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Wednesday, December 1

s e l f - a w a r e n e s s

it can be a bad thing...it is in my case right now. for some reason my self-esteem is at an all time low(which is bad considering i have a modelling appointment on saturday). notas much in my looks but who i am... i feel like i'm stupid... maybe it's because i don't really talk to anyone. i literally layed down and stared at my phone for 3 hours, too shy to text anyone and no one would answer to me, just sitting there in the dark wishing it would light up at least to entertain me. which is completely pitiful... and yesterday i feel stupid for getting in trouble at school for trying to help myself out. it's not that i don't have any social skills, but i cant get a detention or i'll have to walk home + that teacher intimidates the hell out of me :\ she's total type A and has to have everything perfect and i am the total opposite! she is never pleased...
life in general has just felt crappy since sunday...but i've felt crappy since friday :/ its obvious why, think about who i saw for the first time that day. i just keep remembering her as being prettier and prettier every time i see my shoes :\ i wasnt going to buy them after i saw i was at the store she worked it because i knew it would remind me of her. i was starting to feel better and i really loved those shoes so i bought them anyway thinking maybe it would help me get over it...but its doing the opposite :(  i feel worse now! i don't know if it is the shoe's fault though...i got some very oddly themed questions on my formspring yesterday night. i didn't notice them at first but they started to get wierd. someone asked why i signed up for 2 dance classes last year and didn't take them, which i thought was really creepy that they knew that...they asked me why i cant sleep at night and if i have nightmares alot, they said "do you like your new shoes? do you like shoe shopping?" and someone said they saw me at the Nike store on friday. these all tied together when they said "Remember The Alamo" ...the peace treaty that ended the battle has her last name in it and then i was like fuck everyone -_- i am pretty curious of who that was...was it a combination of people?? it seemed on purpose but was it? maybe it was just a coincidence that all those questions co-related. i don't know but it sure did freak me out! especially the dance Q. i wanna know who knows about that :\ there are only 2 ppl that know i didnt go, and i know Nick wouldnt do that to me and my mom doesnt even know what a formspring is. i never blogged about that either so idk how anyone knows :\ the only people i know from the dance company are grown and dont know me that well. ugh this is bothering me so bad! and one of my friends is friends with her and her sister so i see their faces all over facebook again -______- blehhh crappy feeling >_>
i notice that i type alot more in my posts when i don't talk to anyone all day. because i have no one to talk to sometimes :\ i keep trying to get closer to my sister...she comes to talk to me more but then when i try to talk to her she puts in her earphones and acts rude to me and pisses me off.. so i stopped trying for that one -.-'
ughh why do things have to be so hard!! i would like to be not-stressed and confident -_- please? ugh.. i'm going to try to get my mood back up by saturday so i can do good at the modeling thing.
i wore my striped headband today ^_^ its one of my favorites
i'm so hungry T-T no lunch money once again >_<
and my stomach is still all mean feeling like yesterday...i also didn't vlog yesterday due to my mood >_> might vlog today though...
r a n d o m s t u f f :
  • i'm officially obsessed with Far East Movement and beginning to be addicted to U-KISS. i love thier song Give It To Me and Boomshake by FEM. ahh @_@
  • i want chipssss so bad @_@
  • i cant stop drinking hot chocolate
  • i didn't get to have my anime marathon yesterday
  • my sister might blog again soon
  • i need a HUG :(


Aidyl said...


Sigh..I'm feeling the same sometimes....
and it's so hard to controll those feelings. @___@
But NO, you are definitely NOT stupid!!

It's hard to forget someone completely....
hmm..... I usualy try to keep my mind distracted...
or sometimes I just remember sweet things he did or read chatlogs of my boyfriend to remind me that I the one he loves/is fighting for. =]
It might help~.

O___o that formspring thing is creepy...
maybe someone you know secretly reads your blog.. idk..
I'd be freaked out too.

Good luck for your modelling appointment! Yay!<3
You look so cute in those pics. =)

Oh, and I'm looking forward to your next vlog. Did you already decide on what to sing?

Saving Capulet said...

ngaaw * gives you virtual hugs*

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