is it really that important for something to cause me pain at all times? God why do you do this? you let horrible things happen to me even though i still pray, after i clean up everything you let something from the past come and take away all my progress. i've cleaned up everything, and it was getting so good, i was finally being seen in a different way and almost felt.. welcomed.. a feeling i almost  never feel. i was so happy. then as soon as i was happy you took it all away, just reminding me that i'm really not welcome anywhere, just like i always knew. i've been trying to find a place for myself and i dont fit anywhere and it feels so bad.. there's so much i wanna do, but even if im a room with just one friend, even if i've known them for years i still feel out of place. i just dont understand why you cant just let me be happy... i've been so nice to so many people, even though they have been so mean to me, i show my love the best i can, i smile to strangers just to hope i make someone's day, i pray and ask you for things even though you seem to put me on hold alot.. and you gave me all of these talents and the ability to do things that most people cant do, but left me with a screwed up mind. you let me have this amazing boy but then made his parents hate me, what are you testing me? can you stop? please? i'm just trying to live...i want to live happy like i've always wanted to. today i am 17 and a half, and the person who's supposed to be turning 18 today was one of my best friends, and she's up there with you.. tell her i said happy birthday.. but do you know how sad you've made me? no one's hurt me more than you, i dont get what i want alot, but all i'm asking for is happiness. i have a little, but i want alot more...i know i'm on hold because there are people who need you more, but when you finally get to me, can you make me happy? just let me be happy, i made mistakes and i said i'm sorry and i mean it, i just want to be happy, God, you're up there...if you can put all of the sins of the world onto one man to save everyone, and show them that you're real...then can you show me? i wasnt there to see it, just make me happy and i'll never doubt you again.

edits for chelese, before and after

photoshop; before and afters

some edits i've done lately, i saved both before and after photos

before first and after second.

this is my friend paige :)

this is my friend amanda :)

this is elfiz :)

i'm pro right? should i charge? haha 

Lyrics - Oh My God (usher cover)

Baby let me love you down
There's so many ways to love ya
Baby I can break you down
There's so many ways to love ya
Got me like, oh my gosh i'm so in love
I found you finally, it make me want to say
Oh, oh , oh, oh, (x4)
Oh my gosh
You make me want to say(repeat 2x)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I fell in love with shawty when I saw him on a skateboard
He was skatin sexy, pop, pop, poppin high and droppin low
Never ever has somebody hit me on the first sight
This was something special ; this was just like dynamite
Honey got a lil' booty like pow, pow, pow
Honey got a smile like wow, oh wow
Boy you know i'm loving your, loving your style
Check, check, check, check, check, checkin you out like,
Ooh (oooh) he got it all
Sexy from his head to the toes
& I want it all, it all, it all
[chorus]
Fell so hard for honey out of all the boys up in the yard
This one got me whipped, just off one look, yep I fell in love
Boy you something special, you just like dynamite
You're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're out of sight
Fell in love with honey like my, oh my
Honey looking wonderful; fly, so fly
Honey like a supermodel; my, oh my
Baby how you do that, make this babygirl cry?
Ooh (oooh) baby, you got it alll
Sexy from his head to the toes
& I want it all, it all, it all

So, honey let me love you down
There's so many ways to love ya
Baby I can break it down
There's so many ways to love ya
Got me like, ooh my gosh i'm soo in love I found you finally,
You make me want to say..

Oh my gosh
Oh my
Oh, oh my gosh

Poem - I Wish I Would Have Been First

she's always there haunting me
and keeping me awake
i just wish she would be gone
you told me not to wish
but i promise thats my only one from now on

it's just such a fear that maybe she might come back
and you'll have a revelation
that maybe i'm really not "the best"
because the way you used to describe her
made her to be better than all the rest..

she is so much prettier than me
and we do all the same things
perfect hair, perfect skin
and now a perfect smile too
and she's tall.. it makes me want to ask
"how am i good enough for you?"

if only we'd met when we were young
like it almost feels like we did
i'd never have had to worry about her
or any of the things that you hid

she may think that i took you from her
but i tell you it isnt that way
when i was ready to give you my heart
i just gave myself away

you took the offer, you wanted it bad
and you earned it
but i didn't know i was in for all this
it hit me when i finally learned it

the first time
i thought someone was really all mine
i was horribly wrong
honestly for a while i wanted to end myself
with the soft cry of a sad song

and no one would have heard my heartbreak
not even you, unless i really wanted you to

i didnt sell my soul to him, or i couldnt have given it to you
and in my rain, all i knew, was that the sun shining through.. was you

you see i am still healing from the scars of your every mistake
and even though i made mine too, i still had something for you to take

i want to say you are my first, but i dont think you will agree..
because not that you're fond of it.. but you still have your memory

i wiped the slate clean, and even though i never lied
i wish i hadnt done it. i wish it every single time
i cant take it away, but i can forget
and now its hard to remember, and i dont want to remember it

i wish i could have been your first love
                                           your first kiss
                                           your first something
our love is so true, but i wish i wasnt
                                           your first nothing

i'm sorry that i feel sometimes that i'm not important,
but i've only been in a small part of your life
its really hard to sort it

you make me so happy but you can make me so sad
and i dont mean to hurt you,
you try so hard to take it away and you love me,
honey, i dont doubt you

i just wish i could have been first,
i just wish we could have been kids,
i just wish i could erase the hurts,
sometimes i wish i didnt exist

its not your fault, baby, you stopped
now this is me to blame
with all of the nightmares and other bad dreams
i feel like she's put me to shame

sweetheart i'm in so much pain..

i miss you so much
and i miss you so dearly
i cant wait to celebrate
our anniversarries yearly
i love you so much
and you've always been my crutch

and i still need you for support
i know you get aggravated, but i need you
please baby.. bear with me..

Rette Mich

beautiful song yet so sad..
and because of the mood i am in i just noticed how sad it was
i'm really getting depressed and its bad
but i love this song.. but in a way i hate it..

its in german so here are the english lyrics:

This used to be our secret

Now I'm hiding here alone

Can't help but read our names on the wall

And wash them off the stone

I trusted you in every way

But not enough to make you stay

Turn around

I've lost my ground

Come and rescue me

I'm burning, can't you see

Come and rescue me

Only you can set me free

Come and rescue me

Rescue me

Rescue me

We lied when we were dreaming

Our crying was just fake

I wish you could deny it

Here and today

My SOS on radio

The only chance to let you know

What I fear

Can you hear?

Come and rescue me

I'm burning, can't you see

Come and rescue me

Only you can set me free

Come and rescue me

Rescue me

You and me

You and me

You and me

The walls are coming closer

My senses fade away

I'm haunted by your shadow

I reach to feel your face

You're not here

Are you here?

Come and rescue me

Rescue me

Come and rescue me

I'm burning, can't you see

Come and rescue me

Only you can set me free

Come and rescue me

Rescue me

You and me

You and me

Rescue me

You and me

Set me free

Rescue me

he's hurting.. and its breaking my heart...

i love him so much, its so crazy. he calls me everyday and it makes me so happy, he left me a voicemail yesterday morning that made my heart flutter. his voice calms me down and his giggle makes me want to cuddle him.. but im so far away.. and cant cuddle him right now.. 

last night we were on the phone after i was home from six flags, i knew he was upset and i didnt know why. i think for a second there he didnt trust me...i talked him out of it eventually.

thats the first time really that i had to reassure him,

usually he's the one having to reassure me.

when he said he'd heard people say "nothing happened" but things really did, i think he thought thats what i was doing. i wont lie to him. its like my whole stomach dropped and i was shocked, speechless for a second and almost wanted to cry... is that how he feels when i get like that? i think i know how it feels now.. its a bad feeling.. there was a time when i didnt trust him and when i told him i could hear the sadness in his voice and it broke me.. i felt so horrible, i didnt have a reason not to trust him he had shown me that i could, this must be how he felt that day... i'm so sorry he had to feel that :( 

its 3 in the morning, and i cant sleep. we went to sleep together, like at the same time.. i love doing that with him its so sweet and thoughtful and really makes me happy... but something happened today that scared me a little bit and it kind of hit me hard because i would have never expected it..

its a fact that we miss eachother alot. more than alot, more than anyone.. i miss him more than anyone i know, and he's the one i've seen most recently, we're not supposed to be away from eachother this long, he said it and i agree.
nick was upset because of me being out places.. all he does is talk to me, and its all he wants to do is stay close to me and hear my voice, and i want the same.. he doesnt hang out with a bunch of people all the time anymore and doesnt even have a cellphone, and doesnt care to even get it back because he doesnt really need it now. i'm on vacation at my dads, so i've been going shopping and to amusement parks and things, and it is unfair for me to be out here going everywhere and he's not really doing anything. i dont mean to be out all the time and he did say he thinks he got over-jealous.. i said i was sorry but he said i didnt do anything.
i wanted to cheer him up and tell him everything will be okay, just because people have lied to you in the past you cant put that on me and think i'll be the same way. i'm not everyone else, and niether is he. he's nicholas and i'm asberry. when we started dating i wiped the slate clean. i left everything that was the past to be whatever they did, but i didnt expect him to be like the people from my past. it would only lead to me being super scared and nervous, so i dont compare him against other people  and i want him to do the same thing for me..
i was scared and sad.. i didnt know what to do, i told him how much i love him and how serious this is to me, and i miss him so much, ...i started crying and i didnt mean to

what scared me..

                   was that he did too..

i never thought i would hear that.. he never cries, he doesnt even believe in crying, and he just shed tears.. i never thought there was any way that he could hurt so bad that he actually cried. even though it was only a little its just so sad, the thought of him crying just breaks my heart.. that my baby, i never want to see him hurt. the sadness in his voice this past week has sounded miserable, i love him so much and we're both so sad.. he's been trying to hide how bout he's hurt but sometimes it would come out and he would sound so sad.. today i realized how bad he missed me.. i knew it was alot but i didnt know it was that unbearable for him :(
i have cried a few days in a row, because sometimes i have these dreams where i spend entire days with him and go to sleep with him, then when i wake up and open my eyes he's not next to me and it crushes me... because i didnt want to wake up hugging my pillow, i wanted to wake up huddled to his chest, and warm, and look into those beautiful star-burst eyes and have him smile at me :( it kills me
as most girls, i thought boys didnt have as many emotions as girls do, but in reality, most boys just wont let themselves get close enough to a girl to be able to show them.
i love him, he loves me
i miss him, he misses me
i cry over him, he cried over me
i get hurt, he hurts too..
i love him and i cant wait to come home.. i have about a week left here, i'll be home next weekend
and he'll be there waiting for me..
i have gifts to give him and we're supposed to go out to dinner, im excited
i want to see him so bad.. its almost been a month
````````````````````````````
i had one of those dreams.. that why i'm awake
im probably gonna go cuddle my pillow and cry a little more to be completely honest..
goodnight/goodmorning

sister time at six flags =D

today we gt to go to Six Flags :D i just went with my sister. we rode so many things XD there was a roller coaster called the rattler and it was evil...it gave me the worst headache ever D=

and we got a giant cup and refilled it 6077840890238940 times XD

it was free so hey fine with us XD if its carbonated then i definately want it lol

we took some videos too lol

i got a new video camera :) forgot my actual camera today so i used it and i actually like it alot :D all the pics on this post were taken with that camera.

vandalsquad! nick's got me addicted,

nick's got me addicted to it

more of my stuff here...   vvv

http://www.vandalsquad.com/artistView.php?artist_id=464699&view=profile

check my blackbook for the piece i did for nick

NICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =(

i am a sad neko =( i miss my baby nicko

i cant believe i missed his call 3 times today!!! >=(

i'm so mad at myself i have been bored all day!!

the first 2 times he called me i was eating breakfast

and last time he called i was in the bathroom!!!!!!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm in distress without talking to my baby!!!!!

i need you nicko i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahhhhh i feel so bad :( today has had bad timing for this :(

im not ignoring you honey!!! :(

he said in the voicemail he'll call me when he gets home

i hope he does :( i feel so bad :(

i have been staring at my phone all day, the random 15 minute segments that im not watching is when he calls :( :( :(

well my phone will be on loud and full volume + vibrate now

I'LL NEVER MISS ANOTHER CALL AGAIN >=D

he did call me ~ ♥

just like i wanted ~ ♥

he said he wants me to call him baby more..

and that i shouldnt be scared to now,

because its been a whole year and i should be past the fact that i've never called anyone that before,

i mean he's not just anyone :) he's mine

he's my baby ♥

*daydreams*

although there have been something on my mind..

more shopping!!

we went to some malls today and looked around and got stuff :)
i got almost everything i wanted ^_^
but i'm saving the last of my money for a certain store...
so i can get something for my Nicko :)

had a bun today with my hair...i guess i like it..i dont know...

i really like my dads house...its really nice and pretty and clean

and there's lots of food and smells so good

the neighborhood is peaceful and quiet and the houses are big

i dont hear any sirens...

nobody yells obscenities during the night...

loud parties dont wake me up...

its so opposite of where i live

i really like it, but i dont think i could ever live here

we got a new harvest moon game...and i wanna play it so bad >.<

my sister keeps saying "no no not yet!"

then she gave me an icky-looking reese cup that was melted =(

but it was so good :D 

these are my new necklaces...

the heart one my Abuela gave me and i bought the second one in the mall

i love them :)

and i bought that jumper for 3 dollars!!! it looks so cute on me :D

im thinking about posting some of the stuff i bought...

but there's so much idk if i can!! haha XD

i hope Nick calls me tonight :)

i miss his cute little voice <33

we didnt get to talk last night because he was busy :(

i miss my baby <333

Hello San Antonio!

after an 18 hour drive we're now in Texas at my dad's.

we been here shopping everywhere already XD

there's alot of discount stores and flea markets with lots of cute things 0_0

im trying not to buy too much haha

thats my shirt mami got me, its new!!

and if you dont see my coontails...or lots of green..

its because my mom did something to my hair and a bunch of it fell out!!!

I CRIED SO MUCH!!!!!!!!

it will grow back...but...i dont wanna wait :(

but i refuse to wear extentions. i never have and never will >:D

i might get a shorter haircut though..only thinking about it

i like my hair long...lol

good news and bad news

my one year was amazing. i had so much fun with Nicko today and i have pictures to edit :] i'm gonna send them to him tomoro when i finally finish them XD

i wrote him a post on facebook, click the link below to read it if you want :)

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1788874550#!/note.php?note_id=418500098088

the bad news is that my uncle passed away, at 3, and my mom didnt tell me at all until i got home at 10-something...its so sad, and i'm writing a song about it

he told great jokes...i'm sure God will appreciate his humore :)

One Year Anniversary!!

me and nick have officially been together for a whole year <33 i love him so much
...will post more in the morning <3

they revived him :)

definately a miracle..

R.I.P. Uncle Charlie...

i found out from facebook..

no one even told me..

we were so close...

wanna see how i used to dress?

nick wanted to see what i used to look like...this used to be my favorite outfit about 2 years ago.

i love it...i storpped dressing like that though, i dont know why really, maybe because it made me stand out more than i already do, or because no one else would really do it with me...

i kind of miss looing like this, and now that my hair is all crazy colored, it would make more sense to go back to my old style because it matches...

i dont know, maybe i'll dress up again sometimes now just for fun :)

had to go outside for internet connection again...

2 minutes after i too these, it started storming and a giant tree branch fell on my head -_-

but after that big lightning strike i get connection in my house again :D so yay!!

feel free to talk i'm back ^_^