describing me.
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Saturday, January 22

girly nail polish > _ >" 900th post

i painted my nails pink and green and yellow...
i dont remember liking pink or yellow >_> i think i missed somethng

there is a pink heart on the yellow nail.....
i have become a girl T - T

it is my sister's b-day today!
i am still in a bad mood from last night.
i don't want to talk to anyone ^_^

Friday, January 21

we had plans for once!!!!!!

i'm so fucking pissed right now >:(
we never hang out...we never make plans
now...i wwas supposed to come over at 6...
u got off cam TOTALLY RANDOM at 4:58 then i texted you 5 times and now its almost 8pm!!!
do you know how upset i am?? :(
you wont even talk to me....
is she there?...........
you have no idea how many thoughts going thru my head right now :'(
i'm so mad right now........i dont wanna talk to anyone.

sleepy, some makeup and the best breakfast i've ever made *drool*

yesterday we had a snow day, and we have one today too
but idk if nick has one today...
so he's gonna be super pissed off at me for being able to stay home xD
i plan to proofread my government essay, drink coffee, and watch Best Student Council all day
they have it in english, i think 26 episodes on youtube :) im on #5
the other day i was going to show my eyeshadow. but it was too hard to see :(
i found a picture on my camera and cropped it and put up the contrast
now you can actually see the colors!
i think its cute ^_^ probably wont do the lavender next time,
i'll do a bronze color, then black wing eyeliner on top ^_^
it will look super kawaii
here is yesterday's breakfast
mmmmm it was delicious! i kid you not!
hawaiian bread roll,slice chicken breast, scrambled egg and cheese
it tasted like something out of a restaurant
well, partially it kind of was, haha
my mom bought a chicken breast from HoneyBaked Ham
i hate him >_< but i like chicken sometimes :)
i must say that this is the first time i've ever seen a slice of chicken xD
it tasted sweet in a good way and really tender
i put the roll from the fridge and the chicken slice in the toaster for the same amount of time
the eggs...those are made by me entirely :)
i even layed that egg! jk but that would be so cool :D
i heated the stove to 5 and let it heat up for a second
then cracked the egg into the skillet
i seasoned it with ground basil leaves, parsley flakes salt and pepper then scrambled it for a little while, but not long enough to turn any of the parts brown
then after it was looking about done, sprinkled mozzarella on the top, flipped it over on the skillet twice to let it melt, then all on the plate and ready to eat.
Ta-DAH!!! chef aeri to the rescue :)
you guys should try it sometime ^_^
i got super emotional yesterday T  T
nick found the poem he wrote me...the one he wrote to tell me how he felt about me
its the sweetest thing i've ever gotten or read...
i had it, but i havent seen it since before i left this summer
which really kills me inside because it is so important to me...
he read the first line and my jaw dropped
he wrote a rough draft.....i didn't know he did that
i immediately burst into tears after he was done reading it
because i feel horrible about how i am towards him sometimes
and sometimes i get scared that he doesnt love me anymore because we dont see eachother...i miss that poem
it always made me feel better
and i miss that side of him...it shows best when we're face to face...i miss that the most..

Wednesday, January 19

"oh, spazzy azi, you're such a schizo!"

not a nice nickname in my opinion >_<
a girl said this to me today in class when i was talking to her and i kept thinking i was hearing things and i kept trying to describe the noise, but no one else heard it but me...which happens alot, i told her i could hear it and that it was real! (exclamation point needed, i was whisper-yelling at her.)
she looked at me like an alien, then laughed and rolled her eyes and said "oh spazzy azi, you're such a schizo!"
i know she doesn't know about it, but i was still a little upset that she said that but i just kept my anger to myself.
i got an email from some anonymous sender and had this link inside
my initial expression was " :\  "
bad timing haha
it sucks to read stuff like this, but i know that it will always be me...and that it will never go away.
but i guess i gotta deal with it...i mean its not always a bad thing :)

what i want to be is the one thing i wasn't born to be

the picture says it all..."happy"
i've tried...over and over and i cant
everything that makes me happy is taken from me
it's only temporary...no matter what it is
there is always something that tears me down
post-traumatic stress disorder is what makes it even worse
when something happened that hurt me
it lingers.. sometimes never goes away and bothers me forever
i want to be happy
i want to be myself
but i dont...because i hate myself
im not exaggerating...i can not remember even one time where i liked everything about myself. i have lost it all
i fell in dance class... i'm failing a class again...
i havent drawn in a long time... i'm not good with guitar anymore...
i don't have friends anymore... i have no job... i cant drive...
my dad is not proud of me... i cant see my boyfriend...
what is there to make me happy if there is nothing i can do?
i miss nicko the most...having his affection always made me feel better and confident, but now with this IBS there is no hanging out...no hugs no kisses no snuggling or naps on the couch...
i want to cry
seeing him is always the best part because i am always happy when i see him
when we hung out all the time, i didn't get jealous
because i got to hold him and kiss him and puts in my head "he is mine"
without him...i am scared about everything from being scared he will leave me to if my shoes are untied
he is my reassuring person in life that i can always come to even if i just needed a hug
but now, i have to wait....realistically, i probably wont even see him for my birthday..
i love him and i want him :(
God, why did you curse me?
why does everything that makes me happy have to have a wall between us
every person i get close to...bad things happen to them
and bad things always happen to me
why do you let me feel like this! i asked you for help!
now what do i do...
i want to be happy but i guess i wasn't born to be...
bless me please...i want to be okay...
i'm tired of waiting God...please

Tuesday, January 18

i'm sorry (+rainbow eyeshadow)

ugh i am a terrible person..
i said something completely impulsive and inconsiderate last night...
i didn't want to say it but he told me to and i said it anyway and then there were no more words... after ten minutes of silence he just hung up..
my jealousy was uncontrollable at the moment and i tried to control it but i didn't :( i should not have even thought it
this morning i text him and said i was sorry and i love him.. he said it back and i told him i was going to sign up for anger managment...and i will tomaro...
he replied "well no matter what u say its ok i forgive you. and i love you so much so hava good day baby muah"
i just burst into tears...i don't deserve that
i really do love him...
today i was with my makeup set...and i wanted to do a rainbow
so here is my attempt
i tried to get a better picture altogether here

well i not in a blogging mood...
so maybe later...byebye

Monday, January 17

kawaii necklace ~ !

mood: -ish
: philly steak sanwhich
: playing sims
: lots of hip hop @ dance!!

i love photoscape better than photoshop now xD
 cant believe i just said that 
but i love it!! cute pictures are so easy on there
i made a super kawaii necklace today  look at it 
i love it 
i got a set of glow-in-the-dark beads when i was 10
and i still had them...i just made this at random xD
oh goodness my girly-ness is showing ( ._.| | |)
i have on cute make-up also, but it is very hard to see >_<
i have on pink and teal on the top then lavender on the bottom
i sure do love the pink lips these days xD
  well hugs and kisses everyone  
i am off to dance class!
i have alot of catching up to do...
i missed some stuff last week so i gotta do good now!

also i gave nick this gold diamond ring this summer...
i have been scared to ask about and was scared he lost it >_<
but he didn't :) he showed it to me today on cam
i am so happy thank you baby 
that means alot to me, really <33

well, blog again later :) c ya!

Sunday, January 16

finally broke 50 follwers!!!

i am so happy :D
my happiness makes me want to post my msn!
add me if you would like ^_^


i am 51 follwers now!!!
thanks everyone <333

gift from nicko! n_n

today i have gotten my present from nicko  
i was so  to see everything 
of course i have been saying i've been girly  lately ~
nicko picked me out this amazing makeup set  !!!
 so shiny  *-* ooooo~!! 
so many colors! its like heaven
i &heearts; all the eyeshadow :D and the big ones are blush
then the ones  in the middle  are lip gloss 

i also got 2 new shirts!
his mom and sister picked them for me :)
i love them so so much!
floral design + purple + tank top = LOVE!!!!!
so many favorites all in one :D

and this green is my favorite on me :)
i always feel pretty in this color :)))

i really like these pictures of me also :)
did you notice that i am wearing hoop earings?
and i re-pierced my left ear so in both ears!
nick said it makes me look pretty ^_^

thank you so much for these gifts i love them all!
thank you too your mom and sis too :)

and thanks again to miss rabbito roy lee for her present <333 my bee fee!
i love all of the gifts this year :) i am happy for them all
till later.. making pixels :)
and also re-vamping my resource site! finally 10 followers on it!
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