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Monday, March 7

deja vu, changing the future, a promise and a new banner ~~

o h a y o g o z a i m a s u ~
friday was great~ it was a beautiful day~~
although the weather outside wasn't too good, it was beautiful
on friday i went over to nicko's (told him the rain wouldnt stop me ;D)
and we hung out seriously almost the whole day
i didn't leave until almost midnight  ♥
we hung out, played games, talked, had cookies, pizza, snuggles and lots of kisses and i got a really great massage that totally caught me by surprise 
it was very thoughtful  i dont know how he knew my body was hurting but he got to every single spot and i felt like i was floating on air afterwards 
and also...i got to do something i had always wanted to do
 i finally got to dance in the rain  ~
it was the cutest thing too :)
because we were walking around in the house and he had on shoes and i didnt and he looked at me and smiled, then sweeped me up and carried me outside and danced with me 
i was smiling and blushing so hard!!!! it was so sweet ahh!!!!!!!!
 you have no idea how happy i was 
last night me and scotty were talking about psychics and dejavu
because we were watching (well, i was listening) to a M13 vlog
there was this lady that predicted the next 3000 years or something
and she was already right on a few things like 9/11 and something else i don't much remember, and she predicted that this year WW3 would start and the 2 koreas have been dropping bombs on eachother...then in 2 years, or 1 year now that half of the world will have skin cancer after all of the radiation from nuclear warfare
scary stuff  . . . 
also it said in the video that deja vu is because people briefly see the future in thier dreams and that's why they  think it already happened or it seems familiar already
and i have deja vu all the time...
there is an upside and a downside to that though...because i have alot of very realistic bad dreams
and there are alot of those i would really hate to come true 
and i've had a lot of reoccurring bad dreams, which are usually the ones that come true

there's a dream i've been having maybe once a month now, that i used to have every 2 weeks or so back in january 2010 where me and nick are having our wedding and we look about 20, his hair was still long too. and the dream usually would start out with me in the powder room doing finishing touches on my makeup and all of my aunts were in the room with me along with a few other girls, i knew 3 of them but i didn't know one of them. maybe i'll be making a friend in the near future and she'll be my bridesmaid. 2 of them were my best friends from 4th grade that we promised eachother we'd be eachother's bridesmaids, so i guess i ended up actually asking them to.  1 of them was my friend kelsey, but i started having the dream before i even knew her. i was talking to her before she went out and my aunts went to go sit down and i remember having this huge rush of energy because i was so happy about my big day. josh kimmey was our photographer, he was a good friend of mine before he graduated and got a last shot of me smiling before he scurried out into the sanctuary.  my dress was white and pink and lavender. it was sleeveless with a corset style top and a heart shaped necklane. there were ribbons lacing through it and they faded from a rose pink to lavender, really really pale colors. it draped to the back and the skirt faded from lavender all the way back to the pink with a triangle left of write and the train was sheer. i had long white satin gloves. my hair was long and black and i had soft makeup with winged eyeliner, i noticed i had still never plucked my brows. i finally got out to the sanctuary and took a big gulp then started to walk to the wedding march. i could see nick looking at me from far away and i smiled, just feeling myself glowing and feeling beautiful. then i get up to the podium and me and nick began reading our vows. we both had stapled papers that we read to eachother, i only remember some parts of the vows that we both said. i was looking in his eyes and we put our rings on eachother, then his ex runs in crying...i've seen her run in 2 different ways, usually in the dreams she is wearing normal street clothes but sometimes she is wearing a white dress...she runs in crying and telling us to stop and is screaming and telling nick she loves him and that they should be together. my family is looking back and forth to eachother and his family had really wide eyes, we were both speechless, she acted like i wasnt even there...she was yelling and begging to him to take her instead and trying to remind him of thier memories together and she wouldnt stop screaming. i got frantic as we were still holding hands...she had dropped to her knees on the ground with makeup down her face and as both of our jaws drop he slowly started letting go of my hands and i started to tear up thinking "this is not happening at my wedding" everyone was just staring...no one knew what to do, what do you do when that happens? we just stood there looking at her and she just kept saying all of these things to him, i knew about them, but i didn't want them to be revisited because i was over it, or i wouldnt have been so shocked. she kept saying "she stole you from me! she stole this from me! this could have been us nicki, we were real! we were real!" and when she started saying that i just started crying, i walked back down the aisle and went back to the powder room and i locked it and that's how the dream ended...i don't know how it really ends 
there was a dream i had and i've had it a few times where i'm in a place i don't recognize, and i'm older and by myself...nothin with me, not even a purse, sitting on a bench in a city. i had on my chucks and dark jeans with my armystyle green coat on and a pack of cigarrettes in my pocket. no cell phone and maybe 5 dollars in change. i had on no makeup and dark around my eyes...curly tangly hair. i think i was homeless... i look older then too.

those among many others...that i just hope i never see in real life
i told him about the bad dreams and he knows that its not all of them, but he said
"lets change the future"
i kinda didnt think that was possible, but it is
and it's the quote under my new banner (click to enlarge)
that means we will always be together...which makes me happier than anything
it seems like things have gotten more serious really quickly
maybe because of the incident on thursday...although it was scary for both of us, it seemed to be a serious eye-opener for him...
i had never seen him cry before...and i mean cry. not wimpering "i'm so sad blah blah wahh" but an "i'm scared" pleading  "i'll never hurt you again" actual cry
he has been a little different since then, a little more serious and a little more thoughtful
he was serious enough that he cleaned out the drawer next to his bed...it had alot of things from his past relationship in there...he threw all of it away..
i'm not gonna lie, i was surprised.
last night we talked about erasing our pasts. because to eachother, we're the only thing that ever felt real.
and it makes me cry even to type that it makes me that happy 
not only because we'll be erasing our pasts and healing our hearts,
but to know the feeling that the only thing that is perfect and real to you is real to the other person too...its such a great feeling to know he feels the same way 
~ x o . a e r i b a b y 

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