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Thursday, January 6

i look cute? ya?

i decided to wear a polo and navy cardigan today...just for a change
and i pinned my hair out of my face instead of swooping...
i kinda like it, but not for every day
hopefully i will get my hair cut soon and get bangs again :)
i need a trim...my dead ends are getting worse >.<
i've gotten way into choreographing lately...
i used to help my mom choreograph all the time and starting to dance again is making me do it again myself
i remember making up dances and my mom would teach them to the whole class
they didn't know i made the dance...they just said it was good
it wasnt an all the time thing,
but i was so proud of myself when i did it
because they were doing my dance,
and it looked awesome...
i forgot how happy dancing made me because i stopped for so long, i remember now how much i love it
how good it made me to feel to look back at the mirror and see yourself moving with the rest of the group, looking good and feeling great, the burst of energy, adrenaline and fun...
and of course, the music ♥
i've got 2 hip hop dances i'm creating myself, both half done
one is by U-KISS and one by Far East Movement
then 1 interpretive/modern dance
to a song by Ekhymosis
i enjoy this... if i could make it a career, i definately would
i's amazing
last night was so...ugh :(
ended up getting really emotional
i was confused, mad...just so many things
i really wish my life could be together like it used to be
i wish i could forget what it was like to have my parents married
if i didn't remember, i wouldnt be hurt...
that's why my sister isn't hurt, she was a baby...
i miss having papi there to always help me and both parents to watch me do things or do them with me
it's like...i feels like it's wierd to be happy because of it
i am scared of being happy...but i didn't know that this was part of the reason why until last night
i thought it was because of relationships...
because before nick, it was as if whenever i was happy, that's when things go wrong and then life shows you that you're not supposed to be happy and that you don't deserve it
it even happened with me and him...we were so excited for summer, then got grounded, then i went to texas, then he went to st.louis and came back with IBS :(
it makes me think that God hates me again or something,
"the world is a cruel place, but we're here, only to lose...
so before life tears us apart let, death bless me, with you.."
from Join Me in Death by HIM
life is hard...but i'm glad nick is still here for me
i have alot of problems and sometimes not even all there
so regardless of how bad life gets...i can still consider myself lucky
last night he said
"i'm trying my best to be everything you don't have right now"
i appreciate him so much... you'd think after a year and a half i'd be used to it but i'm still not used to someone caring so much about me like this... which is probably a good thing because then i wont ever think about taking it for granted, i never would anyhow
i love him more than anything...
will post later... byebye

1 comment:

Saving Capulet said...

I think you're coping up pretty good, and good luck with the dancing! Whenever I see dance movies, I feel so envious, I don't know what it feels like to be so passionate about something, I couldn't dance to save my life, so :<

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