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Monday, March 28

i'm sorry :'(

i hurt you, and it's just hitting me now.
even though we hadn't dated yet, i cant believe myself.
you're perfect, you're so perfect..
i had finally got my good luck and i almost ruined it.
i wish i could've grasped the feeling then, i'm so sorry.
i understand now, why you were so angry, because i feel real jealousy now
back then, it was a feeling that i just didn't have.
and it was confusing, that feeling was really confusing
because i just hated it, i didn't want to feel it so i had made a reason not to, just to keep myself from pain i thought was unnecessary.

i'll tell you how it started if you promise not to get mad.

okay, here it goes. i hope you dont feel uncomfortable.
if you do, then i'm sorry and i hope you forgive me.

in middle of 6th grade, i told you about that boy i had been dating since the 4th grade, T.W.
he cheated on me with my best friend and sort of had a double life.
even though i didn't love him and we werent serious (i mean, like we were 12...so i guess kinda serious for 12) i was still hurt and scarred by it. it wasn't so much jealous as i was confused.
it was more of a "...but why did you do that?" feeling than a "that should have been me" feeling.
it was kind of like the first feel of a heartbreak, it hurt mostly because i didn't expect it and it had been happening all along. i think i knew, but i was in denial because i didnt want to believe it. and i did know...i had to have know, he would always hug her and kiss her on the cheek, but he would never touch me other than to push me or play fight. i just thought it was because they'd known eachother longer. i don't know. i was 12, i just wanted to be happy.
i almost had another boyfriend in the 6th grade who had been my friend for years but he had a girlfriend, she just lived far away so they took breaks between holidays for when she came back up. i didn't know until one of my other friends told me...and i found out he wasnt really interested in me, he just wanted to kiss me, so i actually just completely stopped being his friend altogether.
in 7th grade, i got a boyfriend...probably the worst one i'd ever had. i wasted a pretty long time on him and near the end i just didnt even like him anymore.
it was this guy named Tyler, i don't much talk about him. unless i think back far about the topic of "players" he doesnt really ever come to mind.
he was one of my first friends at the school, i didnt know anyone there. he conveniently was placed sitting next to me in every class. we passed notes all the time, usually making fun of the teacher or other people. he said he thought i was cool so he asked for my phone number and we started talking on the phone. a month or something later he passed me a note saying "will you be my girlfriend" and  i said sure.
it was alright at first...nothing was really different, he just waved at me in the hallway and sometimes stopped at my locker. still never hugged or anything and didn't hang out outside of school. only a couple weeks later, he would only pass me notes when no one was looking, he wouldnt talk to me in public, only on the phone. he wouldnt meet at my locker or even sit at my lunch table, and wouldnt hang out besides school.
and it really didnt much bother me until i saw him holding hands with another girl in the hallway...i was a little mad so i asked about it and he dumped me. i was a little mad, even though i didn't really "like him" like him, he was still my boyfriend so i expected him to at least stay loyal
after we broke up nothing changed, still talked on the phone, he called to be mean to me one time because he thought i would be a bitch about it, but i was cool with being friends and he said he was sorry about the whole thing and asked me out again, so i said yes again with a little more hope.
this time lasted 3 or 4 months without breaking up, i was excited about it...but i was stupid for it, because he tried to make it some mysterious secret love kind of thing, but he was realy just cheating on me and didn't want the other girls to find out.
he would tell me how he wanted me to be his first kiss and asked me if he could hold my hand, because one time he tried to hold my hand and it surprised me so i punched out his jaw and he got mad. i didn't think he earned it so i didn't want him to. i thought it was nice that he wanted to kiss me, but i wasnt ready for kissing at all, i still thought it was wierd in a way and didn't think it was the right time.
but it didn't matter, because he was lying.
after we had been "secretly" dating for 3 1/2 months i found out he had been cheated on me with 5 different girls, and i even knew them...one of them were one of my close friends, but we've actually never disliked eachother...and still dont dislike her lol she's always been cool
he used to do this thing where he'd 3 way call his other girlfriends while he was on the phone with me and tell me not to say anything. it was probably the suckyest feeling ever, coz i had to listen to him talk to other girls in a way he didn't even talk to me. and he always asked for my best friends phone numbers, like it would help.
he always just dumped me and re-asked me out and even if i said no he'd still act like nothing happened. we started going  out again a couple weeks before school let out and on field day i basically saw it all. he actually walked past me holding a girl that i knew, holding her hand and even kissed her and just smiled at me and walked past. my best friends knew that i was going out with him and they were pissed off and i was sad, and they went to go confront him for me and he came up to me while i was sitting by myself after school waiting for my friends to get out of school and he came up to me with a bag that had all of our notes in it and he dumped it out on me and said he hated me and that we're over.
after that i thought it just meant that all guys wanted more than one girl. in my head that translated to "if you really care about him, you can let him do what he wants" so i put in this mindset that if i ever started to care about a boy at all, i wouldnt try to tie them down or anything, and if they wanted another girlfriend then fine. if they just want me, that's great. i just wasnt ever sure that would happen.
i never dated anyone i hadnt already been friends with. even though i didn't have alot of boyfriends, but it was just something i prefered...coz if you're friends first it works out better. well here comes my first sort of serious boyfriend...saying sort of because it was just an odd relationship.
it was a little wierd, kind of complicated, really shy and kinda awkward.
it was probably my first real crush even though any other girl would have never found a reason to like him.
he threw rocks at my head everyday for a whole school year, gave me a dead cricket as a present, wrote my name as "ASSBERRY" on my locker and spraypainted what was supposedly me on the back wall of the pool. of course me and my best friend retaliated with something much better. he always tripped me in the hallway and we always had paper wars, but we never spoke even a word to eachother. it was wierd...cause we knew alot about eachother from a mutual best friend and we were just alike but never exchanged more than looks really and sometimes paper balls to the head. finally at the end of the year he said hi to me and i said hi back, of course he still threw rocks at my head but at least they werent big rocks now? lol everyonce in a while he would talk to me in class if we were in a group but he was super quiet. after school was out he asked me out but i went to texas for a month and a half so we didnt really get to hang out. he was afraid to call me so he would make his friends do it for him, and he always told me to call him but whenever he answered he would just breathe into the phone and get scared and hang up...so we always talked on myspace because for some reason he couldnt talk to me. we always hung out in groups, played basketball or baseball or just walked around...it was a little wierd, because he wouldnt really talk to me the whole time and i'd stay all day. we broke up for a little while just because he just wanted to, and i had another boyfriend for about a month and a half but i didn't like him like a boyfriend so i had to break up with him. then i ended up back with this guy. after we'd been going out off and on for about a year, we finally hung out and talked at the same time. he got the courage to ask me for a hug and my friend he walked me home with said to just do it, and i hugged him. i know that's nothing big for most people but it was really big for me. i mean its not like i hugged everybody, i only really hugged girls. at the end of the weekend, it was spring break weekend, i went to hug him bye when i was leaving and he "kissed" me, in quotes because he bit me, and he apologized for it for like 2 years lol but that was my first kiss, and even though we hung out alot after it happened, we didn't ever kiss again until fall of the next year.
looking back, he cheated on me alot, usually the names of the girls were reoccuring. there were always rumors going around about him and my friend that he liked, but he hung out with her and turned out he really didnt like her. sometimes he would break up with me randomly then go makeout with some girl and then get back with me, which still feels like a cheat but since it wasnt i didn't say anything. then after a while he started actually cheating on me, and i would honestly just cry about it for like a minute then get over it and just say "ok if he's happy im happy" and just let it go. he actually stopped for a while and things got really good and i was pretty happy, but we broke up after he cheated on me just all the way cheated, like cant even take it back cheated and was being a total asshole about it and rubbing it in my face. my general life wasnt going well and after that happened i was basically just done and reached my breaking point and actually cried...and it was wierd cuz i'd never cried like that before besides when people died. it was that confusion and shock once again. that "why would you do that?" question.
i didnt ask but when he sent me a really long apology i got my answer...different than anyone else's answer for that question. and it kinda made sense but kinda did and it was in the middle of being thoughtless and thoughtful. he said he respected me too much, and that i was the only girl he'd ever been shy around or anything and that he never really liked someone this much and was scared of me sorta. he was a boy...who was interested in kissing and other various things that he knew i wasnt into, and he was too scared to lose me to ask me to do it and wouldnt ever force me so he just did it with other people instead....he admitted that he felt guilty about it and he wish he hadnt done all that stuff because he knew he ruined it. after that, we were done with it. i loved him but i wasnt in love with him, and its hard to explain that. we were really great friends after that, turns out we were meant to be just best friends. we always had fun when we hung out and nothing was ever wierd, it didnt feel like nothing ever happened but it wasnt something we were really ashamed of. he was sad that he ruined everything because he thought i was a great girl and i was sorry it didn't work out but we were happy we were friends. now, i havent talked to him in over a year, but i'm sure he's doing fine.
even though we were friends after and everything, it still just kind of made the non-jealousy thing kinda worse, because now, not only was i fine with being cheated on, i now didn't want to be in any kind of serious relationship. i concluded that i never wanted to get married, i wasnt going to have kids or anything. i kinda just wanted to die alone because i thought that's what i was going to do. i was sort of hopeless, i didn't think love was real and since my family didn't work out and it didnt look like one would with me, i just wanted to avoid the whole thing. i never wanted to get serious again
then i got a boyfriend that had no intention of ever being serious that ended up being a big mistake...long story short he was a flirt and i should've noticed earlier, he liked my best friend the whole time he was with me and i was in denial about it after it seemingly got serious and i should have broke up with him when i had planned to instead of getting myself sucked into something i thought i had to feel, that accidentally turned only seemingly real but was really just a lie that was so confusing that it sort of broke my heart. it doesnt bother me now, but it destroyed me for a moment, and you fixed it.


i got so lucky to get you. you were perfect, completely. everything i'd ever wanted. i felt what real love was and fell in love in less than a day. it was so sweet and so scary at the same time. even then, i loved you so so so much. and i was so scared. and now it's hitting me that i hurt you just as hard as the ground hit me when i fell for you, and you know for a fact that that was a really hard and fast fall for you.
the first person to ever do exactly what i wanted. to be with me, to prove to me that you really wanted me, to chase after me, to hang out with me, to not be afraid to be with me and to love me. you helped me when i was scared, you came over all the way to my house just to sit and talk with me, endless conversations and so friendly and so nice. we were friends and you treated me better than any boyfriend ever had and you were so perfect. i was still getting over that false heartbreak and you helped me, always made me happy. always. and i almost blew it because i was confused and in a rut, in a situation that i wasnt sure how to handle.
i didn't know how real jealousy felt, partially because i sheltered myself from it. and you say i was lucky that i didnt ever feel it but thats not lucky...its foolish. i should have asked, i should have paid more attention. i just thought you wouldnt care, i knew you still had some feelings for someone else and that other girls liked you and i just...im sorry i did it. and i thought you didnt care but you did and i knew later but i didnt know how bad it hurt you until now. and now that i know what real jealousy feels like, i feel 900 times more sorry than i did before. i'll apologize every day, i'm so sorry. i never ever meant to hurt you. i'm sorry you felt like you were wasting your time.
you know you really touched my heart today when you said i never did anything to make me stop loving you.
and i wish you knew how much that means to me.
even then, i loved you more than anything and God, you blow me away with your love. and you know, i know it. and i'm so sorry i did it. you know i would never do anything like that to you ever
i'm so lucky that you fell in love with me so early and so fast, i'm so glad you didn't give up and that you forgave me and still forgive me now. i'm so happy i didn't lose you...
the Christian in me thanks God for you
the child in me wishes on stars for you
the me right now thanks fate for bringing me to you
and the psycic in me thanks the deja vu that brought you to me
i feel so horrible for this, and you know i do and i'm so sorry. i love you so much and i'm so happy we're together. i'm so happy and i wish i could really tell you how happy because it's beyond. i'm so thankful for you and everything you've done for me. i love you so much and im so sorry. i love you

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