Poem - I Wish I Would Have Been First

she's always there haunting me
and keeping me awake
i just wish she would be gone
you told me not to wish
but i promise thats my only one from now on

it's just such a fear that maybe she might come back
and you'll have a revelation
that maybe i'm really not "the best"
because the way you used to describe her
made her to be better than all the rest..

she is so much prettier than me
and we do all the same things
perfect hair, perfect skin
and now a perfect smile too
and she's tall.. it makes me want to ask
"how am i good enough for you?"

if only we'd met when we were young
like it almost feels like we did
i'd never have had to worry about her
or any of the things that you hid

she may think that i took you from her
but i tell you it isnt that way
when i was ready to give you my heart
i just gave myself away

you took the offer, you wanted it bad
and you earned it
but i didn't know i was in for all this
it hit me when i finally learned it

the first time
i thought someone was really all mine
i was horribly wrong
honestly for a while i wanted to end myself
with the soft cry of a sad song

and no one would have heard my heartbreak
not even you, unless i really wanted you to

i didnt sell my soul to him, or i couldnt have given it to you
and in my rain, all i knew, was that the sun shining through.. was you

you see i am still healing from the scars of your every mistake
and even though i made mine too, i still had something for you to take

i want to say you are my first, but i dont think you will agree..
because not that you're fond of it.. but you still have your memory

i wiped the slate clean, and even though i never lied
i wish i hadnt done it. i wish it every single time
i cant take it away, but i can forget
and now its hard to remember, and i dont want to remember it

i wish i could have been your first love
                                           your first kiss
                                           your first something
our love is so true, but i wish i wasnt
                                           your first nothing

i'm sorry that i feel sometimes that i'm not important,
but i've only been in a small part of your life
its really hard to sort it

you make me so happy but you can make me so sad
and i dont mean to hurt you,
you try so hard to take it away and you love me,
honey, i dont doubt you

i just wish i could have been first,
i just wish we could have been kids,
i just wish i could erase the hurts,
sometimes i wish i didnt exist

its not your fault, baby, you stopped
now this is me to blame
with all of the nightmares and other bad dreams
i feel like she's put me to shame

sweetheart i'm in so much pain..

i miss you so much
and i miss you so dearly
i cant wait to celebrate
our anniversarries yearly
i love you so much
and you've always been my crutch

and i still need you for support
i know you get aggravated, but i need you
please baby.. bear with me..