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Thursday, March 17

i almost completely lost it.

it was only for a moment but it felt so crazy. we were talking about life, just trying to figure out what it is. concluding to that it's worthless because all you do in the end is die...i tried to think positive about it, but it was no use. no matter what, we die. God will never bless me. I'm 18 and i've already got arthritis, chronic depression and i'm a schiz with a family that either hates me or that i can never see, and i'm poor and cant get a job. like life will always be shit for me. i tried to look on the upside but there didnt seem to be one and no matter what i couldnt find anything. all i know is that life is backwards, the best people in the world are the ones that get the worst problems and the ones who deserve life the most gets it taken from them the earliest. there are so many bitches and liars that don't deserve anything to be handed to them but they're the ones who get what they want, the people that treat others like shit, lie, dont forgive and dont say sorry and talk bad about any person that cares for them. i was struggling with the denial of there being no God, which i've tried to believe in Him but i completely thought he wasnt real after i was 8 years old. God wouldnt do this to people... i still tried to find a good side and i tried hard but i couldnt...there was nothing...and for about 10 minutes i had no purpose in life. i snapped almost completely. i had no reason to live, and that was the only thing going through my head. and i got up and i walked to the door, not sure what i was saying or if i said something all i remember is that i knew i had no reason to be alive and that i didn't know what i was doing. nick said "come back to the camera" and i heard that and walked back and sat down. i dont remember what i was thinking other than "get out of your room and run get out of your room and run" and i wanted to run just aimlessly somewhere hoping i'll find something...a sign or something.. but i resisted and i stayed. i cried silently, breathing irregularly because i'm not sure what was wrong with my chest but it felt like i was being crushed. a life with no meaning...that's like the worst thing for me to know. as a person who strives and has to find and have a meaning or 5 for even little things like showering. i kept saying "why am i here" but who's gonna answer? there's no God...whats he gonna do if he's not there? i knew he wasnt but as i was still in denial i was praying still, or trying to, begging in my mind for some sign that there has to be a reason for me to be alive. because if i dont have a reason for doing or having something, i wont do it, i wont like it, i wont want to do it and i'll want it gone. you can conclude from that last sentence that at that very moment, i didn't want to be alive at all. what was i going to do now? now that my life has no reason, and none of my so-called "friends" actually care about me, now what? now that i've cared for so many people in my life, and none of them would even take a bullet in the leg for me, now what? i'm stupid with schoolwork and disorganized with everything that doesnt have to do with a computer, now what? and i'm alive with no reason. what the fuck am i supposed to do now? "i'm your reason. where would i be without you? i dont want to know and i dont wanna find out, it could have been really bad" he's right...just how i could have been really bad..i never wonder too hard where i would be without him, because i know how scary the thought is. because what would i do without him? if we had never stolen eachothers hearts then we might have never gotten as close as we are. even though we're both pretty messed up, we're messed up just enough to understand eachother and i think that might be what makes us perfect. we're both 2 extraordinary people that no one ever really noticed were extraordinary. it makes me wonder what people would do if they really knew us. i think either they'd be scared or we'd be famous. he's my reason to live. he's amazing and beautiful, complex, interesting, sweet and smart. and i love him in every way.

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