describing me.
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Saturday, March 20

"why do you break?"

i went to a break dancing show last night and got to meet legendary b-boy Ken Swift
i found out he used to write grafiti back in the day and got to talk to him a little
it was a show, like a tribute to honor him by his dancers. it was pretty cool
my favorite part was the kung-fu scene, never saw anything like it

today, i went to a break dance battle
crews from all over the country came
there was a b-boy named Glass, Xioalin Funk Clan, Xioalin Funk Crew, Kawaii, Matt squared and a few more crews
the crew that won was Matt Squared, from Puerto Rico
showin some Boricua pride :)
they werent my favorite, but they were still good
i really thought that Glass or Xioalin Funk Crew was gonna win
i took some video's which i'll post as soon as i can :)

Friday, March 19

history test sucked

this weekends probably gonna be crap
it will be i already know
i have alot of patience. i'll just keep waiting
not in a good mood, and not very happy at all
pretty much feel like being done with life right now

Poem - Spring Mourning

spring is nice, or at least the weather
it doesn't mean your mood has to be the same
even when its sunny, in my mind, it still rains

i've grown so tired and bothered that its starting to really hurt
but at least now, i can wear my favorite shirts without being cold
 or at least not cold on the outside

my frustration has gotten so strong that it is pushing me to the edge,
i never really thought i would be at the tip of a cliff like this
now i have one desicion: to jump off
                                      or keep myself up

i'll think about which one seems to be the better choice
although not one looks better than the other at the moment
so i will let you decide for me, when you decide to come back
                                                    if you decide to come back

i'll sit on my doorstep and watch the cars pass by,
just a way to pass the time. but i know you wont drive by
i'll really be watching the grass hoping maybe a bug will jump out

  i want to see butterflies
i want to have butterflies

but i don't want the rain

Thursday, March 18

Poem - Another Untitled

Here i am again, in this familiar place
i have this feeling in my stmach that i just cant seem to erase
i dont ike this subject for my mind to chase,
as i feel the blood rushing away from my face
going pale with my heart in my throat
i die a little more as each word i wrote
trying not to choke on each breath i toke
i have grown cold and am withouta coat
i am lost but without a scapegoat
i look at youu with the subtle eyes of a lost kitten
longing for you to find me and forever i'll sit in
this whole i dug because i will never fit in
and thinking of all of these letters i havent sent but have written*

newest Ville edit

this is my new favorite :)

science test today

that was pretty easy...
i heard that was the hardest but that wasnt really that hard
the extended responses were alot easier than the multiple choice in my opinion
some of those multiple choice questions required too much thought @_@
i think i did good...
tomoro is history, which i am afraid i may do bad on
im not so good with history
but i will pass for my Advisor, Rabbito, Nick and anyone else who thinks i can do it ^_^
you guys are awesome :)

Wednesday, March 17

today i applied for a job at GameStop
lets hope i get it :)

[ t e s t i n g t e s t i n g o n e t w o t h r e e ]

today was the writing portion of the test, im pretty sure i did good :)
nick said he knows i will do good because writing is my "thing"
i had 2 and a half hours to take the test...
but it only took me 40 minutes to do it, so i've been on my laptop 
comes in handy when im bored ^_^

im looking foreward to math class the next two days,
today is my friend's birthday and st. patricks day but pie day was recent too...
my teacher combined all the days so...
we bring in something circular (like pie) and free days for stevens birthday :)
then friday and thursday we get to watch movies
the rest of the week should be good for me
wish me luck on my last 2 tests :)
(click to enlarge)
there is crazy details in this
...i was bored lol

Tuesday, March 16

ugh... okotte imasu...

 so, i officially hate church.
today i found out the days of spring break, and my dad asked me if i could come down to see him for spring break...the only problem is that i cant go. i have to do the lights for our church play.
this play has also been taking up my sundays,
and preventing me from seeing my all-time favorite band live
also about 2 hours ago, a childhood friend of mine was sent to the hospital with bleeding near his spleen
i havent seen him since i was 10, but i really hope he's alright :/
i guess you could say i'm becoming angry at the world..
i feel so lonely here, stuck at home by myself everyday with nothing to do,
i cant stay in my house anymore.
i dont care if i just walk around by myself all day, but i just cant be home anymore
im starting to feel trapped in here...and i really hate it more than ever now
testing the past 2 days have been good though,
my advisor is so confident that i will pass,
that she's going to give me a reward ifwhen i do
and i am still drawing on myself -_-'

things will get better soon


a doodle from my algebra notes

hello, brielle :)

she's a really good friend of mine,
always there when i need her :)

Lyrics - Until Our Lips Meet

i want to feel your arms around my waist and the pressure of your stare
so i can sense your warmth and the texture of your hair
then i want to caress your face
as i'm held tight in your embrace
and i'll draw you closer
                   and closer
                                  until our lips meet

feel me, feel me
baby, wont you heal me
i miss you and it hurts so bad
but when you hold me, i am so glad
love me, touch me
baby, dont you hush me
so i can tell you more and more
that i'll love you forever more

i want to hear your voice so softly in my ear
filling with "i love you"s and things i like to hear
and then i'll hold you close
and be near this love of which i chose
and i'll draw you closer
                   and closer
                                 until our lips meet

feel me, feel me
baby, wont you heal me
i miss you and it hurts so bad
but when you hold me, i am so glad
love me, touch me
baby, dont you hush me
so i can tell you more and more
that i'll love you forever more

Poem - Nightmare Summary, Goodnight

i am feeling distant and pushed away
slowly but surely, my perfect life has gone array
i did not want this, my nightmare, to exist
dreams should only be dreams
they should stay buried within the depths of sleep

i am lost and i am losing
i am hurt and i am hurting
i am cursed yet still cursing
   and i do know that this is wrong,
   nor do i mean to do so

kneel beside me, for i am ill
use every tool you can find and think of to try and fix me
teach me to float before i drown in my sorrows,
   for i long to see a life ahead

look into my eyes, do you see the blank stare?
it is almost as if i am not there...
from every scornful and burning glare,
i take them all in, but they tear me down

i am thinking of wandering into a familiar place,
and i wil follow the blue mouse there
i'll lay down and lok at the stars with the wind curling into my hair
she'll lay beside me and attempt to speak
although, she knows i hardly understand

i want to sleep and have sweet dreams as i did before
but this time, i would prefer to stay in my dream world

Poem - Untitled 5

there is a reason i hold on to your one hand with my two,
i cant let go of you
i cant let myself drop you because my grip is insecure
i lay my head on your chest to hear your heart beating
though it doesnt beat so loud, i still listen
the way you listen to me talk
i touch your face to make you smile
so sun can shine in on my stormy eyes
then i gaze upon your angel face to know everything will be fine
your starbursting eyes remind me that our love goes beyond the universe
your are my perfect image of beauty
on the inside and on the outside
all i can do is love you

Poem - I Do Remember Everything

i can't do it, but
don't worry about me
over all, all i am is this:
the world will be better, if i
can make it that way
and when i am ready,
everything will turn out fine
anyhow, i am useless
nothing is making sense in my head
you are all out to get me, i knew the whole time
may you please stop now...
on and on, i do

Poem - Thief of My Masterpiece

there you are, oh, welcome back
i see that you have come from my past to devour my future once again
i say to you please, don't do this to me, for i cant bear the pain.
what are you doing and where did you come from?
how dare you try to take what is rightfully mine?
no, i will not let you! you will not do this again!
not to me,
not again.

i see the way you can change people's minds,
molding them with your fingers, i see you have been practicing
now you have chosen the wrong subject to sculpt
i will not let you ruin this masterpiece!
this is true beauty, this is one of a kind, this is mine
this is the only thing i am unwilling to share, 
~  yet the one thing of mine everyone wishes to take

i wish you all to take my advice,
and my advice is to stop.

i am very genrous, yes, it is true...
but i would like to have this one thing to myself
my beautiful masterpiece.
my previous creation was small, 
precious, but small, and flawed
my creation had diminished within its self, but you were the help
you let the paint drip down off of the canvas
and then you laughed about it
but with this...
          with this, you can see the big picture

with this masterpiece, i will have a future
       this masterpiece will make me successful
       this masterpiece will give me something to be proud of
       this masterpiece is more important to me than any other creation of mine
       this masterpiece is my LOVE

my last creation, it fell apart,
                          it fell apart right as you entered my studio
as soon as your image fell onto my design, it could no longer be complete
your criticism was harsh and blunt
but you only criticized when no one else was around
you would look at me as if i was a friend, until all of my art supplies were away
then i was only another person for you to hurt...

do you not realize what you are doing?
if you had a beautiful creation such as mine, would you want it to ruin?
would you not care about the condition of the masterpiece its self?

and what about the beholder...
think of how the beholder of this masterpiece feels
this creation was God-sent to ME
this creation was made for ME

why must you come back?
you hurt me behind other's backs,
and the one's who's backs were turned never did a thing

you are going to give me unpleasant dreams,
i will end up drawing images onto my paper,
but not with the fluid grace of my hand,
but with the jaded rage in my heart that i will always have for you in the back of my mind

i will stand to be in your presence, but i will NOT let you ruin my masterpiece.

Art is LOVE, and LOVE is Beauty.
i have waited my entire life to hold something so spectacular,
                                                                    so beautiful,
                                                                    so perfect.

do you see this now?
do not steal from me, please.
i will beg you on my hands and my knees,
i will stay kneeling, begging to you until they are sore
please, please, do not take away my masterpiece.
i will not punish you for your wrong doings,
but i will silently scorn you for the rest of your days

do you now feel my desperation?
i am now weeping at your feet!
stay away and keep away, i cannot let you do this

Monday, March 15

i dont care how i look right now
my hair is everywhere, no make up
n    o    t    h    i    n    g
i have testing all week, so wish me luck

thats all.

i dont fit in.

its true, i dont.
i realized this a long time ago...
early on in gradeschool i realized i was "wierd"
people called me wierd all the time
i guess thats understandable...
i was the girl who thought even the ugliest dinosaur was cute
when i got to 6th grade i switched schools,
then there were different people...
they thought i was even wierder than the people before thought
middle school wasnt any better but i did find people who accepted my wierdness
in highschool all of my friends that i made graduated my freshman year
and i do have friends in my class but not many
last year wasnt too bad because i had a friend by my side the whole year
she goes to a different school now...
and then i had alot of senior friends who graduated that year also
this year i have come to school and still have some friends
but lost almost all of the ones i had in middle school
who were the most important people to me..
i dont fit in with one half of my family, and its the family that is always around
its really depressing to be sitting at a family reunion at a table by yourself
the other side of my family, i dont get to see much


i have only a few close friends and i have a boyfriend who is also my best friend

and alot of my "close" friends have almost nothing in common with me, we just get along really well
and they also dont really hang out with me either
the only person i hang out with is Nick, who i dont get to see as much now..

its not like i mean to be wierd, this is just how i am
i like different things than most people,
i think differently than most people (&they dont know the half of it)
i dont necessarily look like other people either...

its tough when you even look different
people have told me they know im not going to be typical just because of the way i look

the only bad part about that, is that its not usually a not-typical that people like
it frustrates me so much that i cant hang out with people just because im different and they dont like it..
i cant stand it!!

it really makes me hate myself more than people imagine
its so frustrating not being able to do things and i HATE being alone
i am always at my house alone
not because i choose to be, but because i have no where to go
i dont have a friend's house to go to
i dont have money to go places
i cant drive anywhere & if i could i have no car
and i dont have friends that drive

sometimes i really want to bash my head into the concrete until blood pours out of my head so that maybe just then i can knock some sense into myself. so then maybe i can finally stop being so wierd and be normal like everyone else. i dont want to be me anymore...why would i want to be someone i hate.

see  what some of my friends had to say
(click to enlarge)

2 collages

these were part of an art project, they are the inside covers of a book "sculpture" i made
i would show you the outside covers, 
but my project is in a display case at the moment
i am happy to say :)

the book's theme is love,
i was thinking of my own love when i was making it
some of the quotes if you cant read them:

first cover:
"remember that night"
"i was lucky enough to end up happy for the first time in my life"
"we seek inspiration"
"i'm fascinated by love"
"as beautiful as they look"
"a kiss is still a kiss"
"its a beautiful thing"

second cover:
"long live Love"
"let us show you hearts on fire"
"it feels right..."
"every day matters"
"as long as there are angels..."

although these are cut out from magazines,
i really did put alot of feeling into these
all of the awesomest facebook moments always have to do with Kasey
haha :)

follow her blog here

Sunday, March 14

lookin like a hobo on a sunday afternoon.

i got lazy with my hair.

today was just a Sunday, but a few good things happen
all having to do with the same subject:
after church, we went to kroger.
my mom went in to get a few things, then, to my surprise
she tells everyone to get out of the car.
in my head i was just like
she got into the passenger seat,
my sister got in the back seat,
and she told me to sit in the front...
i got to drive all the way home :)
and i am proud to say i didnt hit anything

man, those strawberries were fresh!!
i went to church again then i came home.
i ate a three way then had some amazing strawberries :)
i called my dad.
we talked about normal things,
like school and chores, and just life in general
he told me about how excited he is about his new girlfriend and that they went on a date yesterday to a lake
she's a cosmetologist & has an 8 year old son
she hasnt even met us and already wants to mess with our hair!! XD
he really seems to like her alot :)

then he started talking about my driving
he said if i get my permit now, then i can get driving school when i go to Texas
on the army base...for free!!
driving school usually costs about 600 $, so this is great!!
i would have to wait until the summer to go, but still!

i'm really excited about driving now :)
and i like to drive :D
i need to study for my permit test >.<

the only thing about today that i am not fond of
is that my Nicko baby is grounded and i miss him :(
i havent got to talk to him much all day :(
i wish i could call him and tell him all about today

another bad thing...
i am for sure not able to go to that HIM concert now :(
there is no one to cover my light for me
my sister wont do it
i've been waiting so long to see this band
and my grades are up, i've stayed out of all trouble
i have earned to be able to go!!
but i cant because i have to do this easter play :(
sometimes i really hate church so much

latest edits:
my pretty boy nicko :)
my lovely friend Rose :D
...me lol ewww

last night
ugh, i feel like a total b-word now.
i had my status i put yesterday morning about this girl i didnt like because she put my boyfriend in a bad mood...i didnt say a name but i did say that i didnt even know her
my friend thought it was about her :/
i went to sleep a little early then i wake up around 1 am,
i had 3 texts, 
1 from Nick saying "Love you"
1 from my mom saying "u 4got 2 put out the trash"
1 from another friend of mine who is friends with the girl who thought i was talking about her asking if it was about her,
i was sooo confused!! that was definately not what i wanted to wake up to :/
apparently what i said made her really mad and it wasnt towards her at all...
i asked her why and she said it was cuz she thought i didnt like her,
not too far into the conversation she just says she's going to sleep and she's glad its cleared up
(understandable i mean it was like 3 am lol)
now i feel horrible cuz it wasnt towards her at all :[

now what i'm really confused about
is why i was told i shouldnt feel bad..

i feel like total crap about it :(

Photography - Spring Morning in March

taken with my cell phone thursday morning.
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