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Monday, November 15


i don't know...i just...*sigh* its hard to explain..
what happened? i cant sleep anymore at all.. i fall asleep and i cry and wake up...then cry more when i wake up. and then i don't stop until i have to go to school, then i wash my face and walk to the bus stop and fake my happiness all day. then come home and keep doing it.. my notebook is the only person i can talk to sometimes...which i wouldnt mind as much if it didn't cramp the hell out of my hand... but i hate this.. i don't know how much more i can take and i dont know how i feel besides hurt..
that doesn't even cover it. 
i need to be held and kissed again.. i need comfort and care.. and i really need a back massage... but i dont know the next time i'll get any of that.. i blew up on nick.. i feel horrible.. but im glad i didn't blow up as big as i felt like.. it would have made every thing so much worse. i'm so stressed out over my feelings right now :( if any word could describe the way i'm feeling right now, it would be heartbroken.. 
he showed me this song.. i know he did on purpose..
he asked me if i liked it... i dont know.. i hate it... 
it just reminds me of the negative feelings that i want to go away
but they wont.
and it looks like they never will..

but i can dream right?

i cant sleep...
i dont want to live here
i had a bad weekend again and my moms getting big surgery thurday..
and wednesday will be horrible..
there is nothing that can help anything. all i can do is lay here and suffer

i dont know if i can do this..

and i hate crying..

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