l a s t n i g h t . . .

last night, for the first time in a really long time
i cried.
alot.
i think too much..
and i'm scared
i'm confused and i'm hateful
...i didn't know why i was here
and i didn't want to be.
i was thinking about somebody...
and i hate her so much..
she makes me not want to do any of the things i love
i dont want to dance
i dont want to draw
i dont want to paint
i dont want to design anything
i dont want to go to movies
i dont want to go to malls
i dont want to play bass
i dont want to run track
i cant wear nikes
i can barely wear my converse
i cant play with my old dolls
i cant listen to dubstep or screamo
i cant play 3 days grace

i am so jealous of her..
i say i'm better than her all the time just to hope that i will believe myself and wish it was true..

all i thought to myself was:
"if you can do everything i can do...
why am i even here?"

i would feel different if she wasnt older than me.. but she is
i hate her so much...
i used to just want her to go away
but now... i just want her dead..

or i at least want to move far away
i dont even want to be in this state


there are too many feelings i am feeling right now to write them out into a post...i need to talk to someone in person that can at least try to comfort me. i need to be held.. or i'll try to go for a walk to clear my head when i get home..

song of the day:
When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run...
run... run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...