describing me.
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Saturday, August 7

Poem - I'd Rather You Hate Me Because I'm Strange

maybe i'll send a letter one day
if all of the words that i had meant to say
all of the times i've pleaded and days i've prayed
that i could live without my skin in the way

dread, i do this color, "brown"
mellow, neutral and calm but the color of ground
with or without it, i'd hardly make a sound
but sometimes this color doesnt let me stay around

certain people and certain things
saying "it should be different, the way she sings"
people hiding certain things and feelings
and expecting you to love chicken wings

its not something i can change
my skin cant just rearrange
i'd rather you reject me because im strange
not because my skin is in a darker range

relationships, friendships and even church
no matter where i perch
it's always felt the worst since the very first
i dont think alot of  people realize how much it hurts

Friday, August 6

girl best friend needed! apply here:

i need a girl best friend that meets these requirements:
will dance with me, can dance well
will make up dances with me
will sing with me, can sing
will play instruments (or can play already :D)
likes latin music, raggaeton, eurodance/techno, kpop & jpop
likes taking pictures
likes talking about bodily functions (pooping, farting...ect.)
does not and will not flirt with my boyfriend
is a little rebellious but not out of hand

and no fakeness or two-facedness allowed!!
i just might put this on craig's list...

Wednesday, August 4

is it really that important for something to cause me pain at all times? God why do you do this? you let horrible things happen to me even though i still pray, after i clean up everything you let something from the past come and take away all my progress. i've cleaned up everything, and it was getting so good, i was finally being seen in a different way and almost felt.. welcomed.. a feeling i almost  never feel. i was so happy. then as soon as i was happy you took it all away, just reminding me that i'm really not welcome anywhere, just like i always knew. i've been trying to find a place for myself and i dont fit anywhere and it feels so bad.. there's so much i wanna do, but even if im a room with just one friend, even if i've known them for years i still feel out of place. i just dont understand why you cant just let me be happy... i've been so nice to so many people, even though they have been so mean to me, i show my love the best i can, i smile to strangers just to hope i make someone's day, i pray and ask you for things even though you seem to put me on hold alot.. and you gave me all of these talents and the ability to do things that most people cant do, but left me with a screwed up mind. you let me have this amazing boy but then made his parents hate me, what are you testing me? can you stop? please? i'm just trying to live...i want to live happy like i've always wanted to. today i am 17 and a half, and the person who's supposed to be turning 18 today was one of my best friends, and she's up there with you.. tell her i said happy birthday.. but do you know how sad you've made me? no one's hurt me more than you, i dont get what i want alot, but all i'm asking for is happiness. i have a little, but i want alot more...i know i'm on hold because there are people who need you more, but when you finally get to me, can you make me happy? just let me be happy, i made mistakes and i said i'm sorry and i mean it, i just want to be happy, God, you're up there...if you can put all of the sins of the world onto one man to save everyone, and show them that you're real...then can you show me? i wasnt there to see it, just make me happy and i'll never doubt you again.

edits for chelese, before and after

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