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Wednesday, January 19

what i want to be is the one thing i wasn't born to be

the picture says it all..."happy"
i've tried...over and over and i cant
everything that makes me happy is taken from me
it's only temporary...no matter what it is
there is always something that tears me down
post-traumatic stress disorder is what makes it even worse
when something happened that hurt me
it lingers.. sometimes never goes away and bothers me forever
i want to be happy
i want to be myself
but i dont...because i hate myself
im not exaggerating...i can not remember even one time where i liked everything about myself. i have lost it all
i fell in dance class... i'm failing a class again...
i havent drawn in a long time... i'm not good with guitar anymore...
i don't have friends anymore... i have no job... i cant drive...
my dad is not proud of me... i cant see my boyfriend...
what is there to make me happy if there is nothing i can do?
i miss nicko the most...having his affection always made me feel better and confident, but now with this IBS there is no hanging out...no hugs no kisses no snuggling or naps on the couch...
i want to cry
seeing him is always the best part because i am always happy when i see him
when we hung out all the time, i didn't get jealous
because i got to hold him and kiss him and puts in my head "he is mine"
without him...i am scared about everything from being scared he will leave me to if my shoes are untied
he is my reassuring person in life that i can always come to even if i just needed a hug
but now, i have to wait....realistically, i probably wont even see him for my birthday..
i love him and i want him :(
God, why did you curse me?
why does everything that makes me happy have to have a wall between us
every person i get close to...bad things happen to them
and bad things always happen to me
why do you let me feel like this! i asked you for help!
now what do i do...
i want to be happy but i guess i wasn't born to be...
bless me please...i want to be okay...
i'm tired of waiting God...please

2 comments:

moon said...

Don't worry, after rain there'll always be sunshine!

Grab a piece of paper and write 10 you want to change about yourself and your life. It's not wrong to start again with new years resolutions, since Chinese new year is around the corner ;)

But. Don't ever ever ever think again you weren't born to be lucky! It makes me sad, youknow ;A;
Smile. Laugh. Study. Apologize and talk when needed, but above all, turn that from upside down :)

Joee Joe said...

How about thinking abt things that you have, things that make u feel wonderful? for example, u still have nicko :) I dint even hav a boyfriend b4 lol~~ no one wants me T^T :P Also, i think ur great to knw how to dance and pixel :)

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