sorry because thats what i would do, but no one ever really apologizes to me.. so i don't forgive them and most of the time will not even talk to them after a while if they still don't get it. i have lost a lot of friends that way, but if they can't see what they did wrong and apologize, maybe they don't deserve to be my friend. i am done playing the little "friend" games with people. i am tired of being the one people come to for help but i cant go to anyone for help. i am tired of friends that will come and go and i am tired of people never saying sorry when i always do. i'm sick of people making other people hate me just cuz they're mad. if i'm gonna have friends, they gotta be my friend and stay my friend. jeez i might have to make an entry exam just to see if people qualify -.- haha jk thats a little shallow. xD
i almost decided to go on blog hiatus today :\ it seems a lot of people (in real life) get mad about my blog... but it is my blog... why should i stop posting because of other people not liking it? no... uf you don't like it, don't read it! there's a little red x in the corner of the screen, it's there to be clicked.. right? is that not what they made it for? ugh people just really frustrate me sometiems.

Monday, November 29

new vlog & formspring :]

feel free to ask anything! and subscribe to my YouTube if you havent already ^_^

old picture and short update :)

old picture but i miss that nail polish!
i love purple ^_^ every shade of it ♥ !!
i wish my skin was clear like it used to be @_@ anybody got some tips or good products you know of that would help?? and i have hyperpigmentation which sucks really bad >.<
okay short update of some stuff going on:
  • i have an appointment with a modelling agency tomaro at 7 pm! lets hope i get in =)
  • so far no emails back or calls from the work places i applied to
  • i got a 100%, 90% and another 100% on my quizzes =D
  • we are having a mock congress at school starting thursday and i am going to try to be elected as speaker of the house so wish me luck ^-^
  • i finally have soda and chips at my house! and i will keep vlogging every day =)
so you guys like my vlog so far? =D im glad ^_^
i'm surprised i have viewers! :D if you have a YouTube account, please subscribe/friend me!
i sent friend request to some of you :) please accept! ~ ~
i sing all the time also so if you have a song you want me to sing, just tell me and i will record it into one of my vlogs ^_^ it doesnt even matter what language! i sing in a bunch :)
these are the ones i might sing next:
  1. tell me - wondergirls
  2. my world down - the dying breed (beck)
  3. rette mich - tokio hotel
  4. girls not grey - afi
well leave the number of the song in a comment if you think i should sing ^_^
i know those songs by heart, but if i should learn another then please request it :D

well thats all for now ~

bad mood and sooooo tired...

i'm so tired :( i could not sleep at all!! yes i am wearing my school clothes now and the scarf nick's mom gave to me. i need to thank her again, it is so cute and so so warm!!
in case some were wondering...instead of just uniforms at my school we just have uniform policy.
i didn't know that there was a difference between the two until my history teacher told us one day.
basically it is a halfway mark between uniform and dress code...
we can only wear blue, gold, or white polo shirts (3-button only) or sweaters. v neck sweaters have to have a polo's under but crew do not. only blue, gold, gray, black or white undershirts. navy, black or khacki pants. @_@ ughh. i don't like it. oh and we always have to wear a belt if we have loops and our shirts always have to be tucked in & if you get 3 uniform violations you get suspended!
i think it's too strict to be honest >_>
i got to my credit recovery class just now...
i got really pissed off in advisory.
i was already mad from stupid crap happenning and losing bella
but this just made me so much more mad....
every school morning the two ppl i sit by say good morning and on mondays ask how the weekend was, small talk and what not... well this is how the conversation went.
Fletcher: well, i got two people crossed off for my Christmas list.
Max: Nice. i haven't gone shopping yet.
Me: I would go shopping now, but i have no money—
Max: or maybe you just have no friends *smiles sweetly*
Me: yeah, that too,  DICK!!
Fletcher: O_O ........... >_>'
i am in the most horrible mood now!!!
tired, cranky, angry, and hungry with no lunch money!!!
i am so annoyed with so many people -_-
the more annoyed i get, the more i am pushing myself into my little hole of my laptop...but hey at least i can feel welcome here xD
and xiao yuan moon you made me feel so much better xD thank you!! :D
you should take a picture in your outfit that looks like mine and i'll take a picture in mine and we can put them side by sad cuz we match :D haha i ♥ you!
well i'm off to do schoolwork now... i just aced my last 3 quizzes so i'm proud =)
gonna try to pass even more!!! c ya ♥

Sunday, November 28

ugh -.- wow awesome. :(

see, this is why i don't ever rant. i think my friend thought i was talking about her in my vlog when i was ranting about how i didn't like a lot of girls and apparently hates me and thinks i'm a douche bag. i wasn't even refferring to her at all!!!! it didn't even cross my mind that she would have taken offence to my video... me and her had a wierd situation about a year and a half ago and we cleared stuff up/fixed it and made up but i think she thinks im still mad about it :( something i said in my video about a different situation with a different person sounded JUST like what happened with me and her. i wish i would have thought about that earlier!!! now i feel bad about it :( ugh... well i messaged her and told her who the video was really about but she didn't reply to it so i guess she doesnt care. well thats just great.... makes me feel worse! i wasnt trying to hurt her feelings or bring up anything bad i was just ranting about three particularly mean girls that i was angry at and she wasnt one of them :( ugh i'm sorry Hannah! ugh maybe i should put codenames in my vlog or something :\ i mean i cant say people's names in them cuz that would just be plain mean but if i say the names of all the people i'm trying to not offend then everyone will figure out who i'm talking about! i didn't even know she looked at my blog! most people i know in real life dont look at it. i'll keep vlogging i guess... but i'm probably never going to vent again. or sing...

pink sweater?? :o

i've been sad all day because i miss my nicko so much!! :(
now im making kissy faces at my computer >.<
that's embarrassing haha especially because my lips are too big to make a kissy face cute :(
 and do i really look good in pink?? people have told me i have my whole life but i dont know if they are right or not >.< maybe it is because i am not fond of the color... i dont know o_o maybe i dont think i look femenine enough to wear it the right way. oh and i hope me and my nike's are together forever because i loooooooove these shoes :D :D :D so much!! ♥
i got very mad very fast today. i saw one of my ex boy friends at the mall today while looking for jobs.... he treated me so bad!! we used to date a long time ago (off and on for 7th grade and a little of 8th) and he cheated on me with about 13 other girls =.= furious!!!!!!!!! i didn't even see him there until he said "hey berry!" and then i thought to myself... "who's that?" then i saw the scar on his chin and i was like 
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
and stomped out of the mall xD
then i went to other stores... i applied at shoe carnival. the application is really simple o_o easiest application i have ever filled out. i got it done in 5 minutes and turned it in with my resume and they looked impressed >:D i think i might get this job! meeeeeeeow i am on the ball! hehe so pro ^_^
i am starting to watch the anime Chance Pop Session has anyone watched this?
i decided to give it a chance... only on the first episode right now xD
i'll see if i like it... or not... who knows :)
here is a pic i edited of nick today when i was bored
oh he looks sexy with that beanie and his hair straight o_o
*drools and gets electrocuted by keyboard*
x_x oh goodness
i like his curley hair better but in this picture its just like WWWOOOOOOOSHHH ^-^
there's my vlog for today :)
and thank you everyone for your comments i will reply very soon!!
i'm not used to getting so many so i'm still like 0_0 ..... :D 
i ♥ all of you!!!

Happy Birthday Candy Tuft!

happy sweet 16 ^_^ hope the whole day is happy happy happy!!
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