"I have lost the belief that people can be nice to you if you are nice to them. I'm never letting anyone in anymore."

my title is a quote from Koo's last blog post. and i couldn't empathize with it more. 

i remember back in my childhood days, i was always taught at school, church and home, the Golden Rule. "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" or as my pre-school teacher from church said, "If you want to get candy, you have to give candy first." [[she died this summer :( R.I.P. Miss Newman.]] and i followed it. what better way to bribe a 4 year old than with candy? but soon candy turned into ice cream, and ice cream turned into friends, then friends turned into so-called friends, who turned into please-dont-forget-me's, which turned into at-least-you-dont-hate-me's. 

     it didn't used to be hard to let people in, but now i notice that i never really let in a lot of people. i would talk to them, but they would know absolutely nothing about me besides my favorite bands and that i like to draw. they wouldn't know that my favorite color is purple, or that i didn't have my first kiss until i was 15 years old, or that i dont talk to anyone at school outside of school. they don't have an idea. they don't know my favorite shows, they dont know that i have a blog, they don't know that i love cream soda. nothing. there are even people who have called me thier best friend who didn't even know that i hated hamburgers, or that i hated always listening to them talk and never get to vent myself, they didnt know that i was thier best friend but they werent mine. there are people who have known me for over 3 years that don't know my parents are split up. or still cant pronounce my name right, or know that i have 2 last names. people let me in because i'm a good listener and i like to make people feel better and happy, but in most instances i never have truely gotten that treatment back.

the sad part is, i could have  used the Golden Rule against them, but i didnt.

it's not fair. if they weren't being nice to me, i shouldn't have been nice to them...if i couldnt get a word in, i shouldnt have let them get a word in back. but for some reason i cant be a revengeful person, although i have always thought of getting revenge on so many people, i hardly ever do. i have guilt trips over thoughts, which is enough punishment for me. sometimes, i just think of someone, and think to myself "you are dead to me." and they don't even know. and it annoys me that i am still nice to everyone after they hurt me. but i'm actually being mean to them, because i am not being nice to them because i want to, i only am nice because it is my first instinct. i do think through my every action (way too much) but i also don't think about some of them very thoroughly. such as, people saying hi to me. they wave to me in the hallway so i smile and wave back, two seconds later, i'm thinking "i should have punched them!!"

     it does annoy me that i almost cannot be a mean person, but at the same time i am thankful for it... if i was mean to people, there would be a lot of drama, which i don't like (i personally prefer theater ;D) the only high school drama i have is Degrassi, and all i do with that is watch it. and besides, if i was a mean person, i would be too mean of a person.. people tell me alot about them, i could use anything they tell me against them and point out every time they've hurt me or any mistake they've made, and i know how to push people's buttons and make them explode because i pay that much attention to detail. people underestimate how smart i am. i actually think they should admire me for being able to control myself so well that i havent completely crushed thier spirits... there are some people, that have hurt me so bad that i should never even talk to them again, but i am still nice to them. but that is beginning to stop...fast.

     the reason this quote caught my attention so quick is because of something that happened today, this afternoon. i was breaking down and freaking out. one of the people who i for some reason thought i could count on, just so happened to get online right as i was about to get off. she always tells me how she feels and i always help her out. nick was having a mean moment and somehow bella had a feeling that i was sad. thinking i could trust her, i told her i was sad because i wanted to get my feelings out... and i wasnt crying, just shaking. until she sent me things that i had posted on his wall of FB and pictures i tagged of him and then i got sad and started to cry... i begged her over and over again not to say anything to nick. i just needed someone to talk to, i was too scared to call him because he was upset with me and i was scared so i talked to her because i thought i could trust her. but she didn't know the whole story.. she blew up without knowing the whole story and sent nick a really mean and wordy message when i begged her not to say anything to him. because that is one of the worst things to do with him... having people sending him dumb messages cussing at him for making me sad... this is the first time it has ever happened and it wont (better not) happen again. he will leave me if something like that happens... now, i don't think he trusts me and i worked so hard to get him to trust me :( now it makes me not want to try to trust anybody. i told her that it wouldnt be helping. she says all the time "Asberry you're my best friend i love you" but she almost just ruined my relationship for good... the sad part is, she was my only really really close friend. she always talked to me when i was lonely, we always had something to talk about, even though she was 11 she was a little mature for her age and always made me have fun even though we dont know eachother in real life. always sharing anime and youtube links, talking about the wierd things our sims say and songs to write in our notebook. i loved having her as a friend (when she wasnt being stubborn) she was like a little sister to me, but she rarely ever listened to me... i was always there for her, and i thought she was there for me too, but she wouldn't have messaged him if she really did love me. because instead of helping me heal, i almost got my heart broken again. the number one thing i hate is when people get involved with my personal relationship. it makes me hate people... very quickly... i can't be her friend anymore. if she can't respect my wishes then i cant be her friend.. if i cant trust her or tell her anything.. i cant. 

i'm sorry Bella. we had alot of good memories, 

but this friendship has to be over... 

and i know you're going to cry over this. 

but remember how i always told you, 

to save your tears to cry over someone who's worth it? 

you can cry over me.

i wont let anyone in anymore. i had already stopped, i don't know why i thought that this would be worth it. it is like i have no luck with friendships... no matter who it is, i almost always get betrayed or walked on. and it kills me. i just wanted a friend that i could talk to about random things and trust to tell my feelings to. i have nick of course, but it was nice to have a best girl friend. because i don't usually have a lot of girl friends. i am trying to talk more to girls because i don't want people thinking of me wrong for having alot of guy friends and i don't want to upset nick either so i try to talk to more girls. 

     its a really confusing feeling, do you want to try to make a new friend or shut everyone out? because the second option is beginning to seem like a really good idea. and i'll probably do it. but is it right? should i close myself in again? i think i'm going to stay in my hole away from everyone...