—thoughts.

*lost*

sometimes it really seems like i really must be just stupid. i have the tendency to do things that hurt me and don't realize until way later. i say things i don't mean alot and then i beat myself up about it. i hate how when i'm mad i say things i don't wanna say. something was bothering me so i told my friend out of anger when i really didn't want him to know. he said he wouldn't tell. he didn't say a word until tonight so he kept it in for about a month but still...i feel horrible. and it makes me seem really bad when i'm really not. :( Now, what happenned was that my best friend is dating my ex, but she sent pictures to my current boyfriend (although they were still together at the time, it did happen a while ago) when i found out i was pretty mad about it...i felt a little stabbed in the back. in my head i was thinking: she already got my last boyfriend, why is she going for the one i have now? (i mean yeah, its hard not to like him and he's super hot...who wouldn't want him?  but still she should respect whats mine!) i had to go through my head over and over again "she's your friend, you can trust her, it was nothing." i've got it drilled into my head that it was nothing, but from the outside world it probably looks like i'm getting revenge, which is definately not the case. I'm not the type of person who would get back at someone. i try hard not to be. i didn't even mean to do this and i realy didn't do anything. no one is mad at me (yet) but i'm sure its coming...if only i could control what i say when i'm angry...and thats why i try to stop myself from getting mad and cover it up with sadness, but that may be bad too..

i feel really bad about this and i didn't mean any harm

i just want to say i'm sorry