everything is fixed :)

nick fixed everything last night ♥

im happy about that...i hope things stay this way :)

i'm supposed to go to a concert tonight..

hope it goes well :)

Lyrics - 900 PIECES

i once met a boy who broke a girls heart
and a girl who could never win
he's got 900 pieces left to mend
and he doesnt know where to begin
you could start the top and end at the bottom
or go from right to left
start at any direction, just go ahead
just please, don't leave her bereft


i talked to the girl and know how she feels
she's hurt and cant help herself
she doesnt want to lose him and worries sick
but doesnt care for her health
her head hangs low from day to day
and she cries into a bowl
to water her flowers with sorrows that only you know
so the world can see her soul

tell her you love her

tell her you'll never quit

tell her you want her

tell her this isn't "it"

now it just seems like the boy doesnt care,
that's what she said to me
"i cant let him go though he wants to leave,
i know it was meant to be."
i cant help but say that it touched my heart
and i've felt that way before
its like loving someone so much that it hurts so bad
that you cant take it anymore
but you do...

tell her you love her

tell her you'll never quit

tell her you want her

tell her this isn't "it"

if you still love her (if you still love her)
just let her know (let her know)
and if you still want her (you still want her)
dont let her go... no...

i once met a boy who broke a girls heart

and a girl who could never win

he's got 900 pieces left to mend

and he doesnt know where to begin

just tell her you love her

tell her you'll never quit

tell her you want her

tell her this isn't "it"

just tell her you love her

tell her you'll never quit

tell her you want her

tell her this isn't "it"

just start where you began, and take the pain away

ugh..

i need you.. so bad...

it hurts to know that i wasnt the last voice you heard before you went to sleep..

did you know it crushed me?

meep,

i look scared because i am

i cant even tell my journal how i feel without it judging me now, now that's bad 

it feels like this summer is only going to get worse for me,  

i hate school, but i've never been so excited to go back. 

nothing is going my way at all and i cant make it 

i've always thought more of others than myself,  

but i've been alone so much 

 that i'm actually starting to think about myself and what i want 

...and i dont like it at all 

i need to be distracted constantly to keep my mind off of things that i dont want to happen 

and i cant help but listen to the voices in my head when no one else is around because i just want someone to talk to me that badly 

[i hate to be alone] 

i try to sleep alot so i can pass the time and forget 

but then i wake up from another bad dream and stare at the celing and remember

no one is here.

and it's not even bad dreams, it's different..but always the same,

like its having a dream that you woke up and checked your phone then saw something and went back to sleep

then really wake up and i check and its not what i saw in the dream..its frustrating

i just wanna sleep and wake up normally

is that much to ask? i want to be okay again :(

i don't deserve you..

i'm sorry... i do trust you, and you have given me reasons to, but i know it must hurt that you think i don't... even though when you said "you dont trust me" without any tone of voice and said it like it didnt even matter i know it does because there was a time when i didnt trust you and it did matter because you wanted to fix it and you did..

i know that you are frustrated or aggravated with me because you did fix the problem and now it seems like you did it for nothing... but i promise you your work has paid off and i hate that i make you mad and i want to stop.. i dont have any self esteem and i've been down.. i dont have really anyone to talk to anymore besides you and i dont want anyone else to have you but me.. i hate when pretty girls talk to you because i feel like they can steal you because they look better

i feel like there are so many people out there better than me and more talented and prettier.. you always tell me how you think i'm the best and that you will never come across somebody that you think will be better than me and that i'm perfect for you, and my biggest fear is that you will notice and leave..that's the last thing i want, i'm too scared to lose you

i've never thought i was anything to be proud of but you do and i don't get it.. sometimes i think that if you knew that i was a loser before you asked me out that you wouldn't have done it but i know thats not true because you point out all the good things in me, even when you critisize me you never straight shoot me down, you say "you do (this) but you need to do (this)" and tell me not to give up, then when i do you tell me i shouldnt have and of course you're always right, because you're not lying to me

i have been like this because since the summer started i have been anxious to see you.. now i only have a week and a half left before i leave for a whole month and i have barely seen you at all even though near the end of school you said you wanted to see me every day and i got sad, i got frustrated because it seemed like you were almost always with everyone EXCEPT me.. i know it sounds selfish, but i wanted you to be mine this month, i wont have you at all besides on the phone and computer for a month so i wanted you now :(

i wish i could tell you how guilty i feel.. i feel horrible. it's almost been a WHOLE year and i love you with more than all i have, i feel so terrible for thinking of you like this because i know i shouldnt. i want to be happy, i dream of being happy and i'm ready to be happy and i hate that the voices in my head keep holding me back. i promise to you i'll change...i'm not going to ruin something that's meant to be,
just please never let me go..

Lyrics - Unless You're Lying

your words scarred me like a knife would to my skin
they throw me at the wall until im as bruised as an old apple
but i still want to listen
i'd rather it be me than her..
even though i'm hurt, i dont care
so i'll just play it off
because it doesnt really matter
just like you said..

so say my name, and i'll listen to what you have to say
over a-gain, until i want to run away
but i know-oh that everything will be okay
because i shouldnt have to worry anymore
unless you're lying

i heard things that i'd never ever want to hear

the thoughts haunt me like a ghost out from my closet

but i still want to listen

i'd rather it be me than her..

even though i'm hurt, i dont care

so i'll just play it off

because it doesnt really matter

just like you said..

so say my name, and i'll listen to what you have to say

over a-gain, until i want to run away

but i know-oh that everything will be okay

because i shouldnt have to worry anymore

unless you're lying

dont mention her...no its not because i hate her

i'm just jealous...because she had you, my life-saver

please dont mention her...and no, i dont hate her

its because i cant handle it, i cant handle it(x2)

but say my name, and i'll listen to what you have to say

over a-gain, until i want to run away

but i know-oh that everything will be okay

because i shouldnt have to worry anymore

unless you're lying

i'm glad you're not lying
or i'd still be crying

natural eyes :)

i've been content with myself wearing little or no makeup lately..

so i came up with this for my eyes just for a little effect :)

i used almost skin colored eyeshadow and a mauve color on the crease just to make them look bigger :)

then the eyeliner is brown instead of black and no mascara

what do you think? :)

coontail tutorial :)

my boyfriend suggested coontails the other day, 

i wasnt really all for it at first but he was...

so he did it for me with black hairspray so i could see what it looked like 

and it looked really good! so i said i'd do it :)

i looked up for some tutorials online on how to do them but i could only find ones who dyed extentions...

i dont have extentions nor do i want them so i just followed what they did on my own hair and decided to do my own tutorial :D so here it goes :)

here's what you need:

tape

a brush (i used an old paint brush)

hair dye

*you dont have to use the brand i did, but that hair dye only costed me $3.99 which is the most inexpensive hair dye i've ever bought, and it works like a dream :)

**and obviously you can do them any color not just black

first thing you need to do is tape the parts of your hair that you dont want to get dye on them and try to spage them out as evenly as you can (unless you're doing different sizes on purpose...)

next, you mix the dye according to the directions that came with it then paint it on with the paint brush on both sides of the hair you taped (front and back) and do it from bottom to top

then you just wait :)

for my hair since its bleached i had to wait 45 minutes :|

just wait as long as the directions say to

then you rinse out the dye in order from bottom to top so all the color is even and so everything doesnt really run together and take the tape off as you go (if the water doesnt make it fall off for you lol)

then there's your result!! coontails :D

worked perfectly for me :)

try it if you want!

thanks for the idea Nicko :) i love you!!

nick is my boyfriend/personal stylist haha

mmmuah!

pigtails, numbers and names ♥

like my pigtails :D nick's idea...of course :)

and i'm gonna do coontails on one side tonight too

wish me luck!!

okay...now for the title of this thing:

pigtails, numbers and names....

throughout the years...there has been a reocurring pattern with number's and names for me.

its going to be difficult to explain this but i wanna get it all out

this has to do with 

my lucky numbers:

5, 8, 15

my unlucky numbers:

3, 4, 18

my favorite numbers:

2, 6, 7, 16

one of the reasons i feel like me and nick are supposed to be together is his name... i met him as "Nicko" which is 5 letters and has 2 of my favorite letters "K" and "O"

The name i met him by and his middle name, Scott, are both 5 letters long and both are my favorite names and his last name is 8 letters long, my other lucky number.

my last ex's all had names that were 4 letters long, and his last ex was 3 letters

add those 2 numbers together and you get 7, which is both of our favorite numbers

my first name and last name our both 7 letters

__________________♥_________________

when i was 4 is when everything bad stuff started happening, my family split

4 years later, we moved and i didnt know anyone

4 years after that, i switched schools and hated it

4 years after that i got my heart broken, but at 16 i met nick :)

and he was 15, one of my lucky numbers

and 15 days after the first day we hung out is when we started dating, June 30th

maybe i'm just wierd, but i dont think they're just coincidences :)

Happy Father's Day

ti made this for my dad for father's day :)

i got him a card but it didnt send and came back to me...so i made him this :)

i was just going to email him the file but i think i will send it to him framed in the mail instead :)

i hope he likes it :D

i worked very hard on this :)

happy Father's day to all of the dad's out there!!

red lipstick

what do you guys think?

i didnt like it on me before, but i think it looks good now kinda :)

maybe its because of my hair is black now it looks better

blow kiss :) muah!!

pictures from today,

i was hoping to see nick today at least to give him a kiss,
a year ago today was our first kiss ♥

pictures of my new hair and modeling for nick :)

nick took these below :)

he's my photographer :)

and he drew the web on my neck...i want it as a tattoo :)

he's gonna design tattoos and draw them on me an make me his tattoo model :D

i'm super excited :)

how do you all like my hair?

and to reply to aidyl and rabbito:

i used to think the same thing about texas XD its actually has more Mexicans there than anything and the only cowboys i've ever seen there are manequins in souvenir shops haha but its really nice there!! the riverwalk is the best place there :)

new hair and shorts,

dont much feel like posting...i dont like my hair :( very disappointed..

sometimes i just wish i had lots of monney so i can buy everything i want

http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Bottoms/Shorts/Tripp-Magenta-And-Black-Shorts-227143.jsp
http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=102&subCategoryId=116&productId=35392
http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=102&subCategoryId=116&productId=33040
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=btms_shorts&product_id=2059945794&Page=all&pgcount=25&sort=lp
http://shop.pacsun.com/girls/dresses/Easy-Printed-Tube-Dress/index.pro?colorCd=054

summer hasnt even been a week yet and its already not going like i thought it would :(

oh well, things will get better soon i hope

i'm going to texas for a month on July 2nd...so i will be blogging alot when i get there i'm sure

but for now...its 2 somethin in the morning....i dont plan to go outside

if so will ride my bike alone tomoro...i dont want anyone to see me :/

well, i've got mahjongg to play...so,

Dear Nick,

I don’t know why im doing this, but I am. Sometimes I feel really hopeless and scared and this is one of those times. I love you and I need you so much, I wish I could really tell you to the extent that I do.. but its so hard to do… I guess these are the things that I’m too scared to say.

                I miss you. I saw you for a second today but I missed you. And I still miss you now. i want to see you all the time this summer just like you said we would…I don’t have much longer before I leave for Texas and I want to spend all the time I can with you, I don’t care what we do or where we go as long as I can see your face or hold your hand or even just know you’re there, I just want you here. I only ask people to hang out because that’s what you want me to do…i don’t want to hang out with anyone but you really right now. you’re still the only one on my mind. Even if I’m hanging out with other people, the only person on my mind is you. Remember the movie “Bridge To Terabithia?” what happened to us promising to always being with each other and making sure each other is safe?...you’re my best friend, I never want to be without you and I don’t want anything bad to happen to either of us. I will still keep my promise whether or not you choose to…

                You said that our relationship didn’t matter with the band…the whole reason I wanted to do this band with you is because we are friends and we work so well together, and I knew it would work with us. And it did, we did the cover ourselves and it sounded so good (the parts we did) and I felt so confident playing around you and with you because you think im good and always tell me how good I am and make me feel like I can really do it, and you play so well…it’s just what I needed. I wish we could still do Northern Thorns at least, because that would work. I love to make music and I want to make it with you, I hope you can find it in you to want to, too. I’d be so sad if you sold your drums. I know you said you hate them, and I know its annoying to always have people wanting you to play.

                I know you’ve been mean the past couple days but I still, honestly, don’t think you’re a d*ck. For the majority of our time together, you have been so incredibly sweet. You’ve done things for me that any girl could only dream of. Everyone hears about all the amazing things you’ve done for me and the things you say and the ways you show you love me and everyone is always like “wow, I wish I had that.” You’re right I like the attention. I love the attention of being able to go to your things at school like games and have everyone already know my name and I like the attention that your dogs will come up to me and let me pet them. I love that people wish they had what we do because I know how special it is and everyone can see it. A lot of people don’t believe in true love and I almost stopped believing but you changed my mind in a second and in 19 days my mind will have been changed for a year and two weeks.

                Now I’m bragging…I have the popular guy who everyone knows. I have the guy that looks better than everyone else’s. I have the guy that will hold my hand infront of his friend and doesn’t care what people think about it. I have the best friend that wont let anyone make fun of me. I have the boyfriend who wont flirt with my friends. I have the boyfriend that doesn’t mind that im weird will be weird right along with me. I have the coach I need to push me through anything I need to get through and make sure I get through it. I have the happy thought to think of in the morning and the call to put me to sleep. i have never had a friend or anyone who has voluntarily cared for and about me as much as you do.

                You really are everything I need… to sum it all up: the care of a father, the protectiveness of a brother, the closeness of a childhood friend, the motivation of a coach, the understanding of a therapist, the comfort of a best friend , the fun of a boyfriend and the love of a husband. God has blessed me with you and you don’t need your glasses on to see that. I still fall in love with you over and over each time I think of you even when you’re being mean. Do you get it now? You are everything to me, THIS is why I need you. everything I have missed out on and everything I need to know…you tell me. I know you want the best for me and so do I, that’s why I wont settle for anything less than the best. And you’re the best.

                I will still do anything for you just like I said, and I will love you forever and I will never leave you. I’m here whenever yo need me and I promise I will…I want us to have everything we planned on and I know I will be able to make you happy. I can be the best person for you and I will show you that I love you every single day in every possible way I can until the day I die.i will make it my oath to you to be able to give you just as much as you have given me and one day I will make it all up to you.

                Its true, I do shed tears when I write to you and its not because im sad but because I’m grateful to have you and im scared to lose you. when I think about you I just want to hold you and be with you and I never want this to end.

I don’t even know if you’ll read this or not…               

I know you’re getting bored and I don’t want you to be…

If you read this and it really means something to you…call me and have the first thing you say is “Baby, I love you”

i'm back to having to go outside for a connection...

may not be able to post alot for a while...

until then...later,

well...

i just want to die...so yeah

summer wishlist, ♥

http://store.iheartdropdead.com/product.php/310/3/bat_dress
http://www.heartagram.com/store/product/vertical-hoodie
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Shoes/Boots/Volatile-Black-Strap-Combat-Boots-203378.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Shoes/Converse/Converse-RED-All-Star-I-Heart-High-Tops-125511.jsp
(and some white fabric paint to write someone's name...♥)
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Tops/Tanks/A-Fine-Mess-Burnout-Guns-Tank-Top-269883.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Tops/Tanks/A-Fine-Mess-Skull-And-Rose-Burnout-Tank-Top-238648.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Dresses/Black-And-White-News-Bow-Dress-265640.jsp
(^^^omg!!!!♥)
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Swim/Turquoise-And-Black-Rib-Cage-OnePiece-Swimsuit-174350.jsp
http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/Bottoms/Denim/Tripp-Purple-Stone-Wash-Skinny-Jeans-208702.jsp
http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=176&subCategoryId=215&productId=35762
(^^^omg!!!!♥)
http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=103&subCategoryId=123&productId=35233
http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=102&subCategoryId=117&productId=35859
http://www.wetseal.com/catalog/product.jsp?categoryId=102&subCategoryId=116&productId=33040
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=top_graphict&product_id=2000003065&Page=4&pgcount=25
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=top_graphict&product_id=2080746270&Page=7&pgcount=25
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=top_graphict&product_id=2075583690&Page=10&pgcount=25
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=sweater&product_id=2068645167&Page=1&pgcount=100&sort=lp
http://www.cute-plush.com/sadcathat.htm
http://www.spencersonline.com/product/black-and-white-stero-printed-belt/
http://www.spencersonline.com/product/multi-size-shain-choker/

everything i wanted to look like...
everything i wanted to do...
everything i have been told...
everything that you know...
everything i feel...
everypain i feel ...
everypain you feel.
                  we feel.
i dont know you...
i dont know why...
i dont know how i did it...
                    but i did it...
i am sorry, sincerely, but it will never matter
i've only seen you in dreams
even before i knew you existed
         and i wish i hadnt
dear lord, i wish i hadnt
because you ruined me
  completely ruined me
  completely tore me apart
                     tore me from the inside out
now where am i now?
   can you guess now?
      do you know now?
i'm excactly where you want me
       in pain
       in tears
       in love
and in fears
     i care about who you are
but i dont know who you are
and it makes no sense..
i dont hate you, i only hate what happened
and in my head i forgave you,
                   and i forgave you too...
but i still cant bear to know you exist
just the same way you cant bear me
he said he's free...
                          and one day i hope to be