describing me.
view my [[twitter :: resource site :: msn :: youtube :: boyfriend]]

Wednesday, March 9

real friends

[[caution:lengthy post!]]
this is sort of a reply to nick's post. i know i do say alot that i don't have friends. in my eyes, i dont. maybe you guys will understand better if i explain what a friend is to me...i'm really picky about it.

i have my own qualifications for who i call my friends.
if they are at school:

  • i can talk to them easily and dont feel uncomfortable
  • i could hang out with them if i wanted to and they wont ditch me
  • they wont bring me around negative influences
  • they like computers, anime, games, dancing etc...have things in common
  • dont think i'm wierd
  • will actually listen to me when i talk
  • say sorry when they offend and forgive if i offend
if they are online:
  • easy and fun to talk to without discomfort
  • trust them not to do anything they know i wouldnt like
  • have things in common
  • don't think i'm wierd
  • say sorry if they offend and forgive if i offend
for me...i have alot of aquaintences. just people that i know. there are alot of people that i used to talk to all the time, that i actually called friends at one point.
what ends a friendship for me:
  • if you don't say sorry when you wrong me
  • randomly stop talking to me and dont tell me why
  • just mean and rude all the time (i get away from that fast)
  • push me away ....and i always catch on
  • betray me
  • do something you know will hurt me even if i ask you not to
alot of my friendships are very short for me because of that. i have a few people that i consider friends. in real life, Nick is my best friend (obvious) then i have Katlin, Kelsey and Abby. that's about it for friends. i only talk to Kelsie and Katlin at lunch and Abby in the hallway and she texts me sometimes. online i have Rabbito, my best online friend and Joee, i consider all of my bloggies as my friends though. we automatically have something in common...a blog.
nick is right, its natural for someone to want to be around other people. i get lonely...i'm always pretty lonely. i pushed away alot of my old friends, some of them because i was done being treated bad, tired of being walked on, they lied to me and some of them was just simply because they were boys...sounds harsh but it's true. and now, i dont even want to be around people anymore...i've gotten so used to being by myself that i've almost completely lost all of my desire to be around people. to be honest, i'm really only comfortable being around nick's friends now...partially because when i stopped hanging out with my old friends, he always had me hanging out with his. and since they were actually nice to me and treated me like i was a person, i liked being around all of them together. of course i would never hang out with them or talk to them without nicko coz those are his friends (even though he always said 'theyre ur friends too') but it was still cool to hang out with them.
he asked me this question one time: are you one of those girls that think all girls are stupid and only have guy friends? the answer is no. of course before i knew nick and for the beginning part of our relationship i had alot of guy friends, but it wasnt because i thought girls were stupid...that's like calling myself stupid. i had girl friends, but they were really flaky, they would always randomly stop talking to me, try to mess up my relationships and act different towards me as soon as they got in a relationship with someone even if i'm the one that helped them get it. and sometimes it made me feel used because some girls  would only be my friend so i would get them with one of my guy friends. there was alot of times where i made friends with the girl friends of my guy friends and usually we got along really well, and it always made the girls feel better because they knew i wouldnt be in thier way. but usually, it didn't work the other way around. when i had girl friends they wouldnt bring thier guy friends around me in fear that they would like me, or they would bring thier boyfriend around me saying that they want us all to be friends and then i befriend them and the girl gets mad. and especially with my old lesbian friends...they would never bring thier girl around me.
i don't like boys or girls better than one or another. i prefer to have girl friends, i always have and that's never changed. ever since i was little i always had boy friends, but i always wanted to be with the girls and be thier friend. but for some reason i couldnt stay friends with a girl, they always ran away. the boys usually stuck around. one of the best friends i ever had was a boy. his name was marquis, he did everything a girl friend would do, including dancing around in a skirt. we called eachother when we were sad and hung out every two weeks and when i was happy he was the first person i would tell and he was always happy for me. i made him his first birthday cake for his 16th birthday and his family knew me. he called me his little sister and i called him my big brother. i honestly cant think of even 1 thing that he did that was mean to me in the whole 4 1/2 years we were friends. but we drifted apart now and don't talk.
now that i think of it, almost all of my favorite best friends were boys. there are 3 girls that i could call my favorite, but only one actually made up for what they did. the others ran from the problem. Alix was my best friend for about 9 years, we still talk sometimes. there are so many good memories with her, some bad though, but still alot of good. my first best friend ever was Billy Lowry. he was about 5 years older than me, i was 5 and he was 10, but we were always together. i would go next door to play with the dogs or his birds, or we'd play playstation, skateboard or garden and search for dead moles and roly polies. when he was 15 he stopped talking to me as much...i was 10, he was in highschool, embarrassed of being friends with someone so young i guess. my first school best friend , was Joey. and we were friends from 1st grade to 5th. he was so wierd lol just as wierd as i was. we always drew together and talked about dragonball z. there was some really close moments too with this wierd symbolism we had with a pebble in the playground. in this one, i was the dramatic one lol. i didn't like him, but i hated when the girls in my class would like him because they would bombard me with questions or try to work with him as a partner for assignments and i was like "no thats my friend!" what did you expect though, i was a little kid. funny how we met too. he was friends with the guy who always picked on me and he for some reason introduced us (guess he knew we'd be friends) and i was swinging from the top of the fire pole and accidently kicked poor joe in the crotch. i didn't know why he was crying about it though, at the time i thought boys and girls had the same lower area. i was a very sheltered child. when our school closed in 5th grade we lost touch. i still called his house and left a message on his birthday though. one time in 8th or 9th grade i found him on myspace, and we had the same profile song and nearly the same layout. we liked all the same music and everything and i was so excited about finding him because he was my best friend so i sent him a message and he replied saying that he hated me and that he wasnt going to tell me why. i'll admit i was pretty hurt by that, considering he was one of my first real friends. turned out it was just a phase though, he doesnt hate me now, and i saw him last summer at a skatepark with my boy. joey's about the same, looks about the same too. we dont talk now, but at least we dont hate eachother. i was good friends with my ex boyfriend tony for a while, i was a freshman in highschool. he was a really really nice guy and a good friend. i met him because he picked up my pencil outside of art class then he was at my locker the next day, turned out he was friends with some of my friends and we started to be friends. then i went to homecoming with my friend kaylaa and he was there, and he asked me to dance, and i was like sure why not. that's the first person i ever danced with. he got me a soda between to songs and we did a conga line and everything. at the end of the night he asked me for my phone number and he was fine with the fact that i only had a house phone -because he did too. we dated for about a month and a half. he was really nice and treated me really nice. he gave me a carnation on sweetest day and everything, walked me to class and carried my books. i thought he was sweet, but i really only liked him as a friend...and i broke up with him, he's one of the only 2 guys i've ever dumped (besides a time that i dont count lol). we bounced back really fast and were totally normal to eachother after we broke up, we never really talked about our relationship because there wasnt much to talk about it, it was nice, no one did anything wrong, we never even kissed. it was good and ended on a good note. so we were fine. and nick is the number one of all of the best friends, you guys that read know why :) he's the perfect friend. he even let me put makeup on him xD
there's a couple of others i could consider mentioning, but i'm not so sure about them anymore, i'm questioning whether they were actually a good friend or not.
the thing was that i just didnt always like girly things, not even much now. i'm not as much girly as i am artsy, but if anything i'm just a dork. when i was little i liked riding bikes, scooters. skateboarding, baseball, kickball, hockey and skating and things like that. but at the same time, my mom pushed Barbies on me and i loved to design and make clothes for them. i liked girly shoes like sailor moon and hamtaro and i liked cute things. but i also thought that dragons and three headed demon dogs were cute...so i dont really know what i mean by that statement lol.
i always chased the boys on the playground because thats what the girls did when they liked a boy. they'd choose one and chase him, i think every one's done that before. there was only one boy i chased that i actually liked and he ended up transferring schools...it was probably my fault xD most of the girls were cute and giggling when they chased a boy, but i chased them with a big stick yelling for them to stop running and stay still. i guess i was doing it wrong...hahaha xD
i remember in fourth grade i had a very short girly phase and one of my boy friends actually told me i was pretty one time, it was wierd because i never got that from boys. i was always wierd or crazy or funny and believe it or not, they said i talked too much, but it was never "pretty." except one time in 3rd grade they all said i looked like a rock star. erik said i looked like "slash's daughter." i didn't know what he meant until i was in 7th grade because i wasnt allowed to listen to non-christian music. therefore i didn't know who Slash was.
sometimes i feel sad that i didn't get to do all the girly little kid stuff. i had 1 girl friend that i saw out of school and she was pushy and mean and i couldnt stand her. if i wanted to do something i had to do by myself, almost everything. i always had tea parties with my grandma. she let me wear her jewelry and big night gowns and put makeup on eachother. then we'd make tea and sandwiches and cake and cookies - pray first, of course - then eat together and talk about things. she would always ask me about my favorite colors and what boys i liked, shows i watched and stuff. she used to watch digimon with me before school too and help me with my homework. i kinda miss those days, i want to have another tea party. after i moved out of her house i had to have them by myself. i bought a whole tea set and still have the teapot, everything else broke in the move. i had a bittersweet childhood let me tell ya haha
sometimes i wish i had real friends, friends that arent just acquaintances. the ones that actually worry about you and what you're up to, to always make sure you're okay. i used to have a few, now i have a couple. and i love them :) but its human to get lonely, he's right. i kinda miss having friends and occasionally i miss my old friends and how things used to be, but i only miss it when i really think about it, that's why i dont. its a nuisance, missing something you'll never get back. so i don't bother with it now. i've got all i need and truely want ♥

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...