describing me.
view my [[twitter :: resource site :: msn :: youtube :: boyfriend]]

Wednesday, December 29

i miss you :(

i talk to you all day long. on the phone, somethimes the computer too. i can't go a day without talking to you, or i feel wrong, like something is missing.. it hurts me, alot.. you make me happy. you've got a really sweet personality and your randomness makes me confused but want to hug you at the same time. i love when you make faces at me on webcam, and how your new laptop automatically zooms up on your nipple when your shirt is off. xD its hilarious. i love how you say i love you an average of every 13 minutes and how you yell "KITTAY!" whenever i start staring off into space and get lost out of the conversation. i think its cute how every time i say "whats up" it takes you 10 minutes to answer and all you say is "huh?" and i love putting your randomness as my facebook statuses. i love hearing your voice and how you spontaneously burst into song.
i can hear you
i can see you
i can feel you
but there is one thing missing,
i can not touch you..
i'm happy, you're right...i'm happy to have you, i'm happy that you're mine, i'm happy that you make me happy...but i never get to see you, up close, in person; no kisses or hugs.. i want to kiss you and touch your face, i want to hold your hand, i want to feel your breath on my ear when you whisper to me...everything.. i miss the days where we would see eachother every single day....every day, turned to 3 times a week, that turned into weekends, now...maybe it's once a month..
i'm jealous of anyone who sees you..
i miss everything we used to do together...we used to go to the mall, we used to go to the movies, hang out with people, go to parties, out to eat...i never really did those things with anyone else, only you. we used to hang out every single little chance we got, and i still try, but it's never a yes.. i have had alot of patience with you...we've been through alot with eachother, sometimes i was scared i would lose you and sometimes i even wanted to leave, sometimes it took everything in me to hold myself together, but being able to see you made it so much easier. because when something bad happened, you would come here or have me over there, we would walk to meet half way and you would hold me and reassure me that everything would be okay. now, everything hits harder. i'm more sensitive than i was.. i'm always worried that you're trying to get away from me or you hate me or something, even though i know its not true i always get scared now because i can't come see you. you only live a few streets over.. i remember when we were first dating, i was scared to hang out with you all the time, i wanted to see you every day, but i didn't think i could. one day you told me, that if i ever wanted you to come over to just say "bitch come over!" and that you would be there. i wish that still worked, although i would never call you that...
i pray every day and night that your IBS would go away, but it justs seems to get worse.. this syndrome has broken my heart more than agatha ever did... and you know that means it's bad.. your stomach has taken  you away from me.. we can't even go to church together. i can't even stay at your house all day like we used to, because even i make you sick now. if there was a way, i would kill it and take it away. i would cure it and make you better then you can be mine again right? so we can do everything we used to do and then you can take me to prom and we can go on vacation together or the festival! or at least grocery shopping! i wish it was that easy...baby, i'm going crazy.. i try so hard to keep my cool but i miss you so much and it hurts so bad. you know how vivid my memory is, long term...i remember everything, every look, sound, feeling...but memories arent vivid enough to feel a physical touch.. you're my sanity, my lover, my best friend...my everything.
i just need you to hold me..

Tuesday, December 28


i cannot express my true feelings on here... unless in the form of a song or poem, but that is not raw. it leaves out parts and keeps you pressed away by symbolism that only people close to me would possible understand.
you see, all of my feelings are strong.
whether it is happiness or sadness, particularly rage, they are all in depth, immense, and currently...suppressed. they are condensed about to the point of eruption.
after a while, i don't think i'll be able to take it. but...i do not want to explode.. in the past year and a half, i haven't.. but i almost did about a month ago. because i hold in all of my feelings, i'm even more sensitive than i used to me, which is bad..
my heart has been through alot.. and i have a strong heart, and every punch thrown, i can take it...but they still hurt. and my bruises never show, so nobody knows but me.
sometimes i scare myself with the way i feel...i have to try really hard to keep myself under control, i hate to say things i don't mean.. or things that i don't know if i mean..

this blog is fun to me...it's me, but its not as much my feelings anymore..
which is the reason i created this blog in the first place, for my writing...my writing is my feelings
but i stopped posting all of my poems.. i didn't want any reactions that i didn't want.. and no one ever reads those anyway.

i'm still going to have this as my main blog, but i think i will make a separate blog so i can write out my feelings...it will be a private, invite only blog. not public. maybe..

i don't know.

bottom line is, i've got a hell of alot on my mind.

Monday, December 27

c h r i s t m a s ~

this was me on christmas :)
my i was all red and green-y :D

here's some of the stuff i got for christmas! :D
i got a new phone finally! with a new cell carrier
i can now send international texts and use mobile web ^_^
hehehe...i like it alot :]
 also, my dad came up here with his gf, she's really nice and her name is Mierna. she gave me this ladybug ring :) i love it...kinda vintage looking ^_^ <3 and my dad got me my phone as well..
my mom got me these pants for christmas :D
they're spandex ^_^ nick would like them...a little too much xD
they're beyond form fitting i must say >_>
but they are very comfortable :D
well that's about all for now :)
probably more wordy posts later....
as i am needing to vent some anger lol
j  a  h  a  n  e ♥

Friday, December 24

have a berry merry christmas ^_^

Tuesday, December 21

better pic of my hair :)

believe it or not, the only re-touching i did was to darken my skin and made the bg lighter.
everything else is natural :D
i feel so much more confident with my black hair back...it makes my acne show up less and my eyes brighter :)
it makes me want to wear more colorful clothes now that my hair has no color...
i wanna go shopping :D

dying my hair :D

taken last night during the process xD

and now after! i love it ^_^
will post better pictures of it soon.
well i am confused :|
i can't doodle for some reason :/
i was kinda sad when nick told me that people were like picking on him because of them...
so i untagged him from the pictures on FB and hid the album from all his friends
hopefully that helps :/
i was afraid that would happen...
i wasn't thinking of it as a childish thing...more of just creative :/ when i get inspired i take it out on art, i just wanted to make drawings that were as cute as we are
:( i wont post anymore on facebook though......just on here and maybe deviantART if i ever get back on xD
i feel bad now :/ they probably arent gonna leave him alone about it...
ugh :( i always mess up somehow
my ID picture turned out really ugly xD
its really unfortunate lol
the first pic was good, but i wanted to retake cuz i smiled too big and my gums were showing but at the last minute my mom said "put your head up" and now i look like i have a giant fat chin :(
>_< and she wonders why i never listen to her hahah
i had the wiiiieeeeerdest dream lastnight
i swear i felt like i was on drugs or something....
it was a bad dream, but it was kind of funny in a really disturbing way because of how ridiculous it was
i really don't know how i feel about that dream @_@
so wierd...and awkward...and what not you know? eeek....
yeah im gonna stop thinking about that now xD
i'll post some better pics of my hair in a bit ^_^
ttyl, gonna make food and take a couple pictures :)

Monday, December 20

short upddate / tag

short update:
 going to renew my military ID today
 re-dying my hair to black
 me and nicko had a "who's gonna get more sick today" battle this morning xD
 i fell off the bed and was too lazy to get up...lol
i did not want to wake up this morning -_-
 also been having a lot of bad dreams lately :/ they stopped for a while...but now they came back and i'm going crazy >_< they make me think about things and want to be mean. i even realized something that i didn't realize before and now i am FURIOUS!!!! i want to be good and nice :( no going off >_< bad bad bad!!!
 also just found out my dad is coming here from christmas..........with his new girlfriend :\........

stole this tag from KenKen :)

1. Why did you create this blog?
i made it solely for my writing. i thought of the title "Sincerely, Berry" since my writing is about my feelings, and my poems are like letters to the people or situation that they are about. then i started posting my photography, then pictures of me, then my blog evolved into a whole personal site along with all of my art. then i started following rabbito and some of the links she posted that got me into pixelling and adoptables and now i just do everything haha.

2. What kind of blogs do you follow?
personal, fashion, art and a couple of lolitas. mostly foreign, i only follow a couple of american blogs.

3. Favourite makeup brand?
hmm hmm hmm....um covergirl or kiss
i havent tried many brands though

4. Favourite clothing brand?
Ironfist or lip service...cant afford either one xD

5. Your indespensible makeup product:
eyeliner or mascara

6. Your favourite colour:
purple and green ^_^ a certain shade of blueish purple.

7. Your perfume:
I'm all out :(

8. Your favourite film:
Sleepy Hollow, maybe... Sherlock Holmes too :) both are good just different..

9. What country would you like to visit and why?
ahhhh Finland!!! its so pretty there ^_^ and my favorite band is from there...one of my old twitter friends saw Ville Valo just chillin outside of a coffee shop...i wanna meet him too :( he's my #2 biggest inspiration! was #1 till Nicko came around ;) love that boy ♥

10. Make the last question yourself and answer: What is one thing you're looking forward to in the near future?
the 30th is me and Nicko's 1 year and 6 month anniversary! i am very happy and excited :) we're also planning our oldschool date ♥ i hope we can do that for our anni :) either way, cant wait!

tag to anyone who reads this :)

gift from rabbito chan :D

she doodled me back  :D

Sunday, December 19

For Rabbito :)

hope you like it ♥


not so wordy, but just pics :)
christmas cookies i got at church today! really good with coffee :)
on my plate:
reese cup cookie - chocolate m&m pretzels - choco chip cookie - chocolate cookie - peanut butter kiss cookie - gingerbread man
went to the habachi grill! drinkin rootbeer :)
clear soup ♥
salad w/ ginger dressing
**habachi shrimp | fried rice | veggiez**
green tea ice cream ♥
sorry i not in a very posty mood :( not a bad mood, just not posty :) will blog tomaro <33

Saturday, December 18

:D this is cute haha

happy birthday nicko :D

it's nick's birthday ^_^

i took this when he wasnt looking...
but he caught me xD
my baby's birthday is today :) he said he hates his birthday though...i don't really know why but he does. i didn't want him to have a miserable day though :( i wanted him to have a good day ^_^
so i did something super cute!
i made him heart-shaped pancakes~
they were pink ^_^ then put red sugar sprinkles on top to decorate~
i put my laptop and some syrup in my bag
and got to his house at 9AM...
he looked so surprised when i got there and so happy!
his face was red for a second and made me really happy :)
i stayed over for a little and we took some pictures on webcam~

i love that last pic <333 my new fav =)

and you know how i said if i saw him yesterday my day would be perfect??
i saw him yesterday ^_^
he's so cute! more pictures!
these are actually screenshots from a video i made that i'll upload very soon to my vlog :)

i love us <33 we're so silly~
we're supposed to eat at the chinese buffet today too :)
can't wait!! ttyl ♥

Friday, December 17

i am having a great day :D

the orchestra concert went very well! i actually liked it 
they did Carol Of The Bells and then the Show Choir preformed and did great 
props to all of you guys 


today in FMP, my day was made :)
one of the students i mentor, her name is Kristen, gave me a Christmas card!
right when i came into class she handed to me
my reaction:  ...for me?
she nodded  it made me really happy
i got a rice crispie too :) one of my favorites 
it really made my day better that someone actually thought of me..
sometimes i cant really tell the impact i make on people until they show me,
and then i feel really special :)

Kristen, if you read this, thank you so much!!!

now if i actually get up the courage to go to nick's then my day will be perfect ^_^
gonna go try to doodle now, ttyl ♥
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