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Thursday, February 10

good post gone bad....i have nothing to say..

nick has been super sweet lately ^_^ yesterday was so fun talking to him even though we didnt get to hang out. he was so cute :) he keeps saying how much he misses me and asked me to hang out...actually wants to try tomaro...i'm so excited that he's being sweet again ^_^
 you hid something from me...and i knew you did it, but i just knew you didn't because you were being so sweet and acting like you cared and being so nice, asking to hang out even...i was so excited and happy...and you call agi? when you know how hurt i am by it and i told you i would break up with you if you talked to her again...remember when you did that last time and you begged me not to leave you? you might want to do that again...i'm not playing this shit anymore. you said you were done doing this, you said you blocked her number, she's not on your facebook anymore and that you dont text her anymore...do you know what the hell is going through my head right now? you said you dont feel anything for her anymore...then why cant you stay away? the whole month of november is "hers" and you said you hate her...then why cant i have one weekend? you love me but i cant have a month to myself...so what do you think i am thinking? i bet you can take a guess...
here's something for you...
if you want me to forgive you then come to my house and get on your knees and beg
make me something thoughtful or write a note to me, anything you can think of
apologize for every time you  hurt me, and i want a good apology
think really hard and figure out what you're going to say to me..
then dont do it ever again. just like you promised.

you said that when i'm mad i dont do anything about it...you told me that sometimes i should take more charge when i want something...maybe this will make you realize how serious i am. i wont leave you, but you better prove that i mean something.

i am in a bad mood, i am furious, i am jealous and i feel very sick and violent.
sorry everyone. i am extremely angry.

i'm going to take a few days hiatus if i need to. my head is not on straight.
my whole life is a mess and nothing is going my way...and i thought it was going to but i just got big time let down. 

here's some pictures i took last night

goodbye. maybe blog on the weekend.

Wednesday, February 9

this morning i am excited
today me and nicko are hanging out
 so i am very very happy
today i woke up early and did my makeup...
like it? it is a fade from teal to purple with pink above the lid
bright pink blush (not very visible. . . )
mascara on bottom lashes and top are curled with liquid eyeliner :)
i think i like it  even with my hair curly
and remember those clips i wanted from hot topic? got them :)
i wore 2 of the zebra ones today
^ that pic is not edited...only the frame :)
i was talking to nick this morning about being 18
there is a tattoo i designed that we are both supposed to get
and i want it...now!!
but i want us to go get them together :)
so i thought a piercing would be better...cost less too
i wanted my nose or lip again but i'm trying to get a job. . . - ___ -
so he said my bellybutton...and i agree :D
i've wanted a bellyring since i was little...plus i have a nice tummy ;D
it kinda looks like i'm wearing falsies here on the bottom...
i like it though ^_^ i think i look cute today
welll...hoping to have a good day :)
i have 2 lectures and  Alex gave me his lunch card because he doesnt use it so i can eat for free at school now :D
very happy ^_^ byebye

Tuesday, February 8

sick, birthday disaster, anime edit and a drawing

yesterday i stayed home sick...today, still sick
but i hate to miss school because i like to listen to lectures
and i learn from them and get a grade for note taking..
i think i either ot sick from food or nickie's baby
and i can never sleep...last night i'm up still at 3:45...
my alarm goes off at 5 >_< leave the house by 6:30
forgotit was trash day and had to pee but everyone was in the bathroom
i asked politely if i could have a turn since i only had 4 minutes...
she said no so i said i would pee on her and started pulling down my pants...
i know, so gross but she gets up every time xD
---------------------OH NO!-----------------------
i just remembered i have a coockies and cream chocolate bar in the freezer and forgot to bring it to eat D: ahh!! FML!
i hate when i forget about candy...
how do you forget about candy??!!?!
my birthday did not go as planned >_<
the school part was awesome! best school day ever
one of my friends made me cookies
and one told me she was getting me a present
but kaitlyn wasnt at school so i was a little down
but i tried to keep my head up ^_^
after school i went to see nicko ^_^
i was so happy! we had some fun and played some games
lots of kisses and cuddles too :)
i like those from him alot :D
........then everything went totally wrong
i was sad that nick wasnt coming with me for dinner
but then i found out i was having 5 extra guests
and that was not what i planned!!!!
i hate when things don't go the way i want when they've been planned already
i do not like bad surprises like that
when we got to the restaurant we had to wait a long time
then the food i got made me sick :(
and nickie's baby puked on me -_-
it wasnt just normal puke...it like shot out at me >_< eww
and the people sang to me happy bday
looking at me like i was an alien -.-
was supposed to see nick saturday but he cancelled and hung out with a bunch of people so i was really mad that he didnt even try to invite me...i didn't want to be at home ...
sunday he cancled again and got mad at me for wanting to hang out so much
he has no idea what all was going on in an outside of my head...i needed someone there for me this weekend 
my sister and uncle were at my house driving me crazy and my mom was out shopping so he had nowhere to go (he's autistic and gma doesnt like him to be home alone)
tehya was erking my nerves and my uncle fell asleep on the stairs and snored really loud and then tehya turned on music and i went insane! there was no where in the house i could go to get away from it i could always here them even with headphones.. i tried to text people but no one would answer so i had nowhere to go and tehya stole my key to gmas so i was stuck...so i left...
i packed up a bag went for a walk for about two hours and then i got tired and sat at olympian club and wrote and drew and ate some stuff i brought and listened to music off my laptop...i didn't plan on going to home that night i was just going to wonder around until i passed out somewhere even if it was my back yard. i didn't care who or what i wanted to get away from everybody...yes everybody...with the way everything was going, how nothing was going as planned, nothing my way, and my jealousy (the worst part...by far) was making me almost not care about anything. it made me wish i would have done what all the other 18 year olds do, buy cigarrettes. and i would have smoked the whole pack if i did and i had money with me was right next to the gas station and i thought about it so hard...because i was so close to not caring about anything that i backhandedly hurt myself. smoking is bad...but to most people it is an acceptable form of bad. because so many people do it... and i'm sure my mind is in a bad place if i am wanting to do that still when i know what it can do to me..
see this...this is why i don't ever think positive about anything. what is it worth to hope? it doesnt matter... because when i hope for the best everything goes wrong. the opposite of what i want happens. when i get confident, i automatically get torn down and i feel worthless all over again. when something goes well for me, it gets cursed and ruined right as i finally get used to being happy and content...i don't know why i still hope at all anymore...because hope doesnt matter when what you hope for doesnt care. no matter how positive i think or how happy i try to be, something will always be in my way. no one can move it or get it out. i dont even know if i believe in God anymore...if i do, then he doesn't love me or he would tell me what i did wrong so i can fix it. 
my jealousy will be the death of me...i never really say how i feel about it either i always hide it...i just dont understand why you get a whole month just about you and he doesnt even love you. i should get a whole month...but i don't even get a weekend...fuck you..
i was in an editing mood when i was bored at the park and made this...
i posted the before picture first, then the edit i did
i did alot to it ^_^ i think i did a pretty good job...
i actually made 2 props on my own...the heart button and heartagram belt buckle
i used copy and paste types of things for the hair and extra chains
doesnt it look like me and nicko? ^_^

and here is a drawing i did before dance
me in anime form :D i drew it, took a little while >_>
i'm cutting my hair this way again :) thursday i hope

maybe blog later...i might take a short hiatus..bye

Sunday, February 6

Poem - True Love, Never Fade..

every picture is worth a thousand words
as is every tear
as i look at those many thousand words
and condense every fear

reaching out my shaking hands
just to feel your cheek
crawling and kneeling and prying my way
as i've let myself grow weak

open heart and open passage ways
to let you in, in all the ways
and then feeling the distance grow from day to day
just wishing that you don't fall away

every breathe of adoration
anxiety, hope and anticipation
the resting of of stressing mind
wishing there were good thoughts all the time

missing you is the hardest thing
i remember my permanent place under your wing
but as we walked i guess i tripped somewhere
and then you flew, high up in the air
"my angel, come back! i need you here!"
one feather dropped and landed in the hair by my ear
with a message lethargic of a paper, blank
and then my heart once again sank

my stomach turned over
my heart in my throat
wishing you don't mean it
but the words'd been spoke

small arms reach into the sky above
a cracking voice tries a prayer
the answer maybe only one can dream of

heal him

heal me

heal him

heal me

heal us

she weeps at heavens gate at God's feet
to save her love and her future, her life at its least

she loves him, cant you see?
is she special? is she beautiful?
do you love her? don't you see?
that she's hopeful, but she's hopeless
she needs help, and now she pleads
that she's weeping, that she's pained?
that she loves him and it's rained?
out all the blood, from her face?
that she needs everything in it's place?

she wants and she needs
she desires and she pleads
"true love, never fade.
please, true love, don't let us fade.."
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