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Friday, March 11

maybe smart isn't the word...

after a long discussion with the boy last night, i realized how smart i am. if you can call it smart...maybe it is more understanding. for some reason i can easily figure out even complex psychological issues, figure out the cause and effect and how to handle them. it's like i have the ability to disect people and break them into parts...then understand each part. i observe things so closely on people that it's sometimes hard for them to tell me something i don't already know or havent already figured out, its wierd...i think it's a blessing though. i always thought that overthinking and thinking quickly, over examining and paying too close attention to detail was one of my flaws, but being that way has actually saved my life before and a few friendships. i never go with my first instinct, i'll tell you that.
when you look at me and look at my grades, i don't look smart. the way i act, you can tell i'm creative but you can't be sure that i know anything entirely useful. but in reality, i have miles piled high of facts, opinions and information that most people don't notice but probably should about me, themselves, thier environment and thier habits. and i remember everything and almost never forget, so i'm almost like an encyclopedia of people that i know and are/have been interested/fascinated with or hate or even just people i hear talking behind me.
for example:
in study hall for the first half of the year, these 2 girls sat behind me. one was blond and one was brunette. they dont talk much to anyone but eachother and i don't talk at all so i could hear them over my typing. over the course of the semester i learned thier favorite colors, that they both prefered khaki uniform pants over the navy or black ones; the brunette likes to read while the blonde loves music and is in 2 art classes which she loves but doesnt think she's good. and the reader likes to read but not to write. the blonde's favorite band is avenged sevenfold and she for some reason hates her butt, and they both are self consious (but they shouldnt be).
another time in the same semester as i had to rotate seats, a group of boys were talking behind me as i minded my own business. i found out that he cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend, had sex with her and got her pregnant, they have a name for the baby already and she wants to abort it but he does not. he wants his girlfriend to take him back, speaking beforehand because he and the friend were hiding the pregnancy which is why she wanted to abort it, but he wont allow it and had been spending prolonged visits with her and his girlfriend that doesnt know about it to prevent the friend from going to a clinic. i never investigated further because i got my seat changed.
i noticed that one of my math teachers my freshman year actually had a speach impediment. after every few words he would make a nasaly "hmm" noise and twitch his nose. he was pigeontoed only on his right leg and i knew he had a bad temper or a quick temper because the speach impediment only occurred when certain people spoke or if the room got too noisy, which means the speech impediment was really a stress reaction. one eye was a lighter green than the other and the lighter one was lazy and i noticed his eyelids were 2 different sizes suggesting eye surgeries being the reazon for the eye looking lazy. i found out he had 4 surgeries early in the year after he told us we were going to have a sub for 2 weeks as he was going to have another one, then over heard him talking with the nurse who was holding his anxiety medication and saw her take his blood pressure. that saying, i was correct about everything. 
i could list tons of examples, i just pay alot of attention for some reason and just honestly dont mean to.
it helped me sort of understand why i freak out easily.
when something bad happens, i seem okay for maybe  a second, then after about 2 1/2 seconds i have already processed everything that comes to my mind, it's rediculous.
in 2 1/2 seconds this is how it goes in my brain:

  1. re-recite what the person just said
  2. analyze and self discuss statement and search
  3. gather data and memories pertaining or relating to (subject being)
  4. sort through, organize and set out all relevant articles
  5. replay all memories for further understanding
  6. attempt to produce an explanation for the statement
that is how fast my mind works and why i freak out so easily, but it also makes me very happy very easily (which falls under the term freaking out, but its a good way). this mind set is what causes my sudden moodswings and how i can go from being the happiest person in the world from nearly wanting to cry.
but i do have the ability to change modes, such as a multiple personality except it is under my complete control. i have a therapist mode. i call it this because it reminds me of how a therapist should be. in this mode, even things that bother me to no end are no longer my issue, i always think positive and give feedback, opinions, constructive critisism when needed, advice and always a pick-me-up. i'm friendly so even people i don't know well are fine to vent to me, and i'm trustworthy so they know thier secrets are safe with me, which is one of the reasons people have said i am a really good friend.
i'm not sure what you call this...am i smart? maybe just understanding? wierd...strange...sweet or intelligent? i don't really know how to describe it.

maybe in college i'll do a double major... art and psychology
who knows

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