describing me.
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Saturday, January 9

update for today...

[attempting to see eye to eye]
i look really bad from side-view >.<
but anyway, lately i seem to be really confused...
my head has been acting funny since i started this new contraceptive pill,
my stomachs been hurting,
i've been dizzy alot
the nosebleed incedent
bad headaches
but the pamphlet says its supposed to stop after the first week
so let's hope it does @_@
cuz i feel like i'm dying XD XD XD

also lately my mind has been playing tricks on me. i'm permanantly nervous regardless of whatever is going on. i could be happy as ever and still be hiding in the corner in my mind afraid to come out. i want to get rid of my nervousness for good, but i really don't know how...i've been on this continuous journey of escaping it for so many years now, and im slowly crawling out from the abyss but it seems like the exit is so far away and every time i reach for it it runs from me..i am almost there...i just need that one last step to get out. i need enough reassurance that i dont have to always be worried...i need that hand to reach out to me and pull me out...i've never been "like everyone else" but i don't want to be a nervous wreck..yes, i'm really nice and i see it as my duty to make people happy...but what about me? why can't i make myself happy? thats what i need to learn to do...i have learned to calm myself down and to cope but i havent yet learned to be content.

i had cookies today ^_^

they are low calorie, but only cuz they were cheap today XD
my mom brought some home and i was the first to grab at it
because we almost never have any sweets in our house
when there is, they dissapear very fast
either because my mom and sister eat them
or if i take half the box and hide it under my bed
because that's the only way i can ever get any!! XD
my family is one hungry bunch XD XD XD
especially me!
i eat alot, but never gain weight
some call it a blessing,
i call it a curse!!
i've been trying to gain weight for years >.<
i'm always tiny no matter what >.<
and its really bad in winter, because fat keeps you warm
but i have almost no fat!!
so im always cold T-T

and here is a video i made last night

btw if you ever want to see any of my videos search "Yrrebsa" on youtube
subscribe to my channel if you want ^_^

other things (misc):
♥the song "Summer Wine" is stuck in my head
♥i really really really really reeeally miss Nicko :(
♥i found out one of my friends has been fake to me(i am disappointed about that)
♥i lost my memory card somewhere in my room >.<
♥i am very bad at playing on a Wii because the good graphics distract me!!
♥my mind keeps twisting everything to negatives and i do not like it at all
♥i need a Nicko hug RIGHT NOW!!!

Lyrics - Just Hoping For My Angel Will Pass Through

confiding within myself the words i refuse to speak
trying to hide the emotions that make me come off as weak
attempting to not upset all others
hiding my head beneath my covers
just hoping that my Angel will pass through...

i try to write my thoughts away
because to pain, my mind is prey
the blitzkrieg over my circumstances
staring into the sky with wishful glances
just hoping that my Angel will pass through...

where art thou, oh Angel of mine?
give me an answer, give me a sign
write out our names in the stars aligned
so then i can see it and i can be fine

hiding in a self grown mask although i can only try
to hide the sorrows underneath the streaming tears i cry
longing for our happiness
longing to feel your sweet carress
just hoping that my Angel will pass through...

so then it can be just me and you...

Friday, January 8

aww ^_^

on my previous post my friend left me this comment:

Rabbito!! you are appreciated by me! ^_^
very much!!

and i dedicate this picture to you!! ↓

Dedicated to Rabbito

rabbi-chan i had KFC tonight and i thought about you ^_^
so this is for you since you love KFC!

i appreciate your kindness and for being a good friend to me

and these are my family with thier KFC

first is my sister and second is my mom ^_^

i had apple juice >.<
and pop corn chicken but my mom says i "inhale" my food XD XD XD

i wuv u rabbito!!

*sigh* ...

eventful day, i must say...i had a nose bleed and passed out for a while @_@ i think i died XD i still feel a little bit sick but nothing too bad now..
good things that happened:
yay!chatted with Rabbito on our cell phones!! first time ever!
yay!saw milo dinosaur on Rabbito's blog XD XD
yay!made a giant sandwich (didnt like it then but thinking back it was good!!)
yay!finished 6 sections in US History

i spent most of the day working on my online class
im glad i actually got something done, haha

did a big long post about love that i started working on yesterday ↓↓↓
i dont really like the way i worded it so i was gonna delete and start over
im too lazy to re-type all that!!


now for the latest Ville Valo creation:

inspired by the HIM song "Beautiful"
(click to enlarge to see the lyrics)
i think i didnt do too bad on this..
but im no pro XD

tomoro doesnt seem like it will be a better day,
i'm prepared for the worst and hoping for the best


(btw, this is my friend Emi :) and i edited it)
LOVE, that magical word and extraordinary feeling, a beautiful thought that i think all of the time. especially when i really miss nick.
Today, i thought i would share this as an acronym i created to trying to explain a little what love is to me and the steps into falling chronologically, haha so here i go.

Here is the acronynym:

Letting it find you
Opening your heart
Verifying your feelings
Everything you ever wanted

♥Letting it find you is the first step to love. "Seek and ye shall find" is true in most cases but in love, it will find you. it's one of those things where you'll  just know. what happened to me could happen to you: most of you all know the story of how i met my boyfriend. i was with my ex boyfriend on his birthday and my now just happened to be there, a few months later he says hi and we talk, i get dumped and he takes me to the mall to cheer me up and just by looking him in the eye for the first time i already knew. now look at us, we're two the happiest people in the world all because of a coincidence.
  You never know when love is going to show up in your life, it will rear it's head when you least expect it. it could be the guy who tripped you every day when you were little or it could be the clerk at the grocery store you see once a week. it could be anyone! but as soon as you know it, follow the next step... ↓

♥Opening your heart is what you need to do. when i figured out that i was in love, it happened really fast and i tried to hold it back. i had just gotten hurt and i didn't want to be hurt again so i tried to deny myself. KEY WORD: TRIED. the thing is with love, you HAVE to open your heart, and even if you don't want to it will open on its own. no matter how hard you try to hold it back or how many times you deny it, your heart will still let love it. i figured that out.

♥Verifying your feelings is the next step. after your heart is opened up and your guard is lowering you have verify. you have to make sure that its love that you're feeling then tell that person. verify your feelings not only with yourself but with the one you love. If you never tell them, they'll never know and its no guarantee that they will tell you first, especially if you're both shy.
How do you let them know? the best way to let someone know that you love them is to do it in a way that you are comfortable with. for example, Nick showed me in numerous ways. one that is most special to me is the poem he wrote me and it described how he felt. i always write poems and songs and paintings to show how i feel, and of course there's also physical ways too you can show it. just a look in the eyes can tell alot.

♥Everything you ever wanted - this isnt much of a step as it is a product. now that you've gone through all you've done you can feel the butterflies and blush to your complete potential :) anyone who's in love knows this feeling and isnt it amazing?

i hope everyone finds love one day
remember what i said, it just might help :)

Thursday, January 7

good mood is back :)

Wednesday, January 6

no makeup.

yep. and thats about it.
because im in a bad mood and have nothing to post.
so here's a video i made today before the bad mood

and my latest ville valo creation inspired by Wicked Game


i finaly found it!! i've been searching for years!
thank you Bing.com!! i found it here
but its only the meaning of "Asbury" not Asberry and its only a last name meaning T-T

Last name origins & meanings:
English (West Midlands): habitational name from Astbury in Cheshire, named from Old English ēast ‘east’ + byrig, dative of burh ‘manor’, ‘fortified place’.

English (West Midlands): from either of two places, in Oxfordshire and Devon, named Ashbury, from Old English æsc ‘ash tree’ + byrig.
then i found this for a first name meaning...but it says its for a boys name!!
there is no girls name of Asberry!

i have a stupid name...
*shoots sef*

photoshop pictures...of me this time XD XD XD

i dont like the way i look...
and photoshop doesnt help really XD
but i got bored last night and made all these
dont make fun of me idk what im doing!!

(ugly kiss face!!)

kinda like this one ^_^

boredom makes me look funny XD

Tuesday, January 5

2 hour delay.

(pics from a couple days ago)

i wish i hadnt had to go to school AT ALL!
i hate that horrible place >.<
today we had a 2 hour delay because of the snow
and i fell a bunch of times walking to the bus stop
so my butt was all wet T-T
very very very uncomfortable
and cold!!

but anywayz,

last night after i posted my last post,
i got up and started getting ready for bed
then i sat down on my bed and checked my phone
i had 1 missed call
i had 1 text message
i had 1 new voicemail
the missed call and text were from Nicko
so i text him back and told him sorry because i was getting ready
then he said to check my voicemail
so i did
and it was the cutest voicemail ever <3

"dang it! you didnt answer, now i cant hear your pretty voice.
so what am i gona do now? im just gona be bored and not happy...jeez, now im bored and not happy. dang it! (laughs) o well, you should just call me back cuz that would be pretty cool. i dont care if it's at whatever time, just call me back, cuz i love you and wana talk to you..alright bye!"

so of course i called back
because nothing is better than to hear his voice before i go to sleep <3
i love him so much <3

My Phobias ~

(unedited pic)
something most people don't know about me is my phobias...i have many (i didn't list some because it was innapropriate XD) but am now getting over some of them. so i thought i would share them with you all.

Chiraptophobia- Fear of being touched.
this lasted for a very long time. after 6th grade i didnt like to be touched, then i was afraid of it. when people would surprise hug me or poke me i would almost cry. when i had boyfriends from that time until 9th grade i didnt want to be touched at all. i would hug certain people but i really prefered not to. not only because i was scared but because i didnt feel that anyone wanted to touch me anyway. i had a bad break up with a boyfriend where i basically disappeared, we hugged sometimes but that was really all. after him, when i had boyfriends, they didnt hold my hand or hug me or anything like that - and definately never kissed. but i had a boyfriend in 9th grade, who is my dear friend now, who changed that. i met him because i dropped my pencil after art class one day and he picked it up and gave it to me, he figured out that his locker was by mine and he came over and said hi to me because we had the same friends. we ended up dancing at homecoming (he was the first guy i ever danced with besides dance classes) after that we ended up dating for a month and a half and he would give me hugs every morning and sometimes kissed me on the cheek. (he was the first guy to ever kiss me too, even though only on the cheek) even after we broke up we have been friends ever since and since him i havent been as afraid of touching people. thanks tony! :)

Astrapophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
its like a post-traumatic stress type of thing. when i was 4 and still lived with both of my parents there was a really bad thunderstorm. i yelled for my parents but they were in thier own rooms and couldnt hear me and my sister's crib was in thier room as well. i wasnt tall enough to reach the doorknob yet so i couldnt get out of my room. it was lots of thunder and lightning, hard rain and hail and i was really scared, not to mention the window...but i was really scared. whenever it storms i feel completely hopeless and at the first roll of thunder, the tears are ready to pour. Over the years, my fear has gone up and down but it never leaves. there was a couple times where i wasnt scared at all but those times are rare. im not as scared now because of a lucky poem i have, from a wonderful i fell in love with this summer :) just a fortunate incident where i read what he wrote and the storm calmed down...and i treasure it. always will :) <3

Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.
its more of the being forgotten part that bothers me...because to me, memories are precious. i try my best not to forget things because i have a really bad memory and im afraid i will forget things that i dont want to forget. i tend to forget good memories and remember the bad more vividly...im trying very hard to change that. being forgotten, to me, seems like one of the worst things that can happen to someone. sometimes its good to forget about someone if they hurt you really badly but its usually impossible... when people forget me, it breaks my heart. i feel so unimportant, its like telling me "i forgot you therefore you shouldnt exist" and it freaks me out to be forgotten...its one of my worst nightmares. when people forget things i tell them it really upsets me because im thinking "what are they going to forget next?" and i just hope and pray that they wont forget me..

Ereuthrophobia - Fear of blushing.
i get embarrassed really easily and blush alot, but i really hate to blush and when i do i cover my entire face with my hands. im afraid to reveal my blushing face!! its an odd fear...but it is there lol. one time somebody told me i had an ugly blushing face so i started to cover it then started to hate it, then i was afraid to blush.
 (i am still afraid to blush)

Meteorophobia - Fear of meteors.
i watched something on the discovery channel and that did it lol i'm afraid all the time that i'll look up in the sky and see a shooting star, but then the star crashes into the earth and we all die...its a horrible phobia but im getting over it a little, as long as i dont watch programs on meteors then i'll be fine.

Ommetaphobia – the fear of eyes.
 and Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.
they go hand in hand, im afraid of eye contact and people looking me in the eye. because to me the eyes are the gateway into a person's mind and i think they'll be able to see straight through me or read me directly and see my vulnerability and most times when people look me in the eyes i turn away immediately but every once in a while there are people who i let look straight at me.
i also hate to be directly stared at, it makes me feel like i'm being attacked, i dont show it but i freak out on the inside when people stare at me.

Psellismophobia- Fear of stuttering.
i had a bad stuttering problem around the middle of my freshman year of high school...some of my friends found it adorable, others and myself thought it was weird and annoying. i'm always afraid i will start stuttering again and i think while i'm talking to keep from stuttering, so you can tell when...

Taphophobia- Fear of being buried alive
i heard a story when i was little and i had dreams that it had happened to me, the dreams got worse as people ignored me because i thought that if i fell asleep they would think i died and bury me then not notice that i wasnt dead, it's a stupid phobia i guess but its there..

Wiccaphobia: Fear of witches and witchcraft.
there was this girl, i met her a long time ago, like a few years. well i drew a picture of jesus while i was at my friend's house and the wiccan girl lived with my friend. she said she didnt like my drawing and said she would cast a spell on me so that i couldnt draw for a long time. i laughed about it because i didnt believe it would work but after a few days my wrist started to hurt really bad on my writing hand and i couldnt draw anything good or write legibly for about 2 weeks...witchcraft has creeped me out ever since.

well thats just some stuff...not that anyone was interested, haha

Monday, January 4

today was boring...

today was my first day back in school...i didnt want to go AT ALL! i was thinking of just dying or something to get out of going XD but we're supposed to be getting some snow tonight...which i will not be happy about unless it at least gets us a delay. nothing much eventful happened today, besides that i didnt get yelled at at all (THATS A FIRST THIS YEAR!) and we had a dumb substitute teacher in psychology who i've heard bad things about...i didnt bother to do my work because i've heard that teacher LOST a weeks worth of work in someones class and made some teachers mad. she would answer me and the girls besides me with an attitude as well even though we were speaking in correct tone...which i didn't understand.

and finally, my new years resolution:
to be in a band that actually works out.

lets see how that goes XD
i've always wanted to be a lead singer...
i could be a lead singer/bassist like peter steele :D
except im about 2 feet shorter and 30 years younger...
and a girl......
and i probably wouldnt play bass as a lead,
i dont know how to write songs that way yet
but when i figure it out, ITS ON!


i got back my razorblade necklace for christmas XD
wow that is such an ugly picture... o.o
but yeah i love that necklace ^_^ kinda lost it though...
and the chain was too long XD XD XD
but i have another one! its old haha and idk what it is...
found something on the ground and put it on an old chain i had 
but hey whatever works hahaha, 
and funny thing is 
that it looks better than that!! 

hahahaha poor necklace has been pwned by litter! XD

Sunday, January 3

Catching up.

(no edit)
i wasnt having such a good day yesterday, i was feeling down. i woke up numerous times from nightmares and so on and i felt bad about the night before and i hadn't talked to nick the whole day. i had been moping around my house the entire day until i got a text from my next door neighbor Emily. 
She was my best friend for years back when we were in elementary school but she moved to Colorado to live with her dad and now she's back since the summer. we hadn't hung out in a really long time and she text me and said "hey wanna go to the mall? i get off work at 4 and we can walk there together!" i said sure and got ready then she knocked on the door and we were off.
it was really cold but we were getting there anyhow, she said it was nothing since she's used to the weekly blizzards of Colorado.i'm more of a summer girl (although i like winter colors? wierd...) we went to a bunch of stores and reminisced on random memories.
we used to hang out every single day after school and play sims and make paper dolls, haha it was good times. we are almost tempted to actually look at our old drawings and things, they're still at my grandma's. 
me and her always get along so well, because we both have a twisted sense of humor and its non-stop laughing with us. it was nice to catch up with her.

later that night i got a surprise visit from Nicko, and i was definately surprised...and embarrassed XD
i was wearing houseclothes only so i looked bad and i was like "Oh @#%$!" and his friends were with him too
so the ones who didnt know me were probably thinking to themselves "eww nick's dating an ugly little troll..."
but i got a hug so it was all good ^_^
and then i stole another hug lol

today we've been talking all day, which i am very happy about ♥ 
i've been experimenting with photoshop as well and posted a few creations from earlier
i'm trying to get better >.<
i think im ok for being a beginner...
no not really lol

well, i was just updating, cuz i havent said much in a while lol
i've been down lately but i'm fine now so no more worries ^_^

"Did you really say 'who is Ville Valo?'"

(photo is edited by me original here) Some one asked me on formspring the other day "i really like the angel picture of Ville Valo you edited on your blog...but who is he? haha" i answered: "DID YOU SAY WHO IS VILLE VALO!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! its in the post!! well he's my favorite singer/songwriter and lead singer of the band HIM from Finland. he writes the most amazing lyrics, im telling you, you HAVE to listen to this band. Love Metal = <3"

i think everyone should know who he is
and some people dont find him attractive,
but i do!

but its not completely the physical attributes
its mostly the talent and personality

i discovered ville valo from watching Jackass when i was younger
As you should know by now he is the singer for the band HIM
i loved the band from the get-go and started listening more and more
Ville Valo not only has an amazing talent to put his emotions into writing and the way he sings
his lyrics are romantic, emotional and poetic which is just my style
and i've seen interviews of him and videos of him and Bam Margera and others and he seems so personable and nice, he has a sense of humor and a cute laugh haha
singing wise, i've never really heard a voice sounding like his or the way he sings

looks wise, he's just as attractive as his personality is
the long, brown hair, the pretty eyes, nice skin
the shape of his face, a sweet smile
he's really lean,
close to perfection (to me)

he also paints, btw and the band logo the heartagram is a symbol he created himself when he was twenty years old, it's a cross between a heart and a pentagram and has a similar meaning to a yin yang. i have a dvd with an interview  of him saying that among other things.

a quote from Ville: 
"i've got a big heart and a small brain"

he's like me, i'm the same way.

i'd advise you all to check out the band HIM and listen to thier lyrics, or just look up the lyrics themselves.
listening to the songs he's written helps me not feel alone sometimes because i can empathize with the emotions in his lyrics and thier songs. 
every feeling of love i've ever had, he has expressed in a song.
thats why i love this band so much.
its an inspiration to me.

songs i've been listening to lately:
Killing Loneliness
And Love Said No
Bleed Well
Wicked Game
Passion's Killing Floor
Venus Doom
Razorblade Kiss

latest creations!

ville valo is amazing...
just sayin lol

i took some screenshots from the Killing Loneliness video and made this from it...
im experimenting with text effects now and figuring out how to do image layers
i feel kinda stupid, cuz adding in another image is as simple as "paste" ...literally
i thought it would be some complicated thing...but nope -_-'
if i make anything else i'll add more to this post

here's one i made today
screen shot and lyrics from "and love said no..."

screenshots formed to this picture from "bleed well"

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