ugh :( mostly ranting post.. [+vlog]

m y  v l o g   fo r   t o d a y 

today was not that good...

i have been bored the whole day

and not been in a good mood...

i feel...angry and sad. and bothered

very much annoyed by these feelings =.=

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bella has been messaging me...

it is making me sad..

it's so tempting to just be her friend again

because i feel bad for ignoring her...

she has been begging me and writing me songs and poems

begging me to be her friend again... and to forgive her..

what she did was so immature...

but am i being immature for not forgiving her?

i forgive too much for everyone..

i am trying to stop...should she have been the first victim?

i am not sure :/ she is so young.. i feel bad..

i know she is broken over it and doesnt think i care

but i do! ...but i care about myself a little bit too..

more then i used to... she should have met me earlier..

i a m c o n f u s e d : (

all i know is that i can not talk to her..

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and this girl... that i hate...

i thought that if i faced my fear that it would go away

if i make a joke of it, then it wont be so serious

if i see her in person, i will not be jealous anymore because she is skinny with a double chin and that is ugly.

but now i am even more jealous then i was before...10x more

but i can play it off 20x better to make it look like i'm not

hearing her mentioned makes me feel like throwing up and i want to stab someone hard...

now all i do is wait for her to be brought up so i can get angry and have a reason to curse

but i curse anyway because i am always angry.

it is a wierd feeling.

i always knew that she was there

but never saw her in real life

it is almost like she was imaginary to me, so that means she was only in my mind.... well our minds...

and thoughts can't easily be get ridden of...

but now she's alive...

she is a person now...

she has perfect skin and friends and people like her

and she's tall with a normal nose... and perfect smile...(except for a rotten looking tooth that looks like its not connected at all................)

and bigger eyes than mine with lips that are both pink.

i am so jealous of her...

WHY DOES SHE DESERVE TO HAVE ALL OF THE PERFECT TRAITS!!!

...God, why wont you make me feel more beautiful than her?

i dont ask you for very much i just want that...

it is not fair... i want to be happy

why do you always have to get in my way?

i want to be able to go wherever the hell i want without out thinking about you!!

i've never been more jealous of anyone but you.

this must be what it feels like to have a bad ex boyfriend...I NEVER DATED YOU!!!!!?! 

why do i feel like you are my ex?? 

YOU ARE NOT MY EX!!!! I NEVER LOVED YOU?!! 

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU AND ONLY SAW YOU ONE TIME!!!!!

...yet you broke my heart without even trying.

or maybe you did try, you wished i was gone like i wish you were gone now

i cry over you too much

it doesnt even matter what i do.

you come up at least once a day, whether its in conversation or a facebook suggestion.

you keep me awake because you bother me, and i dont want to sleep because i'll have nightmares about you... and no matter which one i do, i am still mad at you because i am tired.

why do i know more about you than i know about my sister who i've known for almost 14 years?

i wish i knew nothing about you so i didn't worry about everything i do.

fuck you! i can do whatever i want!!

i just want  to be like SNAP! and then you are gone

but i tried that

and it doens't  work that way...

i want to go back in time and come over the day you did and hurt you

or go farther back and make sure you never got his attention

i should have said hi to him at Don Pablo's when i was little so we could have been together instead so i didn't have to deal with you later.

i think its ironic that we have so much in common that we could have probably been friends.

i hate you so much, to think that i would have never been jealous of you if he hadn't said that your favorite thing was anal. pity.

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i am in a horrible mood right now.

i want hot chocolate and i dont wan to go to church tomaro

my mom is annoying me to the highest level and so is my brain

i have got to gain control of myself or everyone will be in for 90 pounds of midget hell at school monday and i will end up being mean to every body

if my mood gets too bad i will stop caring about things...

i really don't want that

because i act very different when i don't care and it is a bad different...

some people will be sad...others will be furious

both are bad, and i dont want iether

i need to find a way to cheer myself up...

goodnight...