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Monday, November 22

i wish today was one..
there are just some days where there is a memory
and there are just some memories that are so much worse than others
sometimes they are just so much worse that it makes you want to cry 
in public
and throw up
and scream
and it just doesnt matter who is around.
right now i feel sick to my stomach. it didn't hit e until nicko hung up last night to go to sleep, that today was Ville Valo's birthday. my favorite singer of all time. the worst part about this day, is that it is unlucky. extrememly unlucky. having hope last year, i let something bad happen... it was a wierd feeling that day. i was looking foreward to a great day, but i got a text that was supposed to go to someone else and i knew what was going to happen already, but at the same time i didn't, then also hoped and prayed that it wouldnt. but it did. i was furious. i was devastated. i was so messed up and it has changed the way i feel about certain things.
 today, of last year, was when i officially became a jealous person.
this morning i was in a horrible mood. i didn't know what to feel, or what to do or anything. i woke up at 3:30-something AM and couldnt get to sleep again. so i left my house and went on a walk for a while and came back. it was about a hour later and i was torn up from thinking so much so i cried...i was so mad and sad and upset, it was like it had just happened all over again. i felt alone and helpless but i didn't want any help, i just wanted comfort, but i didnt want to talk to anyone. not even nick... i took a shower and got dressed and layed down until 6:30 then went to the bus. i'm exhausted right now. i didn't text him this morning like i usually do because of my mood being so bad and i didn't want to say anything mean to him. he wasn't happy about that and text me so i said i was sorry.. he told me not to think about the past anymore. of course i try to not think about the past but it's a real struggle because i almost never forget anything, i remember everything down to the detail. i remember texts and conversations i had the day and everything. its all so vivid, every memory is. its a sad feeling... he reassured me that everything was going to be fine... he said he would never do anything to hurt me like that ever again and that i am the only one for him. it warmed my heart... to hear those words "i love you" on this day meant alot to me. i should have talked to him so he could have cheered me up instead of avoiding him. i'm sorry nicko i love you so much
this is what i look like today
i guess i look good in green? i always thought i looked good in this color of green. i'm also wearing my HIM shirt with dark blue jeans. and i have in my guitar ear ring :) like it? its cute right? my mom got it for me when she went to rock and roll hall of fame a couple years ago and the guitars actually say "fender" on them =) i love them ^_^
i'm starting to really get good with photoscape~ i think
all of the pics in this post are taken with webcam and edited in photoscape
and my webcam quality is actually really bad o_o
which means i edit really good!! =D
was listening to system of a down
lonely day ...its a good song ..well all thier songs are good >.<
speaking of songs...
and music...

Happy Birthday Ville Valo
you are officially 34 :)

1 comment:

P o o p e r said...

Oh ;___; I'm glad that the day ended on a happy note atleast. I know what you mean, I can't forget certain events neither, even the painful ones. I dislike the memories even more, especially when they're associated with songs/artist I use to really love. D: (ex: ex use to be obsessed with miyavi, therefore I can't listen to miyavi the same way as before)

SOAD is amazing! <333 I'm still devastated how they're on a hiatus.

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