photoshop update ~

things i've made recently :)

this is of me. took the pic bouta month ago

for my class mate Cori

for my Tia, Mayra :) she is so pretty

if you havent seen my wallpaper section, these are from it :)

there is more also ^_^ be sure to check out my wallpaper page and request things also ~ !!

okay...venting!! ὺ.ύ

okay, this is something that is annoying the living crap out of me.

i cant stand how some people call skinny people "nasty" or think they have an eating disorder... they say everyone wants to be skinny, but they don't understand that sometimes its really not the best! honestly, i wish i was a size 1, but i am a 0. it is not because i don't eat, i am food's biggest fan. its not because i "purge," i don't. i have a high metabolism and i for some reason cannot gain weight easily and if i do i can't keep it on. the only weight i can gain is muscle, and even though i don't work out i am still toned because that's how my body was made. i'm not skinny because i want to be, its just the way i am.

    it is extremely hard to find clothes being this size, and being short doesn't help. alot of girls wear thier shirts a size too small and don't realize that yes, i wear an extra small...i want my clothes to fit. and that i am nearly an adult, and thata size smaller would be in the children's section! no... i do not want to shop there, i am not a kid anymore.  plus because i am skinny and curvy too, my clothes never fit right. i have...well a good sized chest and backside and sometimes i have to have to search far and wide for a pair of jeans that fit. people go "oh my god you are so skinny!!" but don't they know that it isn't really a compliment when they say it in envy? :\

     i always used to get made fun of for being small. not just short, but skinny too. my doctor always tell me to gain weight, friends tell me to gain weight, make jokes like "you need to eat" and laugh at me and some people are alot more harsh...i wish they would realize that it really really hurts me. that is one of the main reasons i am not confident about my body is because i am so small...but the thing is, i can't do anything about it. i've tried stuffing myself, i've tried to bulk up....one time i only ate rice and pasta and drank soda for 2 months and still didnt get any weight. people say it is hard to lose weight and easy to gain, but for me it is the opposite. and i keep getting smaller!

  7th grade - ~120 lbs.

  8th grade - ~100 lbs.

  9th grade - ~97 lbs.

10th grade - ~90 lbs.

11th grade - ~90 lbs.

12th grade - ~86 lbs.

do they think this is fun??! no! i feel like i am going to vanish into thin air into a few years! i eat more now than i ever have and i am more skinny than i was before! but i look fine...i don't look like i'm dying or anything, i have a nice shape and toned muscles. in fact, i've seen girls skinnyer than me but taller. i don't like the way they make fun of skinny people, it's just as bad as being mean to fat people. its harsh :/ alot of people only pay attention to fat jokes, but the skinny jokes are sometimes worse. and they stereotype fat people as being "jolly" or just that they eat alot, but you know what they think about skinny people? "bolemic" "anorexic" ...it's just mean :(

i will probably never be much bigger than  this either, my whole family is small...but no matter whoever, people need to watch what they say because alot of people are hurt by comments alone and no one knows because they wont say anything.

...k done venting :)

its out today!!!!!!!

i really hope i can get it <333333

tired blehh >_< kitty want sleep!

well i woke up today really late....i was not happy at all -___-

woke up at 6:30 had to leave at 6:35

i was so not done sleeping!!

its pajama day...so it took a long time cuz i dont wear pajamas so i had to find some >_>'

yes its exactly what you think lol dont think about that too hard xDDD

i also got my new bus pass today

i ride a short bus -_- i get made fun of for it so bad >_>

it is not because i am disabled (well i kinda am though xD)

but not alot of people take the bus because you have to pay for it so they use a small bus to save money on diesel.

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modelling appointment thursday ~ worried ~ i am afraid to know how i'll do. t is now very much hitting me in the head that this is a job. not just an opportuntiy.. if they accept me, i can get paid... i can be in magazines... there is a small chance that this could go somewhere and possibly have the 15 minutes of fame i always dreamed of.. now i am even more nervous than before. but i am still excited to do it...

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i have also been having really bad pains in my right knee. i have had arthiritis since i was 10 years old, mostly because of vigorous amounts of dancing, along with bike riding and playing hockey and baseball alot it took a big strain on my knees...especially ballet.  i think it is because the muscles you use to play sports counteract with the muscles i use to dance. dancing gets you more flexible while sports make you stronger but less flexible and i didn't really get that yet. it feels like to me that the only sport you can play as a dancer is track and cross-country...maybe cuz those are the ones that strained me less, but who knows. well a couple of days ago i woke up and my knee was throbbing and feels really hot right now. i went to go sit on the couch and my hand was on my knee and i felt air bubbles moving around in my knee!!!! it was so icky feeling >_>' i made my sis feel it and she got all shrivelled up in her part of the couch and made a deep squealing noise that reminded me of a dying baby pig O_o i was like jeez is it really that gross?? ...well yes it is haha. last night on my way to bed i was doing stretches and when i bent my knee up i saw the bubble float across my patella and it felt so grooosssss! i felt it rise up my skin and sink into a crevise behind my knee-cap and i pretty much passed out xD thats how i fell asleep xDDD hahahahaha oh my goodness it was so wierd. i need to go to the doctor about it soon.

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i will post later, i have work to do online. i also have some big news to tell you all :)

x  o  x  o  ~  ♥

walkin to kroger...new vlog :)

there's A LOT of wind and i dont know if you can hear me, but yeah xD

snow angel? .......no haha cold? yes =.=

random webcam pics

i woke up in the middle of the night because of my knee hurting and randomly took pictures lol

all edited on photoscape...nothing fancy :)

exclusive ;D

video of me getting ready this morning...only on blogger :)

enjoy xD ...it actually cut off halfway and the music didnt do what i told it to -_-

cuz the other half was the eyeshadow part and there was another song lol

i'll reupload it later or somethin

i re-uploaded it ^_^ enjoy it...if you can xD

btw, at the end, the eyeshadow is covergirl, black and purple :)

forgot to show it because my mom was talking to me and i was in a hurry

neeeevermind :/

no modelling today -______________-
now its on thursday @_@ this is retarded lol

unedited...no makeup...

 no makeup :/ i need to get ready

my appointment changed again...now its at 1pm and its 10:50 right now

 my luck, it has snowed about an inch, and i'm wearing heels

i also woke up with a migrane and for some reason my knee is swollen and it hurts to move it :/

this really sucks :/ my stomach hurts too, but i know thats nerves.

i had a blueberry muffin and some granola for breakfast...

i could really go for a hot coco right about now :/

i'm so scared i'm gonna do bad today.

i'm wearing a simple dark outfit and contemplating whether to wear my hair down or in a pony tail

i'll probably do a smokey eye and light pink on my lips but not much foundation...as usual....

well, i'll tell you guys how it goes...ttyl

Photography - Heaven's Deep Hiding

:'(

it has been a horrible day...

and now i'm going to do horrible tomoro :(

i can pretty much say goodbye modelling dream...

i really needed today to be perfect

i fought through all my emotions to stay in a good mood

this morning was bad so i tried to keep my head up

just waiting for after school so i could talk to nick

...but he would barely talked to me

today was the first day in over 3 months that i didn't get to hear his voice.

i feel...incomplete... goodnight..

Poem - That Shy Girl

it's wierd to have this feeling back again
that feeling like you don't know what you're doing
the feeling where all you want to be
is noticed by you...for you to see me

i turned into that shy girl again,
that shy girl, that can't say anything
the one you met who cried on you
the one you always told everything

she never left, she's always been here
laying down, staring out, towards the direction of your house
from her window, then she sleeps
sleeps and only dreams of you

"i miss you" she mutters
under her breath as she sighs
"i love you.." she mumbles
as her loneliness, she dienies
she cries,
sometimes
but only when you're gone
because she just wants to say hi
but is scared you wont reply

i turned into that shy girl again,
that girl, that can't say anything
the one you met who cried on you
the one who told you everything

she never left, she's always been here
laying down, staring out, towards the direction of your house
from her window, and wimpers, then she sleeps
sleeps and only dreams of you...and me

"dance with me" she laughs, she puts on her shoes
ready to skip out the door, but knowing she'll always lose
because of a choice she cannot choose
because some things are too painful to work through

she worries too much, worries about you
she loves you so much, everyone knows its true
she doesn't want to complain,
but she longs only for you

the passion in her surpasses wildflowers
ripping through wind like telephone wires
the sounds of ghosts in night don't mourn like her
against the wall, no one would die like her

because she knows no one can love you like her
not even an angel could fly past where her butterflies take her
because your eyes are her heaven, and life is her hell
without you with her, there's no story to tell

i turned into that shy girl again,
that girl who's scared of everything
the one you met who cried on you
the one who, for you, will do anything

she never left, she's always been here
laying down, staring out, towards the direction of your house
from her window, and wishes, then she sleeps
sleeps and only dreams of us to be
f  o  r  e  v  e  r

new scarf & new banner!

i got a new scarf :) and a cardigan :D i just thought i looked cute ^_^
took this yesterday night, but bought the items at a thrift store on black friday

of course wearing my trademark razorblade necklace :P

when i dance...i dance to this

lately this has been my main songs i dance to
i dance to others too...but just the mood i've been in has been these...
and yes, i get down >:D

hehe i made the playlist the colors of my shoes ^_^

bad morning :(

that blue came out brighter than i thought >_>

randomly wore the blue barrette today...i lost my bobbie pins :(

this morning i didn't get to talk to nick :( basically started off my morning bad... its like there's a routine, talk in the morning before school, text when i get home, then he calls me when he gets home then plays video games then calls again before he goes to sleep. i was insanely tired last night :( i wanted to talk a little bit but he didn't call me :( but i apparently fell asleep while we were on webcam and he thought it was adorable xD i hate not talking to him, especially now that it is dark in the mornings because i'm still tired and he always says cute things that cheer me up so im awake, but today all i got was the "ttyl i love you" before school started :( i was super sad!
i barely slept last night either and when i did i had a bad dream :( so i woke up in a bad mood... it was one of those dumb dreams that make you want to strangle people that you don't even hate which is horrible!! and makes me feel bad T^T i hate bad dreams they're like a tripple bad mood. i get mad about the dream its self, then mad that i had the dream, then i feel bad for thinking of the person the wrong way @_@ just cant win!
i also managed to forget my ipod this morning -________- so great.

i just realized that its friday...

i have the modelling appointment tomaro D:

AND I'M HAVING A BAD DAY!!!

i needed a good day today :( now i'm gonna be a mess tomaro

ughhhh and i still havent chosen my pictures ~

now i'm stressed out :(

this sucks :( *crawls into corner*

ugh save me!!

saw this on Najla's blog today. i wish more people thought this way..

i have 5 out of 6 of these :( it sucks to be made fun of

i get picked on alot for stuff like this, and it got me in the habit of picking back which is bad...but i think everyone should be accepted regardless of how they look

the only difference of me with this picture is that i actually get made fun of for being a size 0 (well smaller) because i am so much smaller than everyone else. i eat plenty of cookies (when i have them) but i just don't gain weight :( kinda sucks haha

the secret friendship.

this post is about a girl i'll call my secret friend. 

she's a nice girl, and she's pretty, but we've never talked. 

i see her in the hallway every day,

and i see her at the lunch table across the room when i first come in

because she is the only person who gets there before me.

every day, we don't talk at all.

but every day, she smiles at me and i smile back

and it's random...because we both never smile.

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it's a wierd thing, but she is one of my favorite people

no matter how sad she looks in the morning, she always smiles at me.

people say hi, but they never really smile...if they do it's because they feel like they should and you can tell because they look past you and not at you

but she looks straight at me, and smiles at me

and it's not a "hi random person in the hallway" smile

it feels more like a "i'm happy to see you" smile

i'm happy to see her too

maybe, i'll talk to her one day.

just one of those random little things in life that make me feel happy.

God, why?

i was attacked by a dog this morning :\ i was finally starting to break my fear of them but today changed that. when i got to the bus stop i didnt see it cuz it was dark, & didnt hear it cuz i had in head phones and it pounced me and i fell to the ground. i had hot chocolate and when i fell it spilled on my face (which hurt) and got in my eyes and the dog almost bit my face! i felt it's lip brush my nose and freaked out!!! i kept trying to hold it back and i thought it was going to like kill me or rip me apart! the owner finally came out of his house and got the dog, but i was like petrafide :( i ran home to change sweaters and wash off my face then ran back to the bus stop and surprisingly didn't miss it. @_@ it was hell i was so scared :( and now i'm gonna smell like dog all day :\ my eyes hurt...the only day i decide not to bring my glasses -__-

my lips were really chapt when i woke up so i put blistex and lip tint on them...i figured the tint would make the light dry parts more red to match the parts of my lip that i bit off in my sleep...i was right :) it was a nice quick fix up... might do it again.

yesterday in class i got worried... we were learning about IEP and disabilities, and turns out i fit into the categories to qualify for special help :/ it didn't cross my mind until someone looked at me after a couple of things were said...then i looked at the paper again and got a little sad. the counselor said i'm severely depressed and that i need medication :\ i already know that... i just don't want to take the medicine anymore... i was doing okay without it for a while but it has gotten really really bad again...and i hate it. forever. it sucks to deal with it :( and i've got PTSD so i'm always paranoid...plus stupid voices in my head always tell me things that are never good. the only good characters in my imagination can't talk :( but the mean ones can. i learned that... the ones that can talk arent all good, only the ones who can't talk are good. they're never mean to me. i wont talk any more about this...

i was just listening to the song "She's Anti" by Home Grown and i was like O_O

what a violent girl...i feel like her sometimes, not gonna lie >_> but i couldn't kill everyone like she did xD the way they sing it makes it sound humorous...but if she existed then we'd all be in trouble haha now i'm listening to New Found Glory for the first time in 3 years...i actually kind of miss this band.

honestly, i just really need one of those days, where i can lay next to the person i love. quiet or not, i don't care and i don't care where. i miss him. i miss being happy. i want to lay with him and talk about what we love about eachother. i want him to kiss my nose and forehead so i cant cry anymore. i want to cuddle and snuggle with him, he's the only one that can do it the right way and keep me warm... i want him.. for the rest of my life... i would beg God for it if he would hear me..

intense dance session!

today i danced for about an hour @_@ 

i actually choreographed part of dance for a song i like

then i recorded myself....

but turns out the lighting was bad so i wont upload it :[

i was doin so good too >.<

now i'm coolin down

i am so addicted to hot chocolate...i'm at the last pack now D: wahhh!! i have 10$ left and im tempted to just spend it all on more coco >_<

if i ever do make a dance video...i will only post it to blogger and no where else

you guys are the only ones i trust xD