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Monday, December 6

he big news: i'm gonna be happy and i'm going to be free.

i have news. i planned on posting this last night, but wasnt sure how to word it. to be completely honest, i actually almost completely flipped my lid this afternoon and almost gave up on trying, but i kept my cool...even though i really just wanted to scream and yell and curse and just rip up things...i didn't. which is kind of what i'm getting to...i'm gonna change. i guess you could think of it as an early new years resolution. i just came out of a really hard month, and this whole year has been tough altogether. my uncle died and we were always really close. my old pre-school sunday school teacher passed, then her husband did and now my old best friend's older sister died just 2 weeks ago. plus this summer with me and nick hardly being able to see each other and going to texas for a while in the summer, it has all really taken a toll on me. and also since last year i've become bitter towards everyone i know in some way...since last november, i have not taken any anti-depressants and now i can not control my anger...or any emotion for that matter. i was never feeling happy for more than 30 minutes and could not stop thinking about "stupid" things. i get upset so much easier than i get happy and it should be the opposite. it got to the point where i stopped caring about myself and almost stopped caring about other things that were important to me as well... which is honestly very scary to think about. i didn't want to do anything but lay in bed and just stare at the celing. no talking to nobody and no music, no dreams or sleep. just stare at the wall. it was bad. it has been a very hard year.
 i am very envious now. i feel really deprived and often neglected... all i think sometimes is that God hates me and that i don't have a place here. all of my thoughts are out of jealousy and makes me feel like there's no need for me to exist in this world... i let everything go. i don't have friends to hang out with or a dad to play ball with me. my fiance is cursed with  IBS so i cant see him either...although we talk alot, i feel so lonely...i love attention, but only from certain people and he is one of those, he is my snuggle bunny, my best friend, my lover...my everything. i hate every second i don't get to hold him and do you know how many seconds that is? i havent seen him for 2 weeks...it makes me so angry...the thought that we are perfect for each other but all of the bad things happen to us. why did it have to be me...why did God finally send me my angel then chain him down and torture me. and then this horrible mindset saying to myself "this shit should have happened to her, not me." and then since a month ago last year...i have let a person who i don't even know take control of my life and ruin me. i get jealous of people who even remotely remind me of her. her name makes my stomach upset. random places i know she goes, i wont step foot on. having to be compared to her and worried that she'll always be there or come back. she scares me that way. she almost scared me away from the only person who's ever going to truly love me just like i love him. there's a huge list of reasons i am jealous of her. and i'm going to write it out, an burn it. because i am done. so, fuck you. yeah, i said it. i will be jealous for a very long time but you're not running my life anymore. i am.  i'm fed up. stay away from my life and i wont bother you in yours.
im tired of being held back. 
my mom is a chairperson at a dance company. 
if i wanna dance i'm gonna fucking dance.
i don't give a rats ass if you had him first, he's mine now
...and i don't feel bad for you anymore.
unless you keep talking to my boyfriend...then i'll feel bad for you because you'll most likely have brain trauma.
if i could tell anyone how i really feel about you, i would. but thats that.
you're gonna be gone. soon you're gonna be nothin' but another person and i wont have to ever worry about you again.

my early new years resolution:
i'm gonna be happy and i'm going to be free.
idk how i'm gonns pull this off...but i'm determined
and this is gonna be really hard...but its gonna be so worth it
feel free to join me on my journey :) who's with me!?

i have a modelling appointment thursday at 7
and i (finally) start dance again in early January :)

g   o   o   d   n   i   g   h   t

1 comment:

xiao yuan moon said...

Yes, you should change yourself! Jealousy is a bitch =.=
We all should change ourself and think less about what other people think and instead just do what we like! So, I'm with you :D

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