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Sunday, December 6

picture paradox.

(i made it into a kitty picture XD) regardless of the smiling picture, i obviously didnt take that today, (not only is it in another post a few days ago, but) i'm having a horrible weekend. i guess last night my boyfriend's friend was messin with my head and i got really sad...i turned off my phone after i said "whatever makes you happy..." so you can take a wild guess at what was said. even worse i was at my friend's house, sitting there crying. despite thier efforts to make me happy, i just asked to be taken home, so i left and went home. i got in the house to see that the food i put in the refrigerator had been eaten and my sister was conviently placed on the couch so that i couldnt get to the TV or my bass. it was late so i couldnt get on the computer, and i didnt really want to. i went to my room and just kept on with what i was doing. i tried to listen to music, but they were all love songs, since thats what i like to listen to...but i didnt wanna hear it. i turned off the cd player, turned off the light, took 7 tylenol and drank 4 bottles of water...my headache never left, i still have it. i turned my phone back on in the middle of the night maybe around 2 or something but i dropped it under the bed, so when i picked it up i just turned it off again, i knew i hit a few buttons and was afraid i had possibly called someone and i didn't want to find out if i had or not, nor did i want someone to call me because if i answered they wouldnt be able to understand me, and if i didnt i would get a voicemail which im always reluctant to check. i lied on my bed in the dark not thinking about anything, Mimi was crawling across my hands(and i know you don't know who that is but i dont think im ready to tell...) the last time i saw looking at the clock was 7:26 am, then i was so exhausted and my head hurt so bad i was just knocked out. i had an entirely horrible and explicit dream that im not going to take the time to type out - especially not in detail - and i woke up sad again, hoping to wake up happy. i went back to sleep, then i woke up 10 minutes later. i had another nightmare. i looked up and there was 70 hovering over me (and i know you don't know who that is but i dont think im ready to tell...) all i hear is what the voices feed to me...my mom and sister go to my granma's every morning so they werent there and it was about 8:00 am. i woke up to a "Tht wasnt me" then an "i love you" then "..?" (as a reply to my accidental button pressing around 2) i fell asleep again then woke up at almost 9 and i see "Kitty really.." and on twitter he said "I love Asberry Ann Quinones!" i stared at the phone screen for a while then finally said back "i love Nicholas Scott Mutters :)" he replied "o my god thank god... i was about to cry last night" i told him i actually did cry, but he already knew. i dont think he knew for how long, though. "i no babygirl, im so so so sorry.." he said, and i told him its alright because im getting used to it. something very similar to this happened to me before, and i hate the way it makes me feel...we tried to make conversation but when asked what he was up to, he said he was sitting with his firend..and i didn't really want to know anything else...so far all of his friends i've met are nice to me except him. but thats the one who he talks to the most :( i almost feel like i have to compete with him sometimes...i dont really know what to do, i always let it slide and just forgive him. it's the best thing to do anyways, nothing would come from confronting the issue. its something in Psychology i learned is called conditioning, just as you condition for sports your brain conditions as well. there are different types of conditioning and this is an example of one, i'm getting used to his friend doing this to me and it probably isnt good, but i'd rather get used to it than cause anything to rupture. i wish he didnt think it was funny, crushing my heart is not funny, but i have learned that he has no respect for me and probably doesnt realize how sensitive i am...but i guess he doesnt have to, i guess its just one of those things i'll have to get over or whatever...

1 comment:

Mina said...

It's sounds like he's jealous, your boyfriend's friend. Maybe he thinks that you are eplacing him. Maybe you should try talking to him about it, if you haven't already.

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