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Wednesday, June 23

i don't deserve you..

i'm sorry... i do trust you, and you have given me reasons to, but i know it must hurt that you think i don't... even though when you said "you dont trust me" without any tone of voice and said it like it didnt even matter i know it does because there was a time when i didnt trust you and it did matter because you wanted to fix it and you did..

i know that you are frustrated or aggravated with me because you did fix the problem and now it seems like you did it for nothing... but i promise you your work has paid off and i hate that i make you mad and i want to stop.. i dont have any self esteem and i've been down.. i dont have really anyone to talk to anymore besides you and i dont want anyone else to have you but me.. i hate when pretty girls talk to you because i feel like they can steal you because they look better

i feel like there are so many people out there better than me and more talented and prettier.. you always tell me how you think i'm the best and that you will never come across somebody that you think will be better than me and that i'm perfect for you, and my biggest fear is that you will notice and leave..that's the last thing i want, i'm too scared to lose you

i've never thought i was anything to be proud of but you do and i don't get it.. sometimes i think that if you knew that i was a loser before you asked me out that you wouldn't have done it but i know thats not true because you point out all the good things in me, even when you critisize me you never straight shoot me down, you say "you do (this) but you need to do (this)" and tell me not to give up, then when i do you tell me i shouldnt have and of course you're always right, because you're not lying to me

i have been like this because since the summer started i have been anxious to see you.. now i only have a week and a half left before i leave for a whole month and i have barely seen you at all even though near the end of school you said you wanted to see me every day and i got sad, i got frustrated because it seemed like you were almost always with everyone EXCEPT me.. i know it sounds selfish, but i wanted you to be mine this month, i wont have you at all besides on the phone and computer for a month so i wanted you now :(

i wish i could tell you how guilty i feel.. i feel horrible. it's almost been a WHOLE year and i love you with more than all i have, i feel so terrible for thinking of you like this because i know i shouldnt. i want to be happy, i dream of being happy and i'm ready to be happy and i hate that the voices in my head keep holding me back. i promise to you i'll change...i'm not going to ruin something that's meant to be,
just please never let me go..

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