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Thursday, March 3

good mourning

 i spelled it that way for a reason.
last night was very difficult
i did something i had never really done...
and i didn't like it.
me and nicko ended up not hanging out...
i had a wierd feeling it would happen :/
after he called later that night we were talking about stuff and got onto the subject of his ex...and how he didn't understand why i cant handle them talking or seeing eachother...which just really sucked that not only he still didnt get it ater all that happened but that i had to explain it again..
and he knew that there was alot of things that i never said and told me to just say them...and i really didn't want to...but i did..
it felt horrible to say all of those things to him
i'm so used to holding in things in, because i dont want to say them
just not tell, keep it in - cry later
then no one will know and everything will be better
but i said it...almost everything i ever wanted to say...
i guess because like i said if you don't cry sometimes you might never be able to smile again...
there was alot of tears and still some unsead words
when i get rowed up i tend to lose myself and i cant get everything out because so many things are going through my head at once that i just cant.
he actual told me to point out all of his flaws...i refused
but he kept asking me and asking me and i didn't want to
and then i did...
i completely went back on every promise i made myself when i did that.
nick is one of those people that don't get hurt...
nothing you can say can hurt his feelings...
if i really thought it would actually hurt him, i wouldnt have done it at all.
i only expected 1 of two reactions:
i either thought he would yell at me or he would just hang up
but instead he felt bad...
and i was already torn over what i did and then when it actually hurt him i felt just so many times worse about it i just wanted to tell him over and over how sorry i am for it.
he said alot of things jumped out at him that he didnt notice before...
i asked him "such as what" and he said there was too much...
i asked him also if there is anything that he would do differently now that he knows some of the thigns he does and he said "yes" and that he'd figure it out...
he was so hurt that he didn't even know how to feel
i've never heard him be so confused...

i say sometimes...when i get mad because of how mean he is sometimes...
that i wish i could just point out every single thing thats wrong with him just like he did to me.
so then he would know how i felt
and i why i dont talk about things
and that it hurts and how bad
what it feels like for someone to really break you down...
but i didn't actually want to do that
i just wanted him to know what it felt like but i didn't want to be the one to show him...
in my mind, you guys know that i go by the golden rule
and that i don't like revenge
but i just got it...and it's not sweet at all...it's a horrible feeling
the worst feeling...
i just made the only person i truely love in the whole world, feel like he was the worst person ever..
i feel ashamed of myself, i'm mad at myself, upset with myself and really regret saying all of that stuff
and he said "you should be proud"
how could i be proud?!
"you said you always wish you could hurt me...and you finally did it. no one can hurt me but you...you should be proud of yourself"
i'm not proud baby...i'm sorry...
i've said it so many times and i realy mean it
i love you
i didn't want to hurt you

we almost broke up because of this
i scared him :( i feel so bad
i also found out what happened finally...on november 22 2009...that's the day he cheated on me
even though it is nearly a year and a half late, i'm glad i finally know what happened
i wont lie, when he told me...i bursted into tears
i couldnt not cry
because i knew it happened, and the first time i saw her it really hit me that it happened
and now that i actually know what happened, it actually happened...
like i cant be in denial anymore because i know
and yea, it's killer
i hate it but it happened
i have to forgive him and i did a long time ago
but it's really hard you know.
we forgave eachother...we had to
and i had to tell him that he's not all bad
and it took a while to make him feel even a little bit better
but i had to show him he's worth it
and that he means everything to me
now he knows how i feel and i'm sorry he had to feel that way...maybe something good will come from it and he'll understand more things better, or maybe he wont do some things because now he knows how bad they hurt

yesterday...he actually quoted the Bible
he couldnt remember what he knew the quote from, but i did. it just took me a while because i hadnt read it in a while.

1 Corithians 13:4

“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”

that's God's definition of love...true love
like the love we had before so many things happened
we both agreed how much we miss how perfect we were
and that want to and will be that way again

i've always thought of love that way and i tried to show him all of those things in the verse
but now i'm jealous and slightly resentful, but it's not really against him more than it is against someone else
i always hope...try hard to trust...always hope and get through everything
this promise will be kept always

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