describing me.
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Saturday, October 17


(ignore this post i was just ranting cuz i was upset)
my boyfriend just said that he was with his ex-girlfriend at her job and that he loves her and he's sorry...
i know he's not sorry...
why did i even try...
how could i possibly think someone actually loved me?
how dumb am i?
i'm dumber than dumb.
how did i end up like this again?
i'm devistated
devistated over the one person who picked up the pieces
just to make me happy after the last time my heart was broken
i am one stupid girl.
he conviced me to take a chance
and i was scared
but i took it.
i was happy
i was in love
now im crushed over that same person
i was about to send him "happy sweetest day"
but i saw a new message so i looked...
this is what i made for him

i spent forever trying to make them perfect...
i wrote a long note to go with it and i was gonna sing him the song i wrote him
but i cant do that now...
that's the last time i take a chance like that
i always, always, always, get my f@#!ing heart ripped to shreds
and no one gives a shit about it
im just another girl...
i'll never be someone's one and only
i'll never be that person someone loves forever
i'll never have the perfect person for me
i'll just die alone
and hopefully soon
because i really am just sick of life
and i don't want it anymore

Friday, October 16

Poem - Rephrased

these uncommon thoughts
flow through my mind
at a
my heart flutters
a butterfly
of the time
when you smile, i
can't look away
i can only
the words you said
to me that day
can never

Poem - New Flame

i had a match and lit a flame
and it was lit for a long time
longer than it should hanve, i now know
i should have blown it out back then
before i had the chance, i wa soutside
and it started storming
then the flame went out on its own
and never gave me a chance to save it
the match lied on my nightstand
watching me as i slept at night
but then i threw it away, finally
and it fell to ashes
i bought a new pack of matches
and then i found the last one left
now i've lit a new flame
and it hasn't gone out yet

Thursday, October 15

i take too many pictures.

what? its true! i admit it...i take too many pictures. there, happy now? haha.
today i decided i was going to snap a few pictures of the leaves outside because they were just starting to change colors. i look over and find this berries...
first thought that goes through my head:
"hey, my names berry! :D"
second thought:
"those are the same color as my guages! :D"
"i'm hungry, but those are probably poisonous..."
"i wanna take pictures with them :D"
so i took pictures with them lol

do you see this? its the product of having no life.

Photography - Autumn's Arrival

finally autumn arrives here in ohio, my favorite time of the year. i love the colors in these. the first picture is my indefinate favorite. i love the way its so colorful in fall its always nice to have a break from being blinded by the sun all summer, but i do love summer dont get me wrong :) i think each season has its own trademark, like spring has rain, winter has snow, fall has its color and summer has the bright sun. i like to capture them all.

Wednesday, October 14


i really love coffee, i must say.
its just sooo good, i cant even begin to say lol
i like it with whipping cream the best but i almost always use milk or drink it black. haha that reminds me of a song i love by Mindless Self Indulgence "the bass, the rock, the mic, the treble; i like my coffee black just like my metal." ahh, that was my theme song for a second lol.
i don't drink it every day but i do drink it sometimes and yes, i make the best of it :) i like warm coffee better than iced coffee but it depends on my mood. i really really love Kahlua flavored coffee, its by my favorite coffee brand, Caffiend. it says it's coffee for junkies, haha. they really do have the best flavors, mocha, kahlua, carmel...carmel's what i made today, hehe. big burst of energy right there! i had a huge hyper strike! i ran around the house doing the caramelldansen (look it up on youtube if you dont know what it is) and i was singing it in Swedish...LOLZ then i sang along "teddy bear" by Smile.DK loud & obnoxiously, its a site i'm sure no one wanted to see.
but yeah, i love coffee.

My logo :D

i painted this over a year ago, it's watercolors. i edited it and made it into a logo :) its a symbol i made inspired by the heartagram and the ying yang, i was watching my HIM dvd and i heard how Ville Valo created the heartagram when he was 20 and how it was like the ying yand with the heart as good and the pentagram as evil. i was listening to the band and watching the videos then the song "in joy and sorrow" came on and i began to get an image in my mind. i grabbed my paints and paper and went to work. the tear is the sorrow and the heart (love) is the joy. it may be my favorite creation :)

Tuesday, October 13

Photography - In the Night

i took this about a week ago i think, i love it :) i wish it was better quality though...i took this with my phone. i tried to get a picture with my camera but it doesnt do well at night for some reason :/ i need a better one, but this will have to do for now. what i really need is a job. lol

Monday, October 12

A good start to a bad weekend.

Thats a picture of me from Friday before going to a party with my boyfriend. It was at his friend's house (i would call him my friend too but i dont know if he'd want me to) and there was alot of people there or at least it was alot to me, haha. Probably because when i have parties, no one comes. But it was fun and im glad i went :)

the next day, was bad...it was my mom's Birthday and the day of my old friend Mary Jo's funeral so everyone was bummed..and that night was my Homecoming which i missed for the second year in a row :(

sunday wasn't as bad, my friend amber threw a second homecoming and i went to that...but i went alone. Not as many people came as planned but people did come. She threw it because her boyfriend couldnt go to our school's so she wanted to surprise him, which was the cutest thing ever. It was like a second chance for me to cuz i couldnt go either. When i got home, i was stuck locked out freezing for about 2 hours until my mom got home & i was sad...but o well

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i've got so much going on right now its so overwhelming...every two seconds i feel like i'm going to burst into tears and im always holding them back. alot of people keep asking me if i'm ok, i want to say does it look like i am? i get so tired of being asked that so i just say i'm fine. there are some people who are trying to make me happy but nothing is really helping...i wish it was and i thank them for their efforts, i really do appreciate it <3 it's just that sometimes there is almost nothing anyone can do...

i wish i could just go for a long walk in the night.
i wish i could just lay down and cuddle and watch movies wrapped in a warm blanket.
i wish i could just go get one of those caramel lattes from Panera and sit there and talk.
i wish i could just pour my heart out and cry on someone's shoulder.
i wish i could just have one day where i was just happy, at least for a few hours.
i wish i could just lay in the grass and stare at the stars one night.
i wish i could just get a good surprise for once...
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